'American Idol': Judging the Judges, Week 9
It’s a tough job lending immeasurable star power to American Idol’s farewell season, but someone’s gotta do it before the whole thing goes down in flames April 7. Welcome back to Judging the Judges, our weekly power ranking* of Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez, and Harry Connick Jr. during the final Idol-sponsored round of their ongoing quest to become the greatest self-promoter this world has ever seen.
*Unlike Harry Connick Jr.’s systematic refusal to play along, the Judging the Judges points system is 100 percent arbitrary and subject to change.
KEITH URBAN
+500 vulnerability points go to the gooey moral center of the Idol judging panel for re-tapping his well of tears from Kelly Clarkson’s gut-wrenching performance of “Piece by Piece” last week. “As a dad, having little girls… it’s so emotionally raw,” Keith explained. “You never see that.”
+100 EMOTING points for dispensing sound logic to a poorly coached Trent Harmon: “Facial expressions should be like runs; they just happen!”
+200 milking it points for reimagining the cockles of his own heart as udders as Keith told Gianna Isabella he wanted more feeling from her performance.
+50 inventive choreography points for letting it all hang out while encouraging La Porsha Renae to forget what she was wearing and “just sang!” (Bonus +10 for sprinkling in an “abracadabra.”)
+50 free-association points for breaking into song — “This is a maaaa-a-an’s world…” — during J. Lo’s most recent power trip.
+20 phobias-be-damned points for sweeping the entire perimeter of RANDOM HANDS.
+6 Weight Watchers points (a triumph!) for politely holding his ground after bullies called him out on snacking on cauliflower and ranch dressing between segments.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
+15 points of flair for ditching her floppy Bob Barker mic like it wasn’t even that hot.
+40 girl, I earned them points for pouting like no one was watching during Avalon Young’s cover of The Weeknd.
+20 solidarity points for making sure Dalton Rapattoni wasn’t the only one bouncing uncontrollably during “Radioactive.”
+10 caution to the wind points for loooooving Trent Harmon’s “exaggerated jaw vibrato” under the shade of Harry’s advice to keep modifying it for Trent’s own safety.
-100 leading the witnesses points for “literally having a vision” of Trent and La Porsha as the final two — “not to discard anyone else here…”
-200 priority check points for saving her most profound critique of the week for guest performer Demi Lovato.
HARRY CONNICK JR.
-300 too soon, just DON’T points for leaping at the chance to connect a teenage contestant’s ailing grandpa to that one time Harry flung a piano behind his back.
+15 accidental authenticity points for exposing his true feelings (ennui, disgust) re: this lackluster Farewell Season — if only for a split second.
-200 dead inside points for delivering a live performance that seemed to bore even himself.
+100 comeback adult points for bravely mustering up the enthusiasm to introduce frontrunner La Porsha with the flair she deserves. And what the hell, a bonus +50 for calling the aforementioned’s afro by its proper name, Kokomo.
-5 for slightly sloppy timing while whisking away a pesky chyron.
-100 just… because.
HONORABLE MENTION: TAYLOR HICKS
+100 consolation points for merely showing up.
HOST WITH THE MOST B.S.: RYAN SEACREST
-200 pants on fire points for unabashedly lying during a painful Ford promotional tie-in with Big Machine CEO Scott Borchetta: “This season does feel incredibly special.”
FINAL TALLY FOR WEEK 9:
Keith Urban wins with a heart-pounding 936 points!
Jennifer Lopez: -215
Harry Connick Jr.: -440
Seacrest and Borchetta: -500
What a truly abysmal week for most involved!
Can Keith break 1,000 by pouring even more emotions into his cup o’ ranch? Find out on American Idol, airing Thursdays at 8 p.m. on Fox.
