You'll Actually, Literally Pass Away From Laughing At The 50 Funniest Tweets By Parents Last Month

Just found my kid’s missing library book with two days left in the school year so maybe I should buy a lottery ticket

— meghan (@deloisivete) May 29, 2023

When my 2yo doesn’t want to talk anymore, she ends the conversation with “happy birthday” and walks away waving bye.

— Princess (@themultiplemom) May 8, 2023

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

— meghan (@deloisivete) May 24, 2023

Mid-tantrum, 6yo paused to write MAMA and DADA, then crossed out both words. Shocked by his own cruelty, he crumpled the page muttering “not nice of me.”

— Emily Adrian (@adremily) May 23, 2023

Toddlers are cute until they come out with sentences like, “He’s our dog, we’re not gonna cook him”, and then they’re terrifying

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) May 25, 2023

I volunteer at my kids’ school and a kindergartner told me “my mom used to have two butts, but now she just has one.” I didn’t know how to be like “tell me more about your mom’s butt” without getting kicked off campus. It haunts me to this day that I don’t have more details.

— Call me Shane ❤️ (@shanaschwarz) May 16, 2023

6yo: Momma, close your eyes! I have a surprise!Me: OK, but I don't want a naked butt in my face when I open them.6yo: Nevermind.

— MommyingHard (@MommyingHard) May 24, 2023

You should clarify that Little Red Riding Hood was wearing other clothes IN ADDITION TO the hood when telling the storyI know this now pic.twitter.com/ybXCOOdG5Q

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) May 26, 2023

5yo; “Mommy, I think when I grow up, I might change my name to a grownup name because my name is a little kid’s name. Maybe I’ll use my middle name. My name is such a baby name! I want a grown up name when I’m a grown up.” Reader, his name is HARVEY.

— Stephanie Insley Hershinow (@S_Insley_H) May 3, 2023

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

— Tada (@krystaunclear) May 22, 2023

My daughter left a full glass of milk on the stairs and in a ~shocking twist~ the milk got kicked over and there is milk everywhere and she is crying because she was still drinking that. Gotta feel bad for her, there's no way anyone could have predicted that outcome.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 4, 2023

parents when you ask how their family vacation was pic.twitter.com/TvevxQOLfo

— Adam (@adamgreattweet) May 22, 2023

Psyched to see my kid’s presentation at school so I can check out all the projects the parents did.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) May 22, 2023

At 4 my daughter convinced her pre-k class that her dad was eaten by a shark. We are a 2 mom family (never a dad in the picture). Several kids were crying as they ran to the teachers. Didn’t find out about it until the last day of school months later. Now she’s a theater kid. 😏

— Marcie 🏳️‍🌈 (@jedimarcie) May 17, 2023

The mom from “5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed” should be happy they're actually getting exercise instead of sitting around playing on their phones.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 31, 2023

When my daughter was in 1st grade she told her teacher ‘My Mom keeps dead babies in the closet’. I was mortified when I found out. Luckily the teacher knew I taught cpr so understood my daughter’s statement.

— Debbie Doncer (@nobody021974) May 17, 2023

how to market bottled water to dads pic.twitter.com/hmqRRIYDOJ

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) May 28, 2023

9y/o: Oliver invited me to his bday party…I asked him what he wanted…he said a case of Prime.Husband: A case of Prime? You mean, the energy drink?9y/o: Yea…He likes Meta Moon.Husband: Okie Dokie…[under his breath] And now we know which friend’s gonna sell the good weed

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) May 24, 2023

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) May 25, 2023

My kid’s favorite little square hash browns were out of stock and now he has to eat slightly bigger square hash browns, so please respect our privacy during this difficult time

— meghan (@deloisivete) May 23, 2023

Finally getting a leg up on evolution. pic.twitter.com/PMBcM90emm

— Jason, ex Inferis (@benedictsred) May 31, 2023

Nobody:Nobody:Absolutely nobody:My kid: as soon as we get home I’m gonna get naked and look at my butt

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) May 19, 2023

My three year old just asked me “why do mamas cry sometimes” and like how much time does she have

— Sachi Ezura (@misstrionics) May 26, 2023

My kids have grown taller and they're just now discovering that the reason I've been getting them their snacks and drinks all these years was because they were too short to do it themselves, NOT because I'm their personal servant. They are not happy.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 20, 2023

Teens only ask you what your favourite things are to tell you that they suck.

— Mad Hatter Mommy!!! (@MadHatterMommy) May 26, 2023

I used to want my kids to be happy all the time, but then I discovered happy screaming is even louder than angry screaming and now I'm not so sure.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 23, 2023

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

— nika (@nikalamity) May 23, 2023

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) May 25, 2023

my five year old texted me and I guess I didn’t text back quickly enough pic.twitter.com/k5aBhqwoeL

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) May 8, 2023

My daughter, wearing a sweatshirt and covered in a blanket when it’s almost summer: “I’m hot”

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) May 25, 2023

“I’ll pretend I’m a really old mom. Like 24.” -a third grader at the park that just made a sworn enemy

— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) May 23, 2023

Life begins the day all the kids can put on their own sunscreen.

— Terri Paella Piñata (@terrip38) May 24, 2023

10: dad, close your eyes and open your mouthme: well that's definitely a no.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 9, 2023

11: In theatre when people tell you to break a leg it’s because they want you to get in a cast. Me: Ok George Carlin just get your shoes on.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) May 26, 2023

At the park and my son is playing soccer w/ a child named Kevin. I’ve never met a child named Kevin before. Kinda just thought Kevins only came in adult form…ya know like pigeons

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) May 22, 2023

Did you breastfeed? Independent dairy owner and operator. Formula feed and wash a million bottles a day? Mixologist with food safety credentials.

— Shannon (@ShannonJCurtin) May 23, 2023

I have the same birthday as my mother-in-law, and my 5yo asked if we’re twins. He’s lucky he’s adorable.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) May 25, 2023

a zillion parenting books out there and not one about managing your cat’s jealousy over the new baby pic.twitter.com/Uq2dwC7yg2

— Michelle Cyca (@michellecyca) May 24, 2023

we paid for 13 to go to Dollywood with a friend all day yesterday and today he's thanking us by being a huge asshole.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 23, 2023

My 5yo just came in and announced his engagement to the neighbor girlUnrelatedly, 10 mins ago he came in crying because she had punched him “in the nuts”

— meghan (@deloisivete) May 18, 2023

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.Me: What???5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 16, 2023

The opposite of 'taking candy from a baby' is 'putting sunscreen on a toddler'.

— Annie Way (@Anniewritess) May 26, 2023

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) May 23, 2023

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it againHe looked at me like I'd just showed him prison tattoos

— Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ (@Cafeinated_Dad) May 21, 2023

Half of parenting is just hoping they forget this idea before Christmas

— Matty (@bestestname) May 19, 2023

My brain keeps trying to turn this into a country song pic.twitter.com/dOhrAhefxe

— meghan (@deloisivete) May 31, 2023

Moms love swapping childbirth stories like old guys telling war stories at the VFW, except this is over oatmilk lattes and the whole café gets to hear who had the higher degree tear

— Kona Slater (@KonaSlater) May 14, 2023

i was upset with my 10 yo over something earlier and he said to me "you're just mad because you know you don't even have $5,000 dollars." i wasn't. but shit, now i am.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 23, 2023

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) May 31, 2023

*packing suitcases* kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket kid 2: stick

— meghan (@deloisivete) May 28, 2023

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) May 31, 2023