New to Tinder? Experts (and Users!) Explain How to Find Success on the Dating App
New to Tinder? Read on. (Photo: Corbis)
No one ever said that dating in your 30s was going to be easy, and finding companionship on the free dating app Tinder is definitely no exception.
The sheer number of potential mates can make the search feel like a full-time job. Wendy Walsh, PhD, a psychologist known as America’s Relationship Expert, calls Tinder the “Great American Database.”
“Tinder is a paradox of choice,” said Walsh, who specializes in attachment and human mating strategies. “The more choice humans have the harder it is to make a choice. Who has one entrée at a Vegas buffet? Tinder is a Vegas buffet.”
And it might seem like everyone is on that buffet. According to Tinder, there are 1.6 billion daily swipes and 25 million daily matches, to give you an impression of how popular this app is. For the non-users among us, here’s how it works: Swiping a person’s picture/profile to the left is a “no, thanks,” and swiping to the and right is a “yes, please.” If the person has right-swiped you, too, you’re a “match.” It’s up to you and that person to take it from there.
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Tinder also charges differently based on age for its new premium service, Tinder Plus. Users under 30 pay $9.99 per month for the upgrade, while ‘Tinderers’ past their 20s are charged double at $19.99 per month. This upgrade offers unlimited swipes, an “undo” function for accidental left swipes, and a passport feature that allows you to search for users in locations other than your own.
With all of these challenges in the Tinder dating world, a few tips never hurt anyone. Here’s some expert advice, as well as other users’ feedback, to get you off Tinder and into a real-life romance ASAP.
1. Don’t fight human nature.
You can try to get creative with interesting photo choices and hilarious quotes, but in the end, nature rules.
“Biology trumps psychology,” said Walsh, referring to Dr. David Buss’ large-scale cross-cultural mating strategies study conducted at the University of Texas.
Walsh said that men focus on, in order of importance, beauty, loyalty, and kindness. Tinder’s platform, which is led by photos and only a short blurb, works in favor of men, as it’s based on male mating strategies, Walsh said.
Women, on the other hand, look for resources, intelligence, and then kindness, which can be harder to convey on Tinder.
“Back in our anthropological past, we needed a guy to bring back the wooly mammoth,” she said. “We needed him to be a smart guy, if there was a harsh winter and two hungry babies, to figure out a new way to get food.”
So, if you want to attract a woman, Walsh said to focus on your photo’s background, as much as yourself, because it also conveys a lot about you. “Women are looking for status indicators,” Walsh said. “They don’t care about your abs, unless they only want a hookup. They are looking to see if that lamp behind you is from Restoration Hardware.”
Anna Martin, 38, who has been using Tinder for the last few months after her engagement ended, confirms this.
“I hate dudes who take pics of themself at the gym,” Martin said. “I also prefer men to leave their clothes on.”
To show a woman you’re intelligent, Walsh said to start with being grammatically correct.
“Say something smart or witty,” Walsh said. “Don’t just say you’re smart or that you like smart women; say something smart.”
Chris Pezza, 31, who has used Tinder since its introduction in 2012, said he has had success striking a balance between silly and confident in his opening line.
“For awhile, mine was, ‘So does this mean we’re dating…?’” said Pezza, who added that it was met with warm reception.
Lastly, find a way to showcase that you are kind. To attract a mate, use some great photos, then finds ways to convey your loyalty and kindness.
Just knowing these scientific truths can make for an easier time, allowing you to just relax and let nature take its course.
2. Limit your swipes.
This might seem counterintuitive, but in the end you’re making more work for yourself, Walsh said.
“If you have three or four matches in your inbox, stop and access them,” Walsh said. ”Don’t wait until you have 20 matches in your inbox; that’s just silly.”
Walsh has firsthand experience with this strategy’s success. She recently coached a client on Tinder, helping her select two matches to focus on getting to know. The client is now getting married to one of these men.
Tinder itself has tried to remedy the swiping-everyone situation by limiting the number of right swipes in a 12-hour period in its free app. But the problem of authenticity remains, leading to hurt feelings or confusion for some users.
“If we match, and I initiate a conversation, why do so many women respond so coldly?” said Matt Miller, 30, of Chicago. “Some of the responses are similar to what you would get after interrupting their conversation at a bar.”
Another Tinder user, who asked to remain anonymous, also said she has had problems with matches who never materialize or communicate.
“You really just learn to shrug it off and move on,” she said.
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3. Once there’s a match, meet in real life.
After a few messages, Walsh recommends a phone call, and if the phone call works out, then meet for coffee.
“Move off the app as quickly as possible,” Walsh said.
For straight women, though, she does stand by the old rule of having a man make the first move, even though some may find it old-fashioned.
She also said she encourages people to stop being afraid of giving out their phone numbers, pointing out that no real danger comes from a phone call. And if it doesn’t seem to be the match for you, then move on, hopefully in an adult manner.
“Just chat back that it doesn’t feel like a match, but you will keep him in mind for your friends,” Walsh said.
Ghosting, or simply disappearing electronically, shows that you don’t have any self-confidence or communication skills, Walsh said.
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4. Make your photos count.
From extensive interviews with current Tinder users, it’s clear that the buck stops at the photos. Some pointers:
- Don’t hide yourself. Pezza said he wants to see pictures of the person he could potentially date. Don’t make people try to figure out who you are in a group pic, and don’t only post pictures of quotes or your pets.
-Stop the gym selfies. This is just a reminder that people in search of long-term love don’t really care about your six-pack.
-You can be TOO attractive. “It’s a red flag if someone is trying too hard with their pics, like they have headshots,” said Bridgette Selby, 32, who is in a long-term relationship with a man she met on Tinder last year.
-Be mindful if you choose to include children in your photos. If it’s not your kid, consider that you might lose potential mates who don’t wait long enough to read that it’s actually your nephew, or potential mates who think you are exploiting a kid for your own personal dating game.
For people who do have children, showing them can be an honest move, as well as a way to filter out people who are not interested in dating someone with kids.
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