'The Bachelorette' Recap: Sex Bomb

·Editor-in-Chief, Yahoo Entertainment

Remember last week on The Bachelorette, when Ian began the process of torpedoing his chance to become the Bachelor? Now, it’s time to finish it.

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After berating Kaitlyn for being a “surface-level” person who is “here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV” (well, duh, that’s her job!) — and after Kaitlyn, frankly, spends a little too long hearing the guy out — Ian climbs into the Indignant Exit Van. “I’m being punished for being an intellectual,” he gripes. “They didn’t teach Cheesy Movie Quotes at Princeton.” I suppose they didn’t teach Grasping the Obvious either, because Ian still doesn’t realize how bad his behavior makes him look (“I think I’m destined to be the Bachelor,” he boasts), nor does he stop himself from spouting hypocritical soundbites.

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Back at the hotel, Nick races upstairs to make sure Kaitlyn is OK. (Gotta hand it to him — this guy is good.) “I’m here for everything you’re here for,” he assures her. “I love that you’re [into] movie quotes and dumb humor.” Of course this is exactly what Kaitlyn needs to hear right now, and the already rose’d Nick scores eight million more points with the Bachelorette. Meanwhile, over in the peanut gallery:

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No worries, guys. Nick’s got it all under control.

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Actually, that’s untrue. Exhibit A:

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Sorry Shawn, Ben, Tanner, Joshua, and everybody else who was hoping to get some more time with Kaitlyn tonight, because here comes Chris Harrison with his Butter Knife of Bad News. Remember the Alamo, boys? Take your places in front of the historic building! Harrison, lurking around a corner with Kaitlyn, asks the Bachelorette in an eager whisper, “Where’s your head?” Oh, you know, “feelings,” “drama,” “roller coaster,” “feelings.” Let’s get on with it. And the guys joining Ben, Nick, and Shawn in the rose brigade are… Jared, Chris, JJ, Joe, Ben Z., and Tanner. Awwwww, sorry Joshua and Justin. Good luck to you and your weird hair.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 6

And we’re off to Ireland!

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Sooooo pretty. And, of course, it’s The Best Place to Fall in Love. (Until the next country.) And here comes the Hoodie Patrol!

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Just as they get settled in the hotel, in walks Kaitlyn with the awkward announcement that it’s time for the first one-on-one date. And given that the worst thing she could do is choose Nick for the honor, what do you think happens?

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Hold your horses, pal. The getting lucky part happens later. Anyhow, Nick throws on some tight green pants and one of his ever-present Henleys, and he and Kaitlyn head out into the city for some touristy fun.

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Nick loves how Kaitlyn “brings out that goofy side that I have.” Indeed, he doesn’t seem to mind making a fool of himself in the public square. This lady knows what I’m talking about.

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Eventually they make their way to a pub for some whiskey and more grotesque PDA.

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Props to the old guys on either side of them for not upchucking their Guinness. Night falls and Nick and Kaitlyn still can’t keep their hands off each other. Even during dinner inside Christ Church Cathedral, they’re all grope-y and slurpy and gross. For Lord’s sake, people, you’re in a house of God. Can we keep the face-mashing to a minimum?

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They manage to stop manhandling each other enough to get through the date-rose ritual, and then a very flushed Kaitlyn invites Nick back to her hotel “to hang out for a bit.” Seriously, guys, can you please just wait until you get inside? Making out in a church is bad enough — let’s not add public fornication to your list of Americans-abroad faux pas.

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“Come with me,” whispers Kaitlyn to Nick once they’re finally inside her hotel room. Thanks to the mic packs that Kaitlyn and Nick are inexplicably still wearing, we don’t have to work too hard to figure out what’s going on behind her closed bedroom door.

Meanwhile, back in the boys’ room, Shawn and Jared are having a glum conversation about Nick. “I know I keep going back to it,” says Jared, “but you’ve just gotta trust Kaitlyn.”

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The next morning, as the birds and the bees awaken to face another day (nice touch, Team Bachelorette), Nick emerges from Kaitlyn’s hotel room — a little rumpled but none the worse for wear.

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Kaitlyn, meanwhile, is feeling really good about her decision.

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“Has this ever happened before?” she asks an off-camera producer. “I’m trying to think if Chris and Britt did have sex, what I would have done.” The guilt, she explains to us, is not about “the act” itself — it’s about knowing how hurt the other guys will feel when they find out. And they will find out; the only question is, who will tell them first — Kaitlyn or Nick? It’s clear that Nick really wants to let the guys know what happened, but he can’t quite bring himself to do it. Though he humblebrags about their “intimate” and  "personal" alone time, he concludes with a lame lie: “We just sat on her couch… and talked some more.”

On that note, enjoy your group date, Tanner, Ben Z., Shawn, Jared, Ben H., and Chris! And what a delightfully morbid group date it is.

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Yes, today’s activity involves celebrating Kaitlyn’s short life by pretending she’s dead and throwing a “traditional Irish wake.” I’m sorry, but was this truly the best cultural activity Team Bachelorette could think up? What about clog dancing? Sheep shearing? Cabbage boiling? Anything would be more fun to watch than seeing these dudes try to eulogize a woman they’ve known for a few weeks as Kaitlyn cackles in her casket. The guys must have had some time to prepare, though: Tanner recites a poem, chiding the Bachelorette for making him “jump through hoops” and “date in groups,” while Shawn tells his lost love he understands why she killed herself: “I would have done the same thing if I had to spend the entire day with Nick yesterday.” Ba-dum-bum!

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The date hits a bit too close to home for Ben Z., though, and he can barely get through his speech without crying. “Today was super hard for me,” he tells the Bachelorette later, when they’ve all gathered for drinks (more drinks!) at the Guinness Storehouse. “[But] you’re surprisingly good at making me feel better.” Yeah, this guy is a sweetie — but I don’t sense a lot of chemistry between him and Kaitlyn; indeed, she even refers to him as “a teddy bear.”

With Jared, on the other hand, Kaitlyn’s all giggles and smooches. And I’ve gotta hand it to the guy — he’s the only one who legitimately doesn’t seem bothered by the Nick situation. The same can’t be said for Shawn, who’s been stewing in his own hate juices for so long even Kaitlyn’s starting to smell something funny. “You seem off today,” she says, as they sit down for some one-on-one time. Shawn brushes off her concerns and quickly changes the subject by whipping out some photos — actual physical photos, like, on paper and everything — of his family.

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Awwww, cute baby photos for the win! There’s no way Shawn’s not getting the date rose, right?

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Oh. Well, this is awkward. “Kaitlyn just told me a few days ago [that] I’m the one,” sighs Shawn. “It’s kind of like I’m getting mixed messages.” Yes, yes you are, sir. But that’s the name of this game. Now please go take your grumpy feelings elsewhere so Jared and Kaitlyn can enjoy this private concert by The Cranberries (whose last album, fittingly enough, was called Roses).

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But after an evening of pounding stout, Shawn simply can’t keep it together. “I love the girl,” he drawls to the other guys, before walking off to find a producer he trusts. Perhaps thinking he’s having an off-camera conversation (bless his dimwitted heart), Shawn unloads all of his frustration and grief on some dude with a baseball cap. “She came to my room and we stayed there for like six or seven hours,” confesses Shawn. “I was with her all night. She said, ‘You’re it.’ She said, 'You’re the one.’”

I think I speak for all of Bachelor Nation when I say, Wha-wha-WHAAAAAAAAT? So this is what Joe was talking about earlier when he said Shawn got to spend some “extra time” with Kaitlyn after his one-on-one date.

But back to Shawn’s meltdown, which is still in progress: “And then we get to the Fantasy Suite and she bangs two other dudes, and then… Not a chance! I can’t do that s–t… My parents went through a terrible divorce. Trust, to me, is like the biggest thing ever. I’m telling you, I’m not gonna make it. I can’t do this anymore. I’m about to cry right now.” Oh my God, you guys, I hope Team Bachelorette has some Atavan and a straight-jacket handy for when Shawn finds out Kaitlyn had sex with Nick, because something tells me he is not going to take it well.

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For now, though, Shawn decides that the best course of action is to head up to Kaitlyn’s hotel room for a come-to-Jesus meeting. “She’s ruining everything that we have,” he moans. “She’s gonna ruin it all.”

Knock knock knock! There’s a broken-hearted hunk of beefcake at the door! The Bachelorette, caught off guard — wait, is that actual food in her mouth?? — fears the worst: “I just hope he’s not here to talk to me about what happened with Nick.”

Well I hope that’s exactly what he’s here to talk to you about honey… but we’re all gonna have to wait until next week to find out, because once again, the show’s over before we get to the good stuff. And once again, Team Bachelorette teases us with tantalizing snippets of next week’s drama, which involves a lot of man-tears.

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Oh, but THANK GOD we have time to see what’s been going on with Britt and Blake, because that is a relationship we all give a frog’s fat ass about, apparently.

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OK, so that’s not exactly what Britt’s mom said, but she did say more than once that she thought Brady seemed like a nice “friend” for Britt. So… yeah.

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We’ll leave Britt to puzzle that over for awhile as we ponder the many questions raised by this episode. Is there more to Kaitlyn and Nick’s relationship than just sheer animal lust? Is Shawn’s meltdown justified, or should he just suck it up, given that he knew what he was getting into on The Bachelorette? Should everyone else besides Shawn, Nick, and possibly Jared just go home right now? And why was Britt still wearing that weird knit cap in the house? Post your thoughts below! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s blog when you’re done. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go listen to “Zombie” by The Cranberries on repeat.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.