The ‘Real Housewives of Salt Lake City’ churn butter and dent cars on last night’s episode

Tuesday night’s episode of “The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City” begins with Heather Gay in a Gucci tracksuit FaceTiming with her eldest daughter, Ashley. Heather tells Ashley that she wants to throw a luncheon for her fellow housewives to celebrate their friendship and the pioneers and founding of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The theme is not entirely clear. But it is clear that she plans to make her friends wear aprons and bonnets.

Next, we find Monica Garcia also having a mother/daughter chat with her eldest, who it turns out has a different father than her younger siblings. Monica left her first husband, she explains, after finding drugs in the home. Monica’s storyline, at this point, is just a real bummer and not what I watch this show for, which is the insane outfits and petty arguments.

Angie Katsanevas and her husband, Shawn, have a “date night” in what is obviously broad daylight at Osteria Amore on the east side of Salt Lake City. This is their first date in over two years, and it’s edited to appear quiet and awkward. When they do start to talk, they argue about their music preferences. This somehow leads to them agreeing that they need to reprioritize their relationship and spend more time together.

Back at Heather’s house, Heather is preparing a Lisa Barlow-appropriate meal (fast food and cookies). While driving, Lisa hits a large boulder in front of Heather’s home that dents her Porsche. Which, if I had to guess, is not that out of the normal for Lisa. Together, Heather and Lisa feast on Wendy’s chicken nuggets while Heather tells Lisa that she and Monica want to take everyone to Bermuda for a group trip. This would mean that Monica and Lisa need to bury the hatchet, Heather explains, and Lisa reluctantly agrees.

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Whitney Rose meets Angie at White Horse, where Angie tells Whitney about her recent date with Shawn. Whitney shares that she and her husband have been experiencing their own brand of awkwardness as Whitney has focused more on her career and less on her husband. Then the conversation takes a pretty sharp turn when Whitney says she doesn’t believe it’s natural to be monogamous.

Moving on.

Up at Meredith Marks’ home, she and her husband, Seth, are getting ready to record another podcast episode, this time with Whitney and Justin Rose. Look. I say this from the bottom of my heart: If we are going to be forced to watch the Marks record every episode of their podcast, I am done watching this show. If I wanted to listen to their podcast, I would listen to their podcast. I will not be tricked into listening to it by their insistence on shoe-horning every recording session on the show. And I will not be tricked into recapping every episode. You’ll be getting no SEO assists from me, babes.

MOVING ON.

For the final act of the episode, Heather makes everyone drive down to Quiet Meadow Farm in Mapleton, and does, indeed, make them all wear aprons and bonnets. These poor women have to cover their designer blazers and giant sunnies with drab pioneer garb. “How dare you?” Angie cries, and honestly, it’s a fair question.

Heather gives a toast and explains that April is the month the church was founded and in celebration, they are going to do some fun crafts to honor their heritage. Heather says that stores that sell supplies for these crafts are abundant in Utah. The supplies are mason jars and yarn.

They start by churning butter in jars, something I attempted in the fourth grade during one of many field trips to a pioneer village. Next, they make dolls out of handkerchiefs and yarn. They name their dolls and present them to the group. Monica puts an “A” on her doll and explains that the other dolls need to stop ostracizing her doll and welcome her back into the group.

When they sit down to eat, Heather explains that their meal contains a bunch of pioneer comfort foods, like ribs and mac and cheese. I don’t mean to be insensitive here, but every pioneer story I’ve heard has included near starvation and making cake out of flour and water because that’s all they have. This meal might not be entirely historically accurate is all I’m saying.

Then Heather chooses the game “Who are you throwing off the wagon?” in which everyone must throw someone else off the hypothetical wagon. Lisa picks Monica because she just can’t help herself, and that launches a shouting match between the two of them. And then a shouting match ensues between the whole table. Angie throws her jar of cream. The noise of shattering glass quiets everyone at the table and gives Heather an opportunity to pull Monica aside and remind her that they’re supposed to be announcing the trip to Bermuda. “I’m not going,” Monica says.

Lisa walks over and apologizes to Monica for saying Monica’s mom seemed nice. Monica apologizes to Lisa for calling her ugly. They agree to take a deep breath and move forward.

But when Heather announces the trip to the group, Monica sits solemnly and refuses to speak. When she does say something, it’s, “We’re all going to the Devil’s Triangle where we belong.”

This launches another argument, this time between Heather and Monica.

All signs point to this trip being a real success.