What Happened to My Relationship When I Spent a Month Not Going to Bed Angry

A marital experiment (Photo: Shutterstock)

I was recently at a wedding when I heard something that nearly made me laugh out loud. During his vows, the groom promised the bride that he’d never go to bed angry.

Please. Talk to me after a year of marriage.

I remember once thinking this was a great romantic concept. Like, you loved each other so much that you couldn’t bear the thought of hitting the pillow with any semblance of anger resonating in your head.

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And then, I got married and realized when it comes down to continuing to fight for hours or just going to bed already, sleep is way, way better. After a while, I changed my mind on the whole “going to bed angry” thing and I’ve been a “just go to bed already” fan for years.

But this vow made me rethink my stance. Had I become a cynic? Is it really better to not go to bed angry after all? So I resolved to try to not go to bed angry for a month. I’d give it a try, and if it didn’t work, I’d go back to my usual method.

Naturally, when I wanted to fight with my husband Chris, it didn’t happen. I had to wait weeks for an argument, but when I got it, things didn’t work out like I had hoped. I realized quickly that just because I didn’t want to go to bed angry didn’t mean he would be down for it, too. And it’s not like I could suddenly take a timeout from us being ticked at each other to convince him that we should agree to stay up ‘til we stopped fighting…and then start fighting again. (If you’ve ever had a fight with your S.O., you know what I mean.)

Related: What That One Thing That Always Causes Fights Says About Your Relationship

We had our fight right around the time I normally go to bed, which really made me want to revisit my experiment. I was determined to try it out, though, so I kept on talking when it was pretty clear that Chris had no interest in continuing the conversation. Finally, he tuned me out completely in a way that was surprisingly polite, given the circumstances.

I felt like a yappy little Chihuahua who was desperate to be noticed by a way cooler, disinterested Mastiff. I ended up going to bed even more annoyed than I was before.

Where did I go wrong? Licensed psychologist Shaelyn Pham, Ph.D., says the whole concept of not going to be angry “works and has been proven effective for generations.” So…um… .

She says I went wrong on two counts: First, I brought up something serious before bed, which is a no-no (yep, I started it). And second, I was so eager to wrap things up and get to bed that I didn’t have the patience to take a break from arguing and revisit the topic when we both had time for a quick breather. Again, all before bed.

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All I’m hearing here is “you’re not going to get any sleep when you have a fight at night,” which really doesn’t fly with me. And apparently Chris is on the same page. I checked in with him after my experiment was over, and he said he prefers our previously unspoken “you should totally go to bed angry” approach.

“Sometimes it’s better to just take a timeout and revisit things in the morning,” he said.

Agreed.

By Korin Miller

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Korin Miller is a writer, SEO nerd, wife, and mom to a little one-year-old dude named Miles. Korin has worked for The Washington Post, New York Daily News, and Cosmopolitan, where she learned more than anyone ever should about sex. She has an unhealthy addiction to gifs.

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