The Key Thing People In Happy Relationships Do Differently
Your couple reaction to tough situations says a lot about whether your bond will last. (Photo: Shutterstock)
Every pair has to deal with trying situations sometimes. What separates the crazy-in-love couples from the ones who are destined for relationship disaster is how they handle them. “The main difference between happy and unhappy couples is that the unhappy couple lacks coping skills,“ says Jane Greer, Ph.D., creator of the media commentary “Shrink Wrap with Dr. Jane Greer” and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. “When challenges come up, they’re overwhelmed by anger and resentment. A happy couple knows how to empathize, be supportive, and take on any problems as a team.” Here’s how happy and unhappy couples react differently in a few tough situations.
Unhappy couple: The blame game comes into play. One partner might get angry and critical, says Greer. But questions like “How could you let this happen?” and “Why didn’t you know it was coming?” show a distinct lack of empathy—so instead of relieving some of the burden, they only add to it.
Happy couple: It’s all about being there emotionally for each other. “Let’s say you lose your job,“ says Greer. "Your partner would react in a positive and supportive manner. First, he would empathize and acknowledge the disappointment you’re going through.” Next up, he would offer to help in any way. Whether that’s by helping you spruce up your resume or offering to reach out to people who might have leads, he’ll try to take on some of the responsibility so you don’t feel like it’s all on you.
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Unhappy couple: Suspicion is quick to arrive when a couple doesn’t trust each other. “If you were in an unhappy relationship, you would get jealous, then accuse the other person of cheating, being unfaithful, or being provocative,” says Greer. You’d also likely refuse to listen to any factors that would explain the flirting.
Happy couple: Even if you’re uncomfortable with someone flirting with your guy, if you’re in a happy relationship, the situation can make it stronger. “A happy couple would view the flirtation as a chance to enhance intimacy,“ says Greer. "You would react with something like, ‘I saw so-and-so was really coming on to you. Lucky me, I’m the one who’s got you!’” Instead of freaking out, you’d reroute that sexual energy into your own relationship.
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Unhappy couple: This can definitely tear an unhappy couple apart. “If your boyfriend or husband’s mother didn’t like you, he would dismiss your feelings and likely side with his mother,” says Greer. He’d encourage you to do things that would make you uncomfortable, like calling her more even though you know that wouldn’t fix the problem. “He’d hold you responsible and place unreasonable expectations on you to go along with his mother’s demands or requests,” says Greer.
Happy couple: Pairs with strong relationships tackle this kind of situation as a team. “If his mother didn’t like you, he’d explain that he’s so sorry she behaves badly and that it upsets him, too,” says Greer. He’d then suggest that you talk to her together, or he would speak to her on his own but on your behalf. “He would appreciate how upsetting it is,” says Greer.
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Unhappy couple: If you thought his best friend was a pig, you’d let your guy know all the time. “Every time he mentioned the person’s name, you’d complain and say, ‘Him again?’” says Greer. You’d also probably be jealous and start to make demands that your guy limit his time with said friend. You would be pitting yourself against the friend, which definitely isn’t conducive to a great relationship.
Happy couple: If you can’t stand his best bud, you’ll be honest but understanding. “You would explain that you don’t like the friend, but you’re glad he has a solid relationship that makes him feel good,“ says Greer. "You’d also express that you would rather not be involved when the two of them are hanging out, and he would respect that.” The point isn’t to sacrifice your happiness for his but to support the friendship while putting boundaries in place that keep you satisfied, too.
Related: Why Your Guy Can’t Stand Your Best Friend
Unhappy couple: If someone isn’t satisfied sexually, they would blame the other person in a bad relationship. “It becomes an accusation that one person is rejecting the other,” says Greer. Eventually, the accused partner would feel like something was wrong with them for not being in the mood, and they’d also think there was no room to consider their needs.
Happy couple: Again, being a good couple doesn’t mean staying quiet about the things that bug you. In relationships where one person isn’t getting as much sex as they want, they’d explain that disappointment but still empathize with their partner. “One important thing happy couples do here is make a plan for the next time they can be together,“ says Greer. "It’s an ‘if not now, then when?’ approach that helps them work it out as a team.”
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Unhappy couple: Your guy would demand that you start coming home earlier and react angrily if you didn’t. “He might lash out by doing something like not having any food prepared,” says Greer. “He’d find ways to show his resentment in his words and actions.”
Happy couple: If you’re always at work in an attempt to climb the corporate ladder, your guy might be disappointed, but he’d ultimately understand. “He would explain how your late hours make him feel, but he’d also be proud of how hard you’re working,” says Greer. The two of you would come up with a plan to get in some extra relaxation time, he’d offer to help in any way possible, and you’d have a discussion about when in the foreseeable future those long hours could end.
Unhappy couple: If he got sick, you might actually get angry with him for it. You could express that by being unavailable or withdrawing support. “I knew one couple where the guy had a bad back,“ says Greer. "The wife was furious that he was always in bed because not only was he unable to do what he ordinarily did, but she had to do all of it.” While it’s understandable that it becomes more of a burden, getting angry in that way doesn’t help your bond—and it certainly doesn’t help the person who’s sick.
Happy couple: “A happy couple would talk the illness out and understand the difficulty it was placing on both people,“ says Greer. "The ill person would acknowledge and show appreciation for everything the other person was doing.” And, of course, the healthy one would express understanding of how tough it was on the person with the illness.
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By Zahra Barnes
