"AHS: Roanoke" Delivers a Crazy Twist Indeed
Now this is the shit I’m talking about. I know we were promised twists and we were promised turns, and I know I never should have believed that the dramatic re-enactment premise was the be-all and end-all. But I did, and I’m admitting it because we’ve been hanging out for over a month now and you need to know how gullible I am. (Answer: very.)
So here we are today. Turns out the documentary format is over and out, and while what happened to Matt and Shelby did indeed happen, we’re seeing this season for what it is: a hit reality show premise gone terribly wrong.
Here’s the deal: A dude named Sidney (Cheyenne Jackson) is the director of American Horror Story: Roanoke - as in, the episodes we’ve seen so far. Now, it’s months later and there’s been a fall-out in the wake of fame and fortune. Matt and Shelby are currently separated (thanks in part to her hookup with actor Dominic Banks - Cuba Gooding Jr. - who played Matt in the series). While Agnes Mary Winstead - the actress who played The Butcher (aka Kathy Bates) has gone absolutely insane, having sung the praises of her “part of a lifetime” in an on-camera interview before losing her shit on Cheyenne (once he brought up her psychotic break on Hollywood Boulevard).
Her issue? She thinks she really is The Butcher (oh boy), and tends to wield a meat cleaver along with that accent we’ve all begged her to abandon. Throw Lee’s criminal charges into the mix (turns out her ex-husband’s death was never solved), the common belief that she killed him, and the subsequent alcoholism of the woman who played her, and we’ve got ourselves a real den of ill repute.
Because that’s what this season’s all about: a whole new Roanoke experience. The series was the TV success story of 2015 with 23 million viewers and Sidney needs to make a sequel. Which is what he’s going to do.
And that’s what the first half of this episode is: the recruitment of the O.G. dwellers and the actors who played them. Sarah Paulson (a British actor named Audrey Tindal) is married to Evan Peters (an actor named Rory), and, because nothing terrible happened when they filmed the series over the summer, they’re both game for another installment. So is Real Lee, Dominic, and Angela Bassett, and Shelby agrees to go back if Matt goes too. (They don’t know Dominic will be there as well - #drama.)
Return To Roanoke: Three Days In Hell is now born.
The catch is that this particular season will take place during the Blood Moon. Sidney bought the house for 50 cents on the dollar at the close of season one, so he plans to rig the house with cameras and microphones to capture the mayhem.
And surprise, surprise! It doesn’t take long. On top of stumbling upon a circle of dead baby pigs (which Sidney blames Kathy Bates for and serves her with a restraining order), a crew member dies on set. Sidney’s producer Diana also perishes: Angry that he won’t let the crew take time off in the wake of tragedy, she peaces out but comes face to face with Mr. Piggy, who kills her in front us of via her camera phone. (And her body is never found.)
Plus, more murder! Once the gang assembles for their three days of doom, Sarah Paulson is caught off guard by Mr. Piggy in the bathroom but manages to escape. Tragically - and I mean seriously, very tragically - Rory doesn’t. When he goes up to check out the pigheaded situation, he’s ambushed by the murder twins who complete the spelling of “MURDER” thanks to the first letter of his first name.
Everything is terrible and I hate it so much.
Because that’s how this shit ends. Not only do we only get, like, five seconds of Evan Peters screen time (I waited fucking weeks, you monsters), we have to watch him murdered from afar - as though it somehow dulls the pain of us not being able to see he and Sarah Paulson as a couple anymore. Well, guess what: It does not. And now we’ve got a bunch of freaks in a house and probably Kathy Bates, who I bet is the sole survivor as she lives, like, five seconds from the shoot, coming back with the worst accent ever. (There was a disclaimer at the end of the episode saying that after this Blood Moon Roanoke clusterfuck, only one person doesn’t die.)
So guys, I think this just became my new favorite show. Even though we somehow haven’t met Lady Gaga as the Forest Queen (I want to meet her as an actor, goddamn it) or Wes Bentley or Frances Conroy. Because if Kathy Bates is an actor, they have to be too - right? Sidney made it very clear that he only wants “real” people, but Frances the Townie is Real AF™ and Lady Gaga is way too big a name to just be the British woman with the Lithuanian accent who lived in the woods. But I learned my lesson - I learned that Ryan Murphy means it when he says he’s got twists. I just hope that means we learn Lady Gaga’s real name is Joanne.
Lingering questions:
Who lives, who dies, who tells this story? Because we’re technically watching the second season of this fake/real series, made via found footage. But who’d know where to find it? Sidney? Is he the mastermind? Because he’s got “potential victim” written all over him - or potential murderer, since I wouldn’t trust a reality TV producer willing to serve a restraining order on-camera.
Are you kidding me with Evan Peters though? You have to be kidding. You’re kidding, right? At least have him return as a ghost.
So who plays all the ghosts we met in the first season? Because that’s way too meta otherwise. Deliver unto me more act-ors.
Sarah Paulson can do no wrong. This isn’t a question, this is just me saying a true thing.
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