'Bachelor in Paradise' Recap: Mikey Likes It!

We begin episode 2 with Clare having just arrived, and this seems like as good a time as any for us to pretend we all know that Jonathan and Juelia have long been a thing. Because that means even though we ended the last episode pretending as if our favorite Christina Applegate doppelganger could ride into town and steal any man she wanted, now we’re gunning for a different narrative. It goes something like this, as Clare explains it: “I guess I’m stuck with Mikey and JJ.”

If that were my predicament, I would be talking to that amazingly cute crab, too. The very long conversation she has with it leaves the crab looking like the much, much smarter one. She concludes it with this: “I wish I could just take a picture of, like, what my eyes are seeing to emulate what you’re seeing.” I mean, who hasn’t wished that while speaking with a crab?

Then her crazy talk just keeps coming. “I feel like I creep on people’s convos,” she explains of her current place in the social hierarchy. “I creep on people’s relaishies.” Clare does not have time for full words. She is very busy with the crab talking and the creeping.

Remember, Clare still has a date card. After all her freaking out about what to do with it, finally Mikey the Meathead just grabs her and says he thinks it would be “like, awesome” for him if she would share her date with him. She’s all, yeah, whatever, and that’s it. Drama’s over. She subsequently explains that she enjoys men who take initiative. But that’s before she finds out that on this date, she’ll have to do sexy partner yoga with him as instructed by Salvadore and Eva. Anyone else wish they could watch an entire show about Salvadore and Eva instead? I feel like they probably live very passionate, sensual lives full of food, wine, friends, sex, and possibly occasional intense fights that they always make up after because, you know, that’s just how Salvadore and Eva are. Obviously this all happens in beautiful Spanish with English subtitles and incredible lighting.

This pleasant and artsy reverie of mine is interrupted by Clare saying, “I hope I don’t have to rub priveys with Mikey on our first date.” By all means, Clare, continue to shorten words in the most offensive ways possible. After she is, in fact, strongly encouraged to rub priveys with Mikey in these kind-of adjoining camel poses — don’t think that Salvadore and Eva don’t have a sense of humor just because they are also so passionate! — Clare and Mikey head out for a swim. During this, Clare miraculously turns rational and reasonably well-spoken, using full words to explain to him that she is on Bachelor in Paradise to explore her options, and she’s not exactly ready to get monogamous with him, or even gamous with him in any way, so maybe no thank you on the kiss. Then he tells the camera he’s pretty sure he “nailed it” with Clare. Salvadore and Eva, come back!

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Week 1

For some reason, we take up some camera time on the fact that Ashley S. takes Dan on her date. This is a foregone conclusion, what with him accompanying her to the hospital the previous day. It is borderline touching when they both say that their hospital visit was a great first date, though it once again brings up the question of what the hell happened to her. All I got was that she had an IV, so probably just dehydration or somesuch, which was maybe at least partly brought on by massive alcohol intake combined with being in the sun all day. That is to say: Bachelor in Paradise-itis. On this date, they dance in the street together, and she repeats the oddly popular compliment sweeping this show: “You have a really nice face.”

Anyway, the games are heating up back at the ranch because things basically stand like this: Tenley has no particular attachments. Jillian has no particular attachments. JJ has no particular attachments. No one likes JJ much, but he’s the one with the rose really up for grabs. Tenley likes Jared, but there’s basically a line forming for him. She makes a brief play for him — that is, she has a human-to-human conversation with him that presumably involves neither Disney characters nor Chicken McNuggets — which sends Ashley I. into her tailspin of the minute. “I’m gonna die alone, it’s fine,” she says to her sister, Lauren. Then she starts raving about Tenley, who is all of 31 years of age. “I’ve had to deal with an old lady before, and it’s really freaking me out,” Ashley I. says. “I hate it when they’re with old ladies more,” Ashley adds, making me wonder many things. Who are “they”? Men? And she hates it more than what? Or does she hate it when they spend more time with old ladies… than they do with her? The sentence structure here is a disaster, though I enjoy how powerful and sexually threatening old ladies seem in this scenario. Finally, Ashley concludes, “My plan is, like, to honestly get drunk and go off with him.” Yes, what could possibly go wrong with that plan? Her sister encourages her, saying, “Ashley deserves a man who treats her like a woman, who treats her like a princess.” Two very different things, my dear. And the only thing Ashley deserves right now is some serious work on maturing.

Tenley is getting desperate to stick around, presumably panicking because she has no idea how to find other humans to hang out with in real life. No one has told her you can just go outside and find them all over the place and talk to whichever ones you want. Someone please help Tenley and Ashley I. I am seriously worried about them. Tenley kinda throws herself at JJ and gives him “permission” to kiss her, presumably to get his rose. He’s like, hey, why not, and they make out. Then she convinces herself that it was enjoyable.

We’re heading into the rose ceremony, but a few quick things before we go: Jared actually wants to give Clare a rose, and they decide to hang out some more regardless of whether her rose comes from Mikey or him. Clare is going to crush Ashley I. Oh, and Ashley I. still likes Jared’s face. He is, in fact, “everything I want on paper and everything I want in a face.” Someone needs to tell her to listen more to the noises coming out of people’s faces, and maybe even to decipher those noises to find out about other people’s thoughts and feelings. Which come from their minds. Which is what’s underneath their hair.

And now, the final rose matchups of the night: Tanner and Jade, Kirk and Carly, Dan and Ashley S., Jonathan and Juelie, Mikey and Clare, Jared and Ashley I./Lauren I., JJ and Tenley. Sorry, person who’s job it is to put the censoring black bar on Jillian’s butt. She’s going home.

As for the first live post-show, After Paradise, here are a few of the highlights:

Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays and Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC; After Paradise airs Mondays at 9 p.m. on ABC.