How Not To Cheat On Your Lover
Your cheating questions, answered. (Photo: Getty Images)
Cheating scandals are all over Hollywood right now. From Jay and Bey to Tori and Dean—everyone wants to know who’s staying and who’s betraying. Enjoy gossiping about star’s bed-hopping behavior? Sure. But what we really want to know is whether or not life imitates art, i.e. are we learning to have affairs like celebs? Maybe. I sat down with two relationship experts to get the skinny on how not to cheat.
Let’s start at the beginning. Why does cheating happen in the first place?
“If you look at how the brain works, there are chemicals and receptors that can make someone more likely to perform that type of behavior,” says Elizabeth Winkler, a celebrity psychotherapist. Dr. Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist and Match.com’s Chief Scientific Advisor, expands on this thinking. “We’ve evolved a dual human reproductive strategy. There’s a tremendous drive to fall in love and form a pair bond and raise children as a socially viable team, which results in monogamy, but we also have a tendency for clandestine adultery,” she explains.
Then there’s the issue of the emotional part. “Psychologically speaking, it’s just like an alcohol, drug, gambling, or sex addiction,” says Winkler. “It’s a symptom of a bigger problem.” Bottom line: Humans can do it all. “Monogamy is natural. Infidelity is natural. We seem to be built for both,” says Dr. Fisher.
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So how can you tap into your partner’s monogamous drive rather than his or her cheating urges?
“Really work to get to know your partner in a new way,” Winkler recommends. “I find that in therapy, people come in and they have these set ideas about who the other person is, but maybe that person isn’t like that anymore.” How do you do this? Ask yourself what you’re noticing about your significant other that you don’t understand. Your boyfriend’s no longer laughing at your corny jokes and it’s throwing you for a loop? Just ask about it, making sure to erase any trace of defensiveness from your voice and body language. Don’t assume you know what’s going on, Winkler instructs.
Next up, something hopeful: “People don’t tend to be very adulterous when they’re madly in love with somebody,” Dr. Fisher notes. Her tools for sustaining love come down to stimulating three things: 1. Your partner’s sex drive 2. Feelings of intense romantic love and 3. A sense of deep attachment. To do this, have regular sex, try out novel things to up your dopamine levels (responsible for feelings of romantic love), and keep in constant physical touch to boost your oxytocin (the source of your attachment).
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Once a cheater, always a cheater. True or false?
“I find that this statement is completely dependent on the cheater’s willingness to take a look at what is driving them to distract themselves from themselves,” says Winkler. “When the cheater is deeply entrenched in this cheating cycle and they feel they are reaping benefits (avoiding those painful feelings) then they will not stop being deceitful. So no change can occur until the blinders come off and the reality of the situation is clear. Then accountability and willingness come into play.” If there isn’t a willingness to explore the pain he or she has caused, that’s a bad sign.
And what if cheating happens and you want to salvage the relationship?
“I once was doing an appearance with a really good therapist and she said something really smart: There are two things that have to happen. First, the cheater has to be willing to answer any question that you want to ask about the infidelity. And then, after you’ve learned every single thing you need to know, you have to stop asking and never raise it again,” says Dr. Fisher.
By Zahra Barnes
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