4 Weight-Loss Secrets You Can Learn From Men
Ever wonder how guys get away with eating all that junk food? (Photo: Getty)
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If you’ve ever dieted with your guy, this may sound familiar: You, three weeks after kale-ifying your diet and rearranging your life to work out, discover you’ve lost exactly 0.4 pounds. Meanwhile, your man is all excited because he’s dropped eight pounds and an entire pant size, which he tells you while preparing his “diet smoothie,” made from bananas, fried chicken, and chocolate milk. What gives? Researchers have studied this and found that, yep, men drop twice as much weight as women when they start a diet. I’m sure there’s a scientific-y explanation for that, but I’ve got my own theories, not a single one proven by anything other than dude’s intuition. Think of them before you throw the blender at your guy’s newly slim rear end.
Related: 10 Things You MUST Know Before Trying to Lose Weight
Our ideas about “results” tend to differ. I’m gonna be honest and say that being part of the patriarchy has its privileges. One is that I don’t feel soul-crushing pressure to look like Channing Tatum the way many women feel like they ought to look like a Sports Illustrated model. What I want is to be able to lift 200 pounds over my head by Christmas, because that will definitely get me out of an unforeseen jam. And so I work hard at it, and if I get Tatumabs, that’s just a bonus. Last year I learned how to jump rope for the sole purpose of embarrassing my kids at school pickup. Because my goals aren’t wrapped up in how I feel about how I look, if I have a setback, I don’t get frustrated and give up. I never stress that my wife, Karel, won’t want to have sex with me because I can’t lift a kangaroo. It’s freeing.
We’re stupidly competitive. And I mean all of us: club soccer guys, weekend half-marathoners, pie-eating-contest dudes. At the gym, this means results come quickly. Two years ago, I couldn’t jump rope and could barely do two push-ups. But Crossfit Gym Queen Christine, a nephrologist and mother of two, uses a jump rope like it’s an extension of her body and makes push-ups look effortless and elegant. I took one look at her, and it was on. Nowadays, she can still kick my butt at that stuff, but I can squat twice her body weight. I’m confident she’ll never squat my body weight (not that she wants to). So I think I’ve made it clear who the new Crossfit Gym Queen is.
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We know exactly what not to eat. Karel: “How have you lost so much weight this month?” Aaron: “I cut stuff out of my diet.” Karel: [Skeptical] “What have you cut out?” Aaron: “I’ve stopped eating doughnuts.” Karel: “You’re eating a cupcake right now.” Aaron: “A cupcake is not a doughnut.” After I said that she got annoyed and left the room. Here’s what’s happening: You already eat better than we do. Karel stopped eating candy when she was 21! It’s easier for guys to track down and eliminate the stupid things we’re consuming that add pounds. I was eating doughnuts like a whale eats krill, but I’m not about to give up sweets. So I started eating cupcakes. I like them less than doughnuts, so I eat less and end up losing weight without eliminating entire food groups like Karel has to (dairy! red meat! white flour!). Best of all, I’ll never have to ask a waiter, “Does this have doughnuts in it?” or “Can you have the chef prepare this without doughnuts?”
We have you for support. When I wanted to get in shape, Karel created charts, she made special meals, and we talked about exercise. When her back issues meant she had to rethink her diet and fitness, I was like, “Durr, you should cut out doughnuts!” Men are often not the best cheerleaders— but we do care. If we don’t think to offer help, say something very specific, like “I need you to deal with dinner and the kids Tuesday and Sunday so I can go to the gym and get my health in order.” And please remember, we don’t expect you to look like a swimsuit model. We just want you to be happy. Ideally, happier than any of the other guys’ wives.
By Aaron Traister
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