Things That Always Happen in Movie Love Scenes and Never in Real Life
(Photo: Arthur Belebeau)
If you're like most people, movies had one of the biggest influences on what you thought sex was supposed to look, feel, and sound like when you were growing up. Who doesn't remember having some sort of sexual awakening during Titanic or Cruel Intentions? Then you actually had sex and the universe was like, “Ha! Joke’s on you, because sex is nothing like what you see on the silver screen!” Megan Angelo, creator of this brilliant franchise that explores how movie life differs from reality, has covered various things women do in movies but never IRL, and Lindy Segal's hilariously documented things that always happen in Nicholas Sparks movies but never outside a theater. Now, let’s take it into Smitten territory: Here are the dirty, dirty lies movies tell you about sex.
Women always keep their bras on. It’s like bras are the most comfortable thing in the world! I don’t know about you, but the second I get home it’s like I’m in a race (with, uh, myself) to see how fast I can get my bra off so I can actually relax. I know this is a way of keeping movies from verging into NC-17 territory, but I always feel bad for movie ladies. Sometimes you just gotta let the girls run free.
Undressing each other happens beautifully. I can’t be the only person who’s fumbled with a belt buckle for a few minutes just to give up in exasperation and be like, “Can you just handle this, please?!” or who’s almost ripped an earlobe off because a guy tried to take her top off too quickly and it got snagged. Right?
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Women have multiple orgasms as soon as a guy touches them. Thank you, movies, for teaching men everywhere that women should be on the brink of orgasm as soon as their heads hit the pillow. I have to pick on 40 Days and 40 Nights for this. A guy blowing an orchid petal onto a woman’s vagina results in orgasm? Really?!
After sex, the guy is outside the covers while the woman is underneath them. Again, I know this is to keep breasts from showing. It’s still weird. It impedes cuddling!
Sexy bedhead abounds. No one ever has a knotty mess filled with tangles as a testament to how good she just had it. Instead, she has Victoria’s Secret model-worthy tousles that would take at least an hour, two heat tools, and some hairspray to achieve in real life.
There’s lots of sweeping things off desks and kitchen tables. I know taking the time to neatly remove things from the surface upon which you hope to have sex kinda kills the mood, but so does having to clean up a massive mess after you’ve just had an orgasm.
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The man hoists the woman up like she weighs nothing. Then again, it is Hollywood. Everyone’s very tiny.
People seamlessly change positions. They flip from missionary to woman on top with no slipping out or “ow, you’re on my hair” moments. That is some certifiable movie magic.
They also slam each other into walls a lot. When a couple is making out before getting to the deed (and often while they’re undressing each other like it’s a magnificently choreographed dance), they ricochet off surfaces like those bouncy balls I used to be obsessed with as a kid. I’ll admit this can happen in real life, but in movies it’s always so rough, it looks kind of painful.
The lighting is incredibly flattering. Even if they’re having sex in the middle of the day with blinding sunshine streaming in through the window, it only serves to highlight their perfection. Unfortunately, this is not so in real life.
There you have it! What other things always happen in movie sex but never in real life?
By Zahra Barnes
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