Jimmy Kimmel on Trump’s hush-money trial: ‘Grab him by the mushroom, Stormy!’

Late-night hosts talked Truth Social’s bad week on the stock market, Donald Trump’s bad day in court and a new poll on Americans who think violence will solve political divisions.

Jimmy Kimmel

In less than 24 hours, Donald Trump had not one but three judges rule against him in three different cases, Jimmy Kimmel gloated on Thursday evening. In Georgia, a judge rejected Trump’s claim that calling election officials to overturn the results was protected by free speech. In Florida, a judge Trump appointed denied his argument that he was authorized to take classified documents to Mar-a-Lago as president. And in New York, a judge rejected his attempt to delay the Stormy Daniels hush-money case.

“The judge ruled hush money paid to an adult film star is not related to a president’s official acts,” said Kimmel. “I’m pretty sure, and I’m not a historian, that that’s the first time a judge has had to say that.

“I feel like we all want to see him taken down by the porn star one, right?” Kimmel added. “Grab him by the mushroom, Stormy!”

Related: Seth Meyers on Trump’s presidency amnesia: ‘Like a Bill Cosby biography that ends in 2014’

The trial will begin on 15 April. “It’s the first time in history that a former president will be held accountable for cheating on his taxes and his wife on the same day,” Kimmel quipped.

In the Florida case, the judge heard evidence that Trump kept classified documents in numerous places. “Not only did he have them at Mar-a-Lago, he had them at his house in New Jersey, he had them at Trump Tower in New York, he had them on his plane, in Eric’s bouncy house, in the envelopes for the birthday cards he never sent to Don Jr, in MyPillow, he had them everywhere,” Kimmel explained. “Which, of course he had them everywhere. Have you ever seen this man’s desk? It’s like the backroom at Office Max.

“If I was him, that would be my defense – ‘your honor, I’m a slob, I don’t know what to tell you,’” he joked.

Stephen Colbert

“Forget the old saying ‘April showers brings May flowers,’ because from now on it’s ‘April trials bring me smiles,’” said Stephen Colbert on the Late Show. That’s because, despite 88 criminal charges, Donald Trump has so far faced zero consequences. “It’s been one delay after another,” he said. “But that’s about to end,” as a New York judge ruled on Thursday that Trump’s hush-money trial would not be delayed to wait for his supreme court immunity hearing.

“Let’s go!” cheered Colbert. “The best part is, it’s a criminal trial, so Trump has to be there every day. Starting April 15, we get to see Donald Trump having to see Stormy Daniels testify about having seen Donald Trump naked.”

In other news, a new PBS poll found that one in five Americans think violence could solve US political divisions. “When reached for comment, one in five Americans said ‘you want to go, bruh?!’” Colbert joked.

Colbert stood with the majority, “and I proudly say … four on one, we can take these guys!”

And to help shore up chances in the 2024 election, Trump and his allies are pressuring Nebraska to change how it awards electoral votes. “Always a bad sign when your campaign strategy is to bully individual states,” said Colbert. “‘Hey! More like Old Hampshire, you dusty bitch. Now give me all your electoral votes and go back to 69-ing Vermont!’”

Seth Meyers

And on Late Night, Seth Meyers looked into Truth Social’s rollercoaster week on the stock market, coupled with reports on Donald Trump’s billion-dollar net worth. “This is all paper money so far. It’s not real yet,” Meyers explained. “Just as Trump’s net worth went up, it can come crashing back down, which is partially what happened on Monday when the stock price fell.”

Truth Social lost about $4bn in value in its first week of trading, taking $1bn of Trump’s net worth with it. “He basically lost the entirety of Taylor Swift’s net worth and, by the way, she got that money,” said Meyers. “That’s not theoretical. She could buy private jets with her debit card. And she made that money from writing and performing, not from slapping her name on a money-losing Twitter rip-off. Although, she could definitely do that. I’d be first in line to sign up for a new social media app called TayTok.”

Why did the stock for Truth Social tank? “Well, reality probably caught up with it,” Meyers explained. “His company’s value is completely divorced from its underlying business.” Truth Social generated only $4.1m in revenue last year, and lost $58m in 2023; its monthly user base is shrinking.

“So the company lost $58m and more than half of its users, and yet when it went public, it was first valued at over $7bn,” said Meyers. “I’m sure you’re asking how that’s possible, and there’s actually a perfectly reasonable explanation, but it involves a lot of complex financial jargon and some very technical, obscure macro-economic principles that will take me a long time to explain.” So he explained it: “The stock market is bullshit.”

The real indicator that Truth Social stock was worthless, Meyers continued, was that many investors were betting the company would lose money by shorting its stock. “Again, there’s no way Trump understands any of that,” he noted. “I guarantee when Trump’s aides told him investors were shorting his stock, he thought they meant that short people were buying his stock.”