7 Signs You’re Boring Everyone Around You

It's hard to get Stanley from "The Office" interested in what anyone has to say.(GIF: Tumblr)

Do you ever get that feeling that maybe the person you’re talking to isn’t exactly listening to you? Maybe you notice a glazed-over stare, several “uh-huhs” in a row, or even an outright distracted attitude.

Like most people, I have several pet subjects that I love to talk about — subjects that are sometimes interesting to other people, and sometimes not. Don’t get me started on happiness, or obesity, or children’s literature, or Winston Churchill, unless you really want to talk about it. (I do manage to be very disciplined about not talking about my children too much.)

Oftentimes, we may find ourselves asking, “Am I a boring person?” Although it’s harsh reality, the answer may be yes. Based on my (utterly unscientific) observations, made mostly from noting how I behave when I’m bored and trying to hide it, here are some signs that you’re boring your listener:

1. Repeated, perfunctory responses. A person who says, “Oh really? Oh really? That’s interesting. Oh really?” is probably not too engaged.

2. Simple questions. People who are bored ask simple questions. “When did you move?” “Where did you go?” People who are interested ask more complicated questions that show curiosity, not mere politeness.

Related: Running Out Of Things To Talk About? 20 Topics To Get The Conversation Started Again

3. Interruption. Although it sounds rude, interruption is actually a good sign, I think. It means a person is bursting to say something, and that shows interest. Similarly…

4. Request for clarification. A person who is sincerely interested in what you’re saying will need you to elaborate or to explain. “What does that term mean?” “When exactly did that happen?” “Back up and tell me what happened first” are the kinds of questions and interjections that show that someone is trying closely to follow what you’re saying.

5. Imbalance of talking time. I suspect that many people fondly suppose that they usually do 80 percent of the talking in a conversation because people find them fascinating. Sometimes, it’s true, a discussion involves a huge download of information desired by the listener; that’s a very satisfying kind of conversation. In general, though, people who are interested in a subject have things to say themselves; they want to add their own opinions, information, and experiences. If they aren’t doing that, they probably just want the conversation to end faster.

6. Body position. People with a good connection generally turn fully to face each other. A person who is partially turned away isn’t fully embracing the conversation.

Along the same lines, if you’re a speaker trying to figure out if an audience is interested in what you’re saying:

7. Audience posture. Back in 1885, Sir Francis Galton wrote a paper called “The Measurement of Fidget.” He determined that people slouch and lean when bored, so a speaker can measure the boredom of an audience by seeing how far from vertically upright they are. Also, attentive people fidget less; bored people fidget more. An audience that’s upright and still is interested, while an audience that’s horizontal and squirmy is bored.

I often remind myself of French author Francois de La Rochefoucauld’s observation: “We are always bored by those whom we bore.” If I’m bored, there’s a good chance the other person may be bored, too. Time to find a different subject.

Have you figured out any ways to tell if you’re boring someone? If you’re worried about it, here are 7 topics to avoid if you don’t want to risk being a bore. What other strategies do you use?

Gretchen Rubin is the author of the blockbuster New York Times bestsellers, Better Than Before, The Happiness Project, and Happier at Home. On her weekly podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin, she discusses good habits and happiness with her sister Elizabeth Craft. She writes about happiness and habit-formation at gretchenrubin.com. Follow her  on Twitter, @gretchenrubin, or on Facebook, facebook.com/GretchenRubin.

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