I Won't Feel Ashamed of Getting Lip Fillers
My earliest memory of my self-esteem issues started in fourth grade. I had just moved to a new school - while also happening to suffer from chronic, windburn-chapped lips. This left a gross, reddish crust on my upper lip that burned and felt dry all of the time. So I was constantly licking them.
I was mocked for my lips. I remember asking the teacher if I could get a drink from the water fountain during class and even he would say, “Yes, but only if you stop licking your lips.”
I spent a lot of time staring at myself in the mirror, looking at the strange crusty appearance on my lips. Where had this come from? Why did I have this? Why me? From a young age, I began dissecting parts of my face - I was noticing how imperfect everything was. I think this might be, at least partially, why I decided to get lip injections years later.
Portrait of the author at an awkward stage. (Image courtesy of Elle Nash)
This kind of outsider mentality, knowing I was somehow different because of something I couldn’t control, stuck with me all throughout my school days. I never dated in middle school and in high school considered myself to be part of the gothy social outcasts.
I later developed adult acne, an eating disorder, and a self-harm habit that lasted through college. I’ve since recovered and through recovery, realized that these habits were in part because I was attempting to take back my bodily autonomy, to reclaim a sense of self, because I wasn’t sure of my identity.
Later on, after college, I started working at a beauty salon. There, I was introduced to Botox and facial fillers, which immediately intrigued me.
Because of the adult acne, I had mottled skin that nothing seemed to smooth. The aesthetician at the plastic surgery clinic told me that even the deepest laser therapy would only improve the appearance of my scarring by about 10 percent, which I knew wouldn’t do much. I felt lost about wanting to improve my appearance, but I really wanted to do something. So, at the age of 27, I opted for getting my lips injected.
At this point, my lips had healed, but I still viewed them as imperfect even though they were perfectly nice lips. There was something about having the power to change them - even if temporarily - that was so tempting. It made me think of the things I tried to grasp during my eating disorder and self-harming days. I wanted control over my self-identity.
The author before lip fillers
The first time I got it done, it was subtle and powerful. I felt more feminine, which I thought would happen. I loved my new appearance, and couldn’t stop looking at my face in the mirror or taking selfies.
I easily saw how people could become addicted to that instant gratification, but I had to make sure I knew I was doing this because I wanted to, and not because I felt I wasn’t good enough as-is.
To me, getting Botox or lip fillers is absolutely no different than getting a tattoo - except it’s even less permanent. It’s silly to be judged for wanting to change something you live inside of every day. Just as you wouldn’t hide having a tattoo you like, you shouldn’t have to hide getting fillers or Botox.
I don’t understand why there’s a stigma or a sense of needing to hide the fact that you want to get “work” done. Every time a celebrity gets work done, the tabloids and people jump all over it. Most comments you see are that they were beautiful before or they shouldn’t have changed. That’s not up to you. It’s up to the individual to decide what is right for them and what they should be allowed to do with their body.
I waited another six months and got my lips done again. And then I did it a third time. I feel as though I’ve come into my own and have taken back my own power. I look back at that sad fourth grader and think about how more myself I’ve become - with or without fillers.
The author after lip fillers
