'American Idol': Judging the Judges, Week 8
It’s a tough job lending immeasurable star power to American Idol’s farewell season, but someone’s gotta do it before the whole thing goes down in flames April 7. Welcome back to Judging the Judges, our weekly power ranking* of Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez, and Harry Connick Jr. during the final Idol-sponsored round of their quest to become the greatest self-promoter this world has ever seen.
* Unlike guest judge Kelly Clarkson’s pregnancy glow and unrelenting awesomeness, the Judging the Judges points system is 100 percent arbitrary and subject to change.
Let’s kick it off by giving J. Lo and Harry -50 don’t even joke about that points for booing Kelly Clarkson in jest. Moving on …
KEITH URBAN
+100 in-it-to-win-it points for edging out Harry in what this competition is really about: dramatic head tilts.
+200 for grooving like he meant it during Trent Harmon’s Sam Smith cover.
+50 for nonchalantly stealing the show by suggesting a “She Bangs” cover for William Hung’s biggest fan, MacKenzie Bourg.
+300 for digging deep into the emotional well after La Porsha Renae’s powerful Thursday performance: “There’s a beautiful quote that says, ‘I judge myself not by what I have, but what i’m willing to give…” drawled Keith. “What you just gave was pure humanity.”
JENNIFER LOPEZ
AUTOMATIC 100-POINT* DEDUCTION FOR MENTIONING GOOSIES — face goosies this time! “Usually I’ve got it on my legs and arms. This time I’ve got it in my cheeks,” J. Lo explained the chilling backstory.
* Although J. Lo’s standard goosies deduction is 200 points, this week’s has been reduced due to undeniable symmetry between “goosies on my face” and Miss White’s “Flames on the side of my face” moment from the movie Clue.
+50 for indicating goosies but having the restraint not to mention them again after Trent Harmon’s rendition of “Like I Can.”
+75 for coming the closest of the three default judges to Kelly Clarkson’s enthusiasm for showstopper La Porsha.
-100 for searching for critique inspiration in her own braids during performances. “You’re getting more smooth, like butter,” she decided following Avalon Young’s cover of Chris Brown’s “Yo (Excuse Me Miss).”
-200 for pretending not to know who’s 15 and who isn’t, having invented the term “fifteen-ness” and subscribed to it as her new religion many weeks ago. “You’re 15, right?” she demanded re-confirmation from Tristan McIntosh.
KELLY CLARKSON
+200 charmingly self-deprecating points for keeping it real in the face of excessive compliments (“I’m sweating!”)…
…and looking down with mild disgust as Ryan cued up the first of her many pre-recorded segments.
+50 for assuring Lee Jean he doesn’t need to blow it out vocally — “Whaaaa!” — like most of the other contestants.
+100 for giving credit where it’s due. if anyone knows how to “boom” during a performance, it’s Jennifer Lopez.
+100 for giving La Porsha Renae’s gem-worthy “Diamonds” cover the mic-dropping respect it deserved.
+50 for interrupting J. Lo to throw in another “DAMN!”
+500 Once more, with feeling AND DANCING!
+1000 for practically passing her crown to Season 15’s undeniable MVP. “If you don’t win, I don’t get it,” she said. “I wanna BE La Porsha.”
+2016 for speaking for Idol contestants and fans alike in the midst of this farewell season: “Whatever, Harry Connick” will be the GIF that keeps on giving.
HARRY CONNICK JR.
+50 super-fan flashback points for “rocking the Leo look” from the stands — in a better seat than TV’s Donna Martin, no less — for Idol’s Season 1 finale.
+100 for being genuinely starstruck by the original Idol: “You’re SO GOOD at this!” he raved. (“You’re BEING NICE,” Kelly shot back.)
+200 for finally addressing the absurd hiccupping habit of contestant Thomas Stringfellow. “You have to stop,” Harry decided eight weeks in. “It gets annoying.” Bonus +10 for mentioning “the lead singer of the Cranberries” as the only fruit product who could get away with this.
-50 for making it slightly creepy as he asked Dalton Rapattoni, “You like it when those girls scream for you?” (“Guys, too!” Kelly corrected him.)
+1 for this ever-so-subtle “this kid’s out of his league” grimace delivered to Lee Jean. Dare I call Harry almost… Simon-esque here? (-1000 points for me due to excessive wishful thinking.)
+10 for zeroing in on the hand-hungry fan who clearly wanted it the most.
HONORABLE MENTION: LA PORSHA’S FAMILY
+300 wordless worship points for this accurate critique of “Diamonds.”
HOST WITH THE MOST ENTHUSIASM, WIFI: RYAN SEACREST
+12 consistency points for always behaving like an adolescent in the presence of J. Lo’s see-through costuming.
-100 for using valuable air time to show pics of William Hung’s wedding day on his iPhone.
DISHONORABLE MENTION: BIG MACHINE CEO SCOTT BORCHETTA
-500 for pretending to want viewers to vote now that he and the other head honchos have finally decreed it permissible.
FINAL TALLY FOR WEEK 8:
Kelly Clarkson wins with 4,016 points! Unreal! A new JTJ record!!!
Keith Urban: 650
La Porsha’s Family: 300
Harry Connick Jr.: 261
Ryan Seacrest: -88
Jennifer Lopez: -325
Scott Borchetta: -500
Will the judges collapse or rise to the occasion like winded gladiators in the absence of Kelly’s breath of fresh air on Week 9?
Find out on American Idol, airing Thursdays at 8 p.m. on Fox.
