I've Never Orgasmed During Sex
Hi! I've been dating this guy (first boyfriend) for about two years. I've never orgasmed during sex, and I tried masturbation, but it didn't work either and I just felt silly. I've realized recently that I love absolutely everything about guys ... except for their man part. I love my boyfriend to bits, I see myself spending the rest of my life with him (it's mutual), but I haven't told him about this issue because I don't know what to make of it. Fingering feels amazing, but I also know how unfair it would be to tell him that fingering, caressing (anything but his man part), and making out are the only physical things that get me worked up when those aren't things that give guys release. What do I do? Am I even really straight?
I can tell this issue sounds enormous to you - like you're the only one in the world who's not just orgasming easily, over and over. So please read Cosmopolitan's terrific feature on "The Orgasm Deficit," which should make it clear that there are plenty of women out there who are not screaming in ecstasy at this very moment.
At the very least, please memorize this statistic: Just 25 percent of women consistently have orgasms during vaginal sex. About 50 percent have orgasms during sex sometimes. And the rest either have orgasms seldom or not at all.
The point is: Everyone's different, and orgasms can't just be wished into being, like fairies. For most women, it takes experimentation, a willingness to learn about your body and try new things - and a supportive partner who's willing to help you learn how to feel good. Even then, you're almost certainly not going to orgasm every time - but there are ways to make sex better for yourself.
Feeling better begins with owning your own desires and asking for what you want. You say it would be "unfair" to tell him that "fingering, caressing … and making out" are what make you feel good - "when those aren't things that give guys release." But let's be real: You've been doing a lot of things for your boyfriend to make him feel good that don't give you release. Now it's your turn. It's only fair. Again, it's not just you: A lot of things that make women feel good don't make guys come. But that doesn't mean guys shouldn't go down on their girlfriends. Especially if they like blow jobs.
So talk to your boyfriend: Be honest, and tell him that you don't orgasm and you don't know why. Tell him that you're not blaming him, but you'd like for him to help you figure it out. If you want to be with him for "the rest of your life," you'll have plenty of time to work on this.
As for your last question, "Am I even really straight?" I don't know! But if you aren't, that's fine too: It's just one more thing for you to think about as you continue to discover your sexual self.
I've known my boyfriend for five or six years now. We dated back in high school and now we have been together for almost a year. In all that time I never knew him to be a liar, and he's never been anything but honest and true to me. I have bad trust issues because of people in my past and I try not to let it interfere, but sometimes I slip. Last week, I got a text from an unknown number that said, "John has been f*cking the neighbor." I don't believe it for a minute but at the same time, I can't help but be wary because of people in my past. On top of me not believing it, I also leave for work after he does and get home before him, and I also visit him at work sometimes unannounced, so he really has no time to. How can I break myself from this? Why are people so interested in trying to get us to fight? Who makes up things like that!?
I can't say that he's absolutely innocent, but I can say that I've had a similar situation:
Years ago, I went on guys' trip with my buddies to Venezuela: beaches, beer, good fun with my boys. When I got home, my girlfriend received an email from a woman saying I'd had an affair with her while on vacation, that I'd told her about my girlfriend, and that she just had to tell the truth that I was a cheater. Only, the Hispanic name of the woman was misspelled in the email, and when I tracked the I.P. address, it turned out the email hadn't been sent from Venezuela, it had been sent from a library computer at New York University, where my girlfriend was in grad school.
It sucked to be accused of something I didn't do and, damn, did it make me angry. Pretty soon, I figured out who had really sent the email - not a dangerous stalker, just a depressed dude with a crush - and I got his email account suspended. My girlfriend was suspicious for a day or two, then she believed me. When I bumped into the guy on the street, I told him that our mutual friend in Venezuela sent her regards.
But it was scary: Of course, my girlfriend was worried until I found that I.P. address - I would have worried too. And if this guy had been more clever, maybe he could have planted real seeds of doubt and caused some real friction.
So here's the thing: Whether he cheated or not, you've nothing to lose by talking it out. So tell your boyfriend. Don't accuse him of anything, just tell him about the text. Maybe he'll have a sense of who it was. Maybe he can just give you the reassurance you need. Or maybe he'll act shady and you'll sense there's some reason to prod him further.
It sounds like you love and trust him, so don't let this mystery text become a secret you hide from him: No matter what the outcome, you'll feel better just to get this off your chest. But you'll certainly feel better if it turns out this is someone playing games: When other people are trying to tear you down, that's when you've really got to stick together.
I had surgery to remove a Bartholin gland that kept getting painful cysts (which actually happens to a lot of women). These glands help provide lubrication during sex and now I only have one. To make a long story short, sex with my boyfriend is really painful now that I am only getting one side of my vagina geared up for sex. The simple solution is to use lube. The problem is that my boyfriend doesn't want to. He thinks it's gross. The other solution is to really up the foreplay game, but he's also unwilling. He likes foreplay when I'm doing things for him, but he said that foreplay for me feels like a chore. He expects me to be able to get turned on the minute he says that he wants to have sex. I've explained to him that that isn't how female anatomy works, but he won't consider that maybe he's wrong. I don't know what to do. I am not willing to keep having painful sex, but our lack of sex life is putting strain on our relationship.
You're being completely logical, flexible, and sensitive.
Your boyfriend is being boneheaded, selfish, and insensitive.
Medical condition aside, he's being boneheaded to say that lube is gross: That's like saying wine is bad because you had one bad glass at the Olive Garden. Lube is great. There are a billion brands and types - even flavors - and it's really not hard to find one you like.
He's being ridiculously selfish to say that foreplay is a "chore" - but only when he's doing it. It's also just fucking lazy.
And, frankly, he's being wildly insensitive by not being the slightest bit considerate about what makes you feel good, particularly given your condition. He's not compromising. He just wants things to be as easy as possible for him in bed, no matter how much it literally hurts you. So let me ask you: Out of the bedroom, is he any more giving and considerate?
Is your sex life really putting a strain on your relationship? Or is just revealing what's really going on in your relationship? I'd bet it's the latter.
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