Is it Time to Break Up With Your Therapist?
She’s gives you her undivided attention, she’s never judgmental, and she knows you inside and out. Having a therapist can be a life-changing experience but when it ceases to be helpful, healthy, or otherwise goes sour, it may be time to leave the couch. “The main question to ask [yourself] is: Does therapy help you?” Faith Tanney, a Washington, D.C.-based clinical psychologist, tells Yahoo Health. “My job is always to work myself out of a job, but not faster than the person is ready for.” And that’s key: You, as the client, are ultimately in control of the therapy session. Here are some questions to ask yourself before throwing in the towel.
Are we staying on track? “Establishing goals is critically important so you don’t just chat,” Tanney says. So do a periodic check-in about what you’re trying to achieve and try to remember why you wanted therapy in the first place. “Sometimes you just have an immediate concern to deal with, then you’re finished,” she says. “Or you might want to look at a broader concept — ‘I just woke up with my fourth boyfriend in a year and want to figure out why,’ for example. Then it’s going to be more long-term.” Also, know that some goals can’t ever be fully accomplished and that’s OK. “Hopefully you’ll have had realizations, and have put strategies in place for making sticking points work,” she says. “For example, ‘my mother is an idiot, but I have to see her at Thanksgiving and here’s how I cope.’”
Is what I’m hearing helpful (even if I don’t want to hear it)? They say the truth hurts and that can be especially true in therapy. The key is to distinguish between a truly unhelpful session and something you’d simply rather not face. ““If there isn’t anything helpful being offered, it’s probably just a sign that you need to move on from that particular therapist, and not necessarily therapy in general,” Sam Alibrando, a psychologist and motivational speaker based in Pasadena, California, and author of Follow the Yellow Brick Road: How to Change for the Better When Life Gives You its Worst, tells Yahoo Health.
Are there red flags? “If something feels inappropriate, bring it up,” Alibrando says. “For example, ‘You were nodding off.’ Say you felt uncomfortable. If he or she is defensive or belligerent, then maybe it’s time to go.” That’s especially true if your therapist saddles you with a guilt trip for merely broaching the possibility of leaving.
Am I just running away? Any couch veteran will recognize the term “resistance,” a self-protective behavior from something we fear will be overwhelming. There’s always the individual who tries to escape therapy, Alibrando says, be it a client who might be scared of dealing with a memory or unwilling to give up an addiction. “Most aren’t conscious of it when they’re bolting, and often cite money as a convenient excuse,” he says. A good therapist will recognize the signs, though, and help you see them, too.
Is therapy paying off? Whether you’ve been with your shrink for one year or 20, Tanney notes, it still may not be long enough. “If you are learning new things about yourself that are relevant, working on bothersome issues, and find that therapy is still sustaining and nourishing, it’s fine to continue for as long as you need,” she says. However, if you’re reluctant to leave but therapy is no longer useful, “then we get into the issue of dependency,” says Alibrando. In that case, sessions are often used as a crutch rather than a tool. “If [the therapist] thinks for you and is the only one you can relate to, get a dog,” he suggests.
The bottom line: “You’re not there to make friends with your therapist,” says Tanney. “You can fire therapists — you’re entitled to do so. And hopefully, it’s for good reasons.” Awkwardness aside, Tanney recommends openly discussing your feelings and setting a clear termination date with the therapist. If you’re not ready to make a clean break (that’s OK, too!) phase out slowly — for example, slash your your weekly visits to twice a month, and do a six-month check-in if needed. “It’s a separation, after all,” she says. If you cut the contact too suddenly, “when you leave, it could activate some issues.”
