There's no doubt about it — marriage is full of the ups, the downs, and the seriously, seriously funny.
Well, it's a good thing we have the totally hysterical married people on Twitter to keep it all the way real about it:
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn't know we had
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in commonMARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Husband of many years: Did I ever tell you about the time my…Me: Yes. The answer is always yes.
My husband is currently several states away and I think I just heard him sneeze.
Make sure you know if your partner parks at the entrance or exit doors to Home Depot, if you’re not compatible the relationship won’t last
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
My wife put parental controls on Netflix because I watched one of our shows without her.
My poor husband. It must be bloody awful to have a condition that apparently stops him from being able to shut a cupboard door after he’s opened it.
My husband and I have been watching true crime together. When an episode ends, we just stare at each other, slowly backing out of the room from different exits
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee. I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Me: *mixing different alcohols together*Wife: What are you making?Me: A mistake.
Sometimes when the hubs is watchin a tv show I don’t like I’ll just sit down and say, “I think the kids were in your toolbox again…” And just like that I’m watching my show in 3..2..1
My husband and I made a $100 bet when we stopped by a cool rooftop bar yesterday. He thought we’d get carded and I live in reality.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...She gave me a hug.
I opened up emotionally to my husband and told him how long it’s been since the check engine light turned on.
My wife and I are at the point where I text "Hey" and she'll text back "It's on the dining room table."
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier? Me: Absolutely! Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?Me: Absolutely!
When I get mad at my wife I wait till she's wearing a dress, put on my favorite cargo shorts and then complain that I can't find my wallet because I have too many pockets
Dating: you’re going out with your boys again?Marriage: please just leave this house
I thought I could smooth over a fight with my wife by bringing home a cheese platter and that’s the second thing I’ve been super right about today
YELLOW-my wife when I’m driving and a green light turns yellow.
My husband acts like separate blankets is a gateway to separate houses as if sharing a blanket doesn’t have me weighing my options
I used my husband’s dandruff shampoo and I already notice a significant decrease in the amount of words I use when replying to text messages.
My husband just recorded his voice saying, "Wake up right now or you'll be late for school!" and is playing it on a loop for the kids, and this gentle reader, is why I married him.
Wife: ew boys are gross!Me: I’m just hugging youWife: STOP FARTING WHILE YOU’RE HUGGING ME!!Me: why can’t you just love me the way I am?
Capturing my husband‘s attention is easy, I just refer to a screwdriver as a wrench.
My wife was sitting next to me on the couch and I texted "want to hook up?" When I looked over she was swiping left.
I’m pretty sure that sharing dessert wasn’t part of my marriage vows.
In honor of Father's Day, I gave my husband a Home Depot gift card with a beautifully handwritten to-do list.
I wish my wife would stop referring to our marriage as ‘The Long Con’
I keep hearing romance fades the longer you’re together, but my husband and I have been together for 15 years and we don’t flush the toilet at night so the whooshing sound doesn’t wake the other up. It’s almost like we invented romance.
Ugh. Why does my wife always blame me for things that are my fault?
Husband: Why are you so grumpy? Me: I’m not grumpy. My face:
Wife and I got a sitter for our date night. Might get a little crazy after dinner and hit up the good Target on the other side of town.
If I leave my clothes in the bathroom then my wife will place them in front of the bathroom door. I don’t get why she wants me to step over them each time I go into the bathroom…
I saw “how to get rid of stubborn belly fat” in my wife’s search history even though I asked her to stop calling me that.
My husband must hate when I work from home because he has to keep popping up from his secret nap when he hears me come up the stairs
Wife set her alarm 10 minutes before mine, whole day is ruined.
I hung a world map on the wall, gave my wife a dart & said, throw this & wherever it lands, I’m taking you there on vacation. Turns out we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.