How To Respond If Your Partner Has Been Sexually Assaulted Or Harassed
News of widespread sexual assault and harassment allegations against film executive Harvey Weinstein has prompted more and more victims to come forward by the day.
Actress and director Asia Argento, one of more than 20 women who have spoken out about their experiences, has had a fierce defender in her camp: Boyfriend Anthony Bourdain.
“I am proud and honored to know you,” the celebrity chef tweeted on Tuesday, alongside a link to The New Yorker exposé Argento was interviewed for. “You just did the hardest thing in the world.”
.@AsiaArgento I am proud and honored to know you. You just did the hardest thing in the world. https://t.co/i2Lsb6h5vU
— Anthony Bourdain (@Bourdain) October 10, 2017
Bourdain’s support of Argento highlights an important, but rarely discussed side of sexual assault and harassment: How spouses and partners of victims respond and support their significant others.
While there’s no “right” way to respond, there are things you can do that are helpful rather than hindering. Below, therapists and experts in sexual abuse share seven tips.
1. Validate their experiences.
Many abuse survivors doubt the severity of what happened to them or feel like they’re somehow to blame because of what their abuser told them or made them feel in the aftermath of the incident.
As their partner, your job is to listen, be in their corner and remind them that you believe them, 100 percent, said Virginia Gilbert, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, California.
“Survivors’ self-doubt and shame grows exponentially if their family or culture colludes with abusers ― if everyone around the survivor normalizes and enables abuse,” she said. “The first step in helping your partner heal is to validate their experience by calling out abuse.”
That means talking about what happened in matter-of-fact terms, Gilbert said: “You were raped;” “People knew what was happening to you and didn’t stop it;” “You were in a vulnerable position and were afraid of the consequences if you spoke up.”
That kind of directness can help clear up any self-doubt your partner may be experiencing in the wake of the abuse.
2. Listen without interrupting and reacting.
The revelation will very likely leave you feeling shaken up. While it’s natural to feel protective and react with anger, remind yourself to stay calm. The last thing your partner needs is to feel like they need to support you emotionally now instead, said Martha Lee, a Singapore-based clinical sexologist and relationship coach.
“It’s very important that they feel heard and that there’s space for them to articulate what happened and how they feel,” she told HuffPost. “You don’t want your reaction to make it about you because that can short-circuit their processing and healing process. Just listen. Sometimes, just telling yourself, ‘this is not about me’ can help.”
3. Avoid downplaying the harassment.
Don’t try to downplay what happened or worse, suggest your partner could have done something differently to avoid the situation, said Laura Palumbo, the communications director at the National Sexual Violence Resource Center in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
“You may think you’re trying to help by saying, ‘I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that,’ but instead, it just makes them question their perceptions or feel silly for sharing. It’s better to say supportive things like, ’I believe you’ or ‘You did nothing wrong and I am here for you.’”
4. Remind them that they have options.
Sexual assault and harassment disempowers victims and emboldens abusers. That’s why it’s so important to remind your partner that they’re not powerless, said Sandra Henriquez, the CEO of the California Coalition Against Sexual Assault.
“If a physical assault occurred within the last 72 hours, contact a local sexual assault agency for guidance and advocacy in dealing with hospitals and law enforcement,” she said. “Remind your S.O. that there are avenues for redress that are available when they feel ready and able to explore those options.”
And regardless of when the assault happened, free and confidential counseling is always available through local rape crisis centers. For a full list of crisis centers and hotlines for sexual assault survivors, head here.
5. Respect their decisions without pushback.
Accusing someone ― especially a higher-up at work ― of sexual abuse is not easy. Recognize the difficulty your partner may feel in bringing charges or coming forward, said Janet Brito, a psychologist and sex therapist at the Center for Sexual and Reproductive Health in Honolulu, Hawaii
“There could be apprehension since it’s not uncommon for others to deny the victim’s experiences or minimize it,” she said. “Ask your S.O. what you can do to make them feel supported and respect the choices they make along the way. The goal is to limit your opinions about what you think is best for them and not pressure them.”
6. If you feel like you’re in over your head, say something.
Your support likely means the world to your partner. That said, don’t be afraid to say something if you feel overwhelmed by the situation, said Kurt Smith, a therapist who works with men and women at Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching.
“Because of how traumatizing it can be to hear these details, sometimes, it’s best to limit how much you try to help and leave it to trained mental health specialists who have worked with sexual abuse survivors,” he told HuffPost.
You can be supportive by listening to your partner and encouraging them to speak with a professional in a non-pressuring way.
“It’s ultimately their call but encourage them to find a therapist to speak with to get the help and support they need,” Smith said. “The common response is to bury the memories and pain and move on with life. But that’s a mistake because oftentimes, the trauma doesn’t go away and negatively impacts survivors in ways they don’t fully recognize until they address it with a professional.”
7. Be patient.
Recognize that moving on and recovering is a slow, painstaking process and that your romantic relationship may not be the same for a long time, Palumbo said.
“Reclaiming sexuality after sexual assault may take support, treatment and time,” she said. “Let your partner express their needs, wants and boundaries. If you aren’t sure whether they’re comfortable or ready for something, ask. Ultimately, everyone heals in their own time and their own way – and for most survivors the path isn’t a straight line.”
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Ashley Judd
She told the Times that she thought, “How do I get out of the room as fast as possible without alienating Harvey Weinstein?”
Gwyneth Paltrow
“I was a kid, I was signed up, I was petrified,” she said, noting that when Weinstein found out she told her then-boyfriend Brad Pitt, "I thought he was going to fire me."
Angelina Jolie
Kate Winslet
"I had hoped that these kind of stories were just made up rumours, maybe we have all been naïve," she said. "And it makes me so angry. There must be ‘no tolerance’ of this degrading, vile treatment of women in ANY workplace anywhere in the world.”
Meryl Streep
“The disgraceful news about Harvey Weinstein has appalled those of us whose work he championed, and those whose good and worthy causes he supported," she said in a statement.
Rose McGowan
After The Weinstein Company fired Harvey, the actress and director called on the rest of the studio's board to resign.
"They knew," she said in a tweet. "They funded. They advised. They covered up. They must be exposed. They must resign."
Ben Affleck
Actress Rose McGowan denounced Affleck for implying that he didn't know of the abuse before this week, saying that the pair had previously discussed Weinstein's treatment of her.
"You lie," she tweeted.
Lena Dunham
"Abuse, threats and coercion have been the norm for so many women trying to do business or make art," she wrote. "Mr. Weinstein may be the most powerful man in Hollywood to be revealed as a predator, but he’s certainly not the only one who has been allowed to run wild. His behavior, silently co-signed for decades by employees and collaborators, is a microcosm of what has been happening in Hollywood since always and of what workplace harassment looks like for women everywhere."
George Clooney
"A good bunch of people that I know would say, “Yeah, Harvey’s a dog” or “Harvey’s chasing girls,” but again, this is a very different kind of thing," the actor told the Daily Beast. "This is harassment on a very high level. And there’s an argument that everyone is complicit in it. I suppose the argument would be that it’s not just about Hollywood, but about all of us—that every time you see someone using their power and influence to take advantage of someone without power and influence and you don’t speak up, you’re complicit. And there’s no question about that."
Jennifer Lawrence
"I worked with Harvey five years ago, and I did not experience any form of harassment personally, nor did I know about any of these allegations. This kind of abuse is inexcusable and absolutely upsetting," Lawrence said in a statement. "My heart goes out to all of the women affected by these gross actions. And I want to thank them for their bravery to come forward."
Hillary Clinton
Clinton said that she "was shocked and appalled by the revelations about Harvey Weinstein. The behavior described by women coming forward cannot be tolerated. Their courage and the support of others is critical in helping to stop this kind of behavior."
Barack and Michelle Obama
"Michelle and I have been disgusted by the recent reports about Harvey Weinstein," the Obamas said in a statement. "Any man who demeans and degrades women in such fashion needs to be condemned and held accountable, regardless of wealth or status. We should celebrate the courage of women who have come forward to tell these painful stories. And we all need to build a culture -- including by empowering our girls and teaching our boys decency and respect -- so we can make such behavior less prevalent in the future."
Judi Dench
"Whilst there is no doubt that Harvey Weinstein has helped and championed my film career for the past 20 years, I was completely unaware of these offenses which are, of course, horrifying and I offer my sympathy to those who have suffered, and whole-hearted support to those who have spoken out," she said in a statement.
Leonardo DiCaprio
"There is no excuse for sexual harrassment or sexual assault-- no matter who you are and no matter what profession," DiCarpio said in a Facebook Post. "I applaud the strength and courage of the women who came forward and made their voices heard."
Jessica Chastain
"I was warned from the beginning" about Weinstein, she said in a tweet. "The stories were everywhere. To deny that is to create an environment for it to happen again."
Julianne Moore
Colin Firth
“It must have been terrifying for these women to step up and call him out. And horrifying to be subjected to that kind of harassment. I applaud their courage."
Tamron Hall
Blake Lively
The actress said that she was unaware of the abuse but admitted that "it's devastating to hear."
"It's important that women are furious right now. It's important that there is an uprising. It's important that we don't stand for this and that we don't focus on one or two or three or four stories. It's important that we focus on humanity in general and say, 'This is unacceptable.'"
Julia Roberts
Ryan Gosling
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This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
