31 Hilarious Tweets From A Dad Who’s Ready For Anything
James Breakwell is perhaps best known in the parenting world by his Twitter handle, @XplodingUnicorn, where he tweets about his hilarious experiences as a dad.
According to Breakwell, the Exploding Unicorn name came from a line in a fake Biblical book he wrote in high school. He explained: “For reasons that have been lost to time, I included a passage about unicorns filled with hydrogen. It ended with the line, ‘...and that’s where we get the saying, “It exploded like a unicorn.”’ Clearly I had too much time on my hands, but the mental image stuck.”
Through the Exploding Unicorn comedy brand, Breakwell has built up his audience with funny and honest accounts of parenting his four daughters. “When you read about my kids, you’re not really reading about my kids. You’re reading about your own children,” says Breakwell. “All kids are weird and quirky and unintentionally funny.”
For Breakwell’s newest comedy project, he’s written a helpful book titled Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent’s Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. The impetus behind the book was simple: “Most parenting guides are too serious, and most zombie survival guides don’t tell you what to do if you have a family,” he explains. “Only Dead on the Inside fills in that gap and combines two genres in a book no one asked for but everyone needs.” At the moment, Breakwell notes that no one who’s read the book has died in a zombie attack, so the book really offers a 100 percent survival rate.
And more good news: Breakwell also believes that being a parent is an inherent advantage during a zombie apocalypse. “The apocalypse can’t break us. As the title of the book suggests, we’re already dead on the inside,” says Breakwell.
In honor of his new book out this month, we’ve gathered some of @XplodingUnicorns funniest tweets about parenting. Enjoy, and check out his book if you’re hoping to survive any future zombie apocalypses (or just looking for a good laugh).
Marriage is mostly just sending each other memes while your kids destroy the house around you.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2017
[sees teacher from school at the store]
7-year-old: They let you out?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 30, 2017
My 4-year-old calls Dunkin' Donuts "Drunken Donuts."
I was going to correct her.
Then I realized it was the best idea ever for a bakery.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 9, 2016
I thought there was nothing worse than when my kids fought.
Then they started working together.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 10, 2016
5-year-old: My sisters are always around.
Me: They live here, too.
5: They don't have to.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 29, 2017
I forgot the diaper bag so I’m at the doctor’s office with diapers hanging out of my pockets and I think the moms in the lobby are impressed
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 7, 2017
My 5-year-old called Parmesan cheese “spaghetti sprinkles” and now that's officially a food group in my house.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2017
[two of my four kids burst into tears]
Random lady walking by: Why are you crying, girls?
Me: It's cute that you think there's a reason.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2016
Me: I thought you'd be dressed by now.
7-year-old: I thought you knew better.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 20, 2017
My 2-year-old called the vehicle for sick people a "wee woo truck" and now I don't even remember what the right name is anymore.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 17, 2017
Me: Did you have a good day at school?
6-year-old: That's not how school works.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2017
I never thought I'd have to tell my kids, "Don't use your little sister for bullfighting," yet here we are.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2017
The fastest person on earth isn't Usain Bolt.
It's any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 17, 2017
[only have 1 frozen pizza when we need 2]
5-year-old: It's enough for me.
Me: What about everybody else?
5: They can watch.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 27, 2017
How to take off shoes like my 4-year-old:
1) Remove shoe
2) Place it on shoe tray
3) Remove other shoe
4) Toss it into another dimension— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 2, 2017
My 3-year-old is pretending to read.
She's saying the words to "Going on a Bear Hunt."
But she's holding "The Berenstain Bears."
Awkward.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 13, 2017
Best vacation destinations according to my 4-year-old:
3) McDonald's play place
2) car wash
1) sidewalk where she saw a dog that one time— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 20, 2016
Wife: *back from the store* How were the kids?
Me: Great.
Wife: I took them with me. You didn't even notice
Me: I thought they were quiet— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 11, 2016
When I got my toddler out of bed, she gave me a big hug to show how much she loves me.
Just kidding.
She hit me with a shoe.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 10, 2017
Things the baby tried to eat instead of baby food:
1) an unroasted coffee bean
2) a small rock she found on the ground
3) her own foot— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2016
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I'm on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 17, 2017
I'm not sure what my kids did in this room, but based on the debris pattern I'd say they ritually sacrificed a chocolate doughnut.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2017
4-year-old: Why did you say "shift?"
Me: Shift?
4: Yeah. When you got mad driving.
Me: Just shifting gears.
I drive an automatic.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 16, 2016
Being a parent is pretty fulfilling if you like giving good advice that gets completely ignored 100 percent of the time.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 15, 2016
My 3-year-old shouted, “Look out! I’m backing up!”
I’m raising a truck.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2017
4-year-old: Did you know you can put cheese on anything?
Me: What?
4: *intense whisper* ANYTHING.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2017
I can hear my 6-year-old singing "We Will Rock You" in the bathroom.
I'm not sure what's happening in there, but apparently it's going well— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 27, 2016
[bed time]
Me: Your mom told you to stay in bed.
3-year-old: There's a scary monster in my closet
Me: Scarier than Mom?
3: *goes to bed*— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 28, 2016
5-year-old: Can we buy that?
Me: It's too expensive
5: Use your credit card. Then it's free
Guess who's never getting her own credit card— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 15, 2016
2-year-old: *frantically points at the pig*
Me: What's wrong?
2: *intense whisper* SHE'S NAKED.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2017
5-year-old: I'm running away!
Me: *looks at the laundry* Take me with you.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2017
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