Things Only Secret 30somethings Understand
Some of us come out of the womb as fully-formed 35 year olds. This list goes out to all the 23 year olds who put on their sweats immediately after work, pour themselves a glass of Pinot Noir, and curl up with a Netflix marathon. I see you!
1. You would literally rather die than go out on a Friday night. You already know that weekends are for amateurs, and prefer a lovely Tuesday evening at a wine bar with a few friends to a bar scene crawling with creepazoids.
2. You're bad at drinking. You aren't able to consume more than one glass of wine without falling over.
3. You're anal about money. You can't sleep unless you check all your financial accounts once a day and know exactly how much is in each account. Your direct deposit and automatic bill pay game is on point, too.
4. You love a good sale at West Elm. Is there anything more relaxing than a furniture sale?
5. Roaming the aisles of Target is the only thing that will calm your nerves. It is the only thing more relaxing than a furniture sale. You're not opposed to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, too, but you feel like you've kinda outgrown it?
6. You aren't concerned with what other people think. Your friends might be obsessed with owning Yeezys, but all you need are a pair of sensible sneakers at a reasonable price for your nightly run.
7. You can wait for the movie to be on Netflix. Because $12? are you kidding me, AMC?
8. Ordering delivery food is only for special occasions. Seamless is great, but saving up for your dream house is better.
9. You have an evening routine. You don't just stumble home and fall into your futon face first. You actually take the time to shower, moisturize (with the good products! You don't skimp on your skin!), and get into bed by 10pm. You need your full eight hours!
10. You like to have friends over for dinner parties. This is probably the biggest sign, because actual 32 year olds hate that shit. Too many dishes, and someone always shows up uninvited!
11. You have a Pinterest page titled "dream house." It's filled with enough shiplap to make HGTV cream its jeans.
12. You have a pet. Crazy cat ladies aren't just 40 and single. They are 23 and single, too!
13. You prioritize travel, but you're not staying in hostels. You know being in your twenties means you have time to see the world, but you also know you don't want to sleep in a room with 12 other fools in it. Instead, you have a travel fund that you build up and when it's time to visit Italy, you do it in (at least semi-)style.
14. You have older friends. Sure, you have friends in your 20s and you love them, but you also have friends in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. And hey, you can even hang with your mom's friends and you adore them. They offer such perspective, and know the best swear words!)
15. You can't wait to be old and wrinkly. You're so ready to grow old with someone you love. Honestly, you're one step away from Googling "active senior homes" and learning how to play pickle ball.
16. You're in a book club. And you actually read the book each month! That's how old you are!
17. You eat a balanced diet. You actually have healthy food in your kitchen and you know how to cook it. Your peers think that's funny, charming, or weird. It is all of those things. Don't forget to remind them to eat their vegetables!
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