According to a new study presented Monday at the Alzheimer's Association's International Conference in San Diego, eating ultra-processed food is affecting our health and significantly decreasing brain function.
"Stop it, science," said Colbert straight into the camera. "Just stop studying things. This is why people turn against you and start eating horse paste! What's next? Puppy kisses cause herpes? Exposure to Chris Evans is depleting the ozone layer? Just let us have nice things!"
Colbert also said the study was "ridiculous" because he eats processed foods all the time and he's totally fine. However, he didn't like the fact that, during Monday's presentation, Rafael Perez-Escamilla, a professor of public health at Yale University also shared that "just 100 calories of processed foods can affect your physical health. So, that's two cookies."
Colbert joked, "OK, if eating two cookies hurts my brain, I'm going to eat three more cookies to hurt my brain just enough to forget how bad it was to eat the first two cookies." Of course, it didn't stop at just cookies. The list of foods we should be avoiding includes everything that brings fun and joy to our lives – bread, crackers, fried snacks, ice cream, candy, soda, etc. But Colbert made a good point, when he stated, "Here's some facts for you, science. If you want us to live a long time you have to understand something: We're all just living to get to the next cookie. Sometimes we stop eating for weeks at a time to lose a few pounds so we can go on vacation and gain those pounds back eating cookies. The tide goes out so it can come back in."
Ultimately, Colbert finished his funny rant by basically saying: can't stop, won't stop.
"I will only stop eating cookies when I die. And if I die because I ate too many cookies, then I won," said a joking Colbert.
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