The 10 Worst Couples You’ll See At The Gym
It’s January, the season of panic-stricken exercise. And with that newfound motivation comes the temptation to bring your significant other along for a good public workout. That’s fine in theory, but it can go wrong in so many different ways. Next time you’re at the weight-bench, running-trail, cardio-mambo class or whatever, look around and see how many of these gross generalizations are sweatin’ to the oldies next to you. And then make sure you’re not one of them yourself.
The Couple Who Just Decided to Run a Half-Marathon Together
• Glistening shoes of virgin alabaster white
• Diet now mostly Clif Bar and some sugary goop in a pouch
• Pretend not to know how to shut off their running app’s auto-Facebook updating
• You can kinda see their ribs
• No longer capable of talking about other people
The Super-Fit Guy Condescendingly Explaining Everything to His Slightly Less Fit Girlfriend
• Stubble stubble stubble stubble
• You’d think it’d be hard to work out wearing 17 metal bracelets, but here we are
• Most of his verbs are “crushing”
• Workout pants by Tom Ford
• “Chill here, babe, I need to blast my quads.”
See More: Totally Transform Your Sleep in Just 7 Days
The Guy Who Thought His Girlfriend Also Really Wanted a Trail Bike
• Annual salary: $31,000. Cost of bike: $4,200.
• Urban Outfitters cargo shorts (pre-ripped)
• Sells hand-forged cast-iron tools or some shit
• Seems “earthy” and “rugged” and “unemployable”
• Has never asked after her actual interests
The Divorcée and the CrossFit Trainer
• Woman who never worked out a day in the past 15 years suddenly at gym 12 times a week
• So much perfume
• Gym bag full of James Patterson novels
• Every week with the new Athleta pants
• Offers to pay in massages
The Retirees Who Look Better Than You
• Seemingly impervious to aging/cholesterol/cumulative disappointments of life
• Instantly switch gym TV to Fox Business Network
• Eat flaxseed by the fistful
• Duffel bag compliments of a Mayo Clinic
• Might have once been in The Who
See More: The 12-Month Body Tune-up
The Newlyweds Trying to Get in Shape for Their Honeymoon
• Arrive carrying lattes
• Every week, they’re a little bronzer
• Workout mix is pretty much all Jimmy Buffett
• Joint monogrammed Fitbit
• Complain about absence of surfing lessons in the lap pool
The New Parents
• Really just at the gym for the free child care
• Can often be found napping in the locker-room shower
• Only brought the towels with yellow duckies on them
• Jogging stroller is basically a mid-sized sedan
• Are just “happy to be around people”
Former Potheads Now in Their Early 30s
• Combined weight: 125 lbs.
• Only people in the gym wearing Vampire Weekend T-shirts
• Bottles filled with herbal coconut water, sprig of mint
• Moisture-wicking knit caps
• Won’t be back next week
See More: The Only 10 Cleaning Products You’ll Ever Need
The Former College Jocks Still In Insane Physical Condition
• Look like brother and sister, but are actually sleeping together
• Fraternity/sorority tattoos still visible at age 34
• You can actually hear the Pitbull from their Beats headphones
• Occasionally pause their workouts for some heavy petting
• Brag about “getting carded”
The Couple That Actually Seems to be Encouraging Each Other
• Appear genuinely happy to be there
• Always with the smiles
• Actually wipe down the treadmills after using
• Apparently lack the psychological damage that fuels your workout
• Are literally the worst
By Jeff Vrabel, Illustrations by Karen Jiyun Sun
More from GQ:
9 Things Every Man Should Have In His Pockets
How to Find the Perfect Pair of Frames For Your Face
The Hottest Women of 2014
