Stephen Colbert on Trump’s hush-money case: ‘The trial of what feels like a century’

Late-show hosts talked jury selection, courtroom sketches and gag orders from the second day of Donald Trump’s criminal trial in New York.

Stephen Colbert

Tuesday marked the second day of Donald Trump’s New York criminal trial for allegedly falsifying business records of a hush-money payment to Stormy Daniels, in what is, according to Stephen Colbert, “the trial of what feels like a century”.

As the trial unfolded on Tuesday, the Late Show host continued: “We are reminded that though the wheels of justice may turn slowly, eventually a panel of impartial citizen jurors will do the indispensable public service of listening to testimony about Donald Trump’s mushroom dong.”

By the end of the day, seven jury members had been selected, after New York sent out over 6,000 summonses, about 2,000 more than average. “At that rate, they’re going to burn through every available New Yorker,” Colbert mused. “By the end, the jury is going to include the Times Square Buzz Lightyear, 40 rats in a trench coat and Lin-Manuel Miranda.”

According to court reporters, one potential juror said his radio habits included “listening to whatever was on when he was in the shower”.

“But after he hears details on Trump’s sex life, I’m guessing he’ll be listening to a toaster in the bath tub,” Colbert joked.

Another said she didn’t know what the case was about, because she spent February and March “living on a lake with no wifi”.

“Oh my God, take me away to your magical lake where there’s no news of Donald Trump,” Colbert pleaded.

On the first day of the trial, Trump appeared to fall asleep during the trial – “he took a little white power nap,” Colbert quipped – but on Tuesday, “he was sharp, focused and … he fell asleep again,” Colbert said.

He snoozed long enough that the court sketch artist had time to draw him with his eyes closed. “Well, I think we found the new mascot for Celestial Seasoning Sleep Crime tea,” Colbert joked.

Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday offered “a new episode of the Orange People’s Court today, starring Donald J Trump”, said Jimmy Kimmel, who poked fun at the former president’s habit of falling asleep in court. “He’s very sleepy, is it possible his lawyers are tranquilizing him to keep the outbursts at a minimum?” Kimmel wondered.

Despite being ordered by the court not to talk about the case publicly, Trump “floated a new line of defense from the hallways of justice” on Tuesday morning, calling the payments to Stormy Daniels a “legal expense”.

“He claims he didn’t have sex with Stormy Daniels, he just paid her $130 grand out of the goodness of his heart,” Kimmel scoffed. “And the truth is, paying a woman to keep her quiet about having sex with you while your wife is at home with your newborn baby isn’t illegal. What’s illegal is falsifying records to make it a business expense, which he made so his supporters wouldn’t find out he’s a lying, cheating scumbag.

“But the joke is on Trump,” he continued. “Because turns out, his supporters don’t care that he’s a lying, cheating scumbag. He could’ve saved himself a whole trial and $130 grand.”

Kimmel also marveled at how lawyers went through prospective jurors’ Facebook pages during selection. “Could you imagine having your old social media posts about Trump read aloud while he is sitting right in front of you there? Might be my vision of heaven,” he said.

Trump and his supporters are particularly incensed that because of criminal trial requirements, he may have to miss his son Barron’s high school graduation, which Kimmel doubted. “Donald Trump is about as bummed out about potentially missing this high school graduation as he was about missing Vietnam,” he said. “He didn’t want to go to either one.”

The Daily Show

And on the Daily Show, guest host Dulcé Sloan helped viewers keep track of Trump’s numerous ongoing trials. “Let’s be clear about which trial this is,” she said of the criminal trial in New York. “Is it the classified documents trial? No. The January 6 trial? No. The Georgia Rico trial? No. The sexual assault defamation trial? No. The real estate trial? No! It’s the porn money hush love sex music trial.

“This dude treats criminal charges like Pokémon – he’s trying to catch them all,” she continued. “Now, to be clear, Trump is not on trial for sleeping with a porn star, or paying her hush money. He’s on trial because he allegedly falsified business documents to cover up the hush money, which could be construed as an unreported campaign expense.”

With all that said, Sloan took a deep breath. “This is the most complicated plot a porn star has ever been involved in,” she joked.