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50 Things Your Partner Should Never Say to You

Charlotte Andersen

July 24, 2017 at 3:44 PM

<p>Surprise: "You complete me" only works in movies, not real life.</p>

<p>"This comes across very blunt and hurtful, and seems like you don't really want to spend time with your partner. The message underneath is 'you are not that important to me. These other things are more important to me than you.'" <em>-Gabrielle Parkinson, M.A., executive coach</em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3721/things-you-should-never-say-in-a-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:45 Things You Should Never Say In a Relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">45 Things You Should Never Say In a Relationship</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"Telling someone they need to grow up is a backhanded way of saying 'You are not where you should be right now.' Whether the comment is being directed at where they are emotionally or professionally, it's <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4516/unhappy-relationship-signs/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:an insulting way telling someone they are not who they need to be;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">an insulting way telling someone they are not who they need to be</a> for you to love them. And the truth is, love can't foster - let alone thrive - in an environment of conditional love." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://Breakupward.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Chelsea Leigh Trescott;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Chelsea Leigh Trescott</a>, breakup coach and </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://huffingtonpost.com/author/breakupwme-860" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:relationship advice columnist;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>relationship advice columnist</em></a></p>

<p>"This is not only <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/life/news/a22604/new-research-shows-that-domestic-violence-is-connected-to-long-term-health-problems/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:rude and condescending;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">rude and condescending</a>, it's a clear message that your partner does not want to hear what you have to say. It's also a clear message that your feelings and thoughts don't matter. A good partner will open you up, not shut you down." <em>-Suzanne Casamento, dating expert and founder of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.fantasydatinggame.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Fantasy Dating;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Fantasy Dating</em></a></p>

<p>"When your partner brings in past transgressions into current arguments, especially tangential instances, this shows they are not forgiving. Then you'll feel as if the past will always hang over the relationship and <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/life/money-career/a20934/problems-every-good-marriage-has-faced/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:there's no moving forward;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">there's no moving forward</a>. This may make you feel like you're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, leading to anxiety and resentment." <em>-Elizabeth Minei, Ph.D., assistant professor at Baruch College in New York</em></p>

<p>"Your partner should never say is anything in a public setting that puts you down. Often times people like to build themselves up but they do it accidentally (or on purpose) at the expense of someone else." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://www.amazon.com/Stacey-Greene/e/B01N1XDM33/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1?tag=syndication-20" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Stacey Greene;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Stacey Greene</a>, relationship expert and author of Stronger Than Broken</em></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3851/things-you-should-never-tell-people-about-your-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:7 Things You Should Never Tell People About Your Relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">7 Things You Should Never Tell People About Your Relationship</a></strong></span></p>

<p>"If you have a concern of any kind, having your partner brush it off by saying 'It's no big deal' is definitely a big deal. This shows they have no regard for your feelings. Your feelings should always count." <em>-Greene</em></p>

<p>"This <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a4847/abusive-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:abusive strategy;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">abusive strategy</a> is meant to disarm you and keep you in fear for your life and the life of everyone you hold dear. You never know when this threat will become real, therefore you are in a state of heighten awareness, similar to PTSD. This is the most dangerous thing a partner can say to you because you do not know if they are seeking attention of if the threat of death is eminent." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.prc123.org/kandee-lewis-bio-2/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Kandee Lewis;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Kandee Lewis</a>, executive director at Positive Results Corporation</em></p>

<p>"If your partner is selfish when it comes to sex - whether it's guilt tripping you into having sex when you don't want to or ignoring your need for pleasure in the bedroom-not having your needs met sexually may be a sign to end the relationship. Just because your partner got an orgasm doesn't meet your needs have been fulfilled." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_detail.php?profid=318497&search=hershenson&ref=2&sid=1488894923.8327_24335&name=hershenson&tr=ResultsRow" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Kimberly Hershenson;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Kimberly Hershenson</a>, licensed master of social work, therapist in New York City</em></p>

<p>"Be aware of how your partner addresses you. If he or she berates your abilities, appearance, or ambitions, that reveals a tendency to decrease your self-esteem and shake your confidence, making you more easily controlled. This sets the scene for you being more likely <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4446/partner-emotional-abuse/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:to become abused;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">to become abused</a>, and ultimately create a situation in which it is very hard to escape." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://Www.alenagerst.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Alena Gerst;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Alena Gerst</a>, licensed clinical social worker, therapist in New York City</em></p>

<p>"Any time your partner starts with 'a real man/woman...' their goal is to get you to behave as they wish by insulting or shaming you. It's a red flag because they're attempting change you into what they want." <em>-Kevin Darné, relationship expert and author of </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://www.amazon.com/Cat-Wont-Bark-Relationship-Epiphany/dp/1468104721?tag=syndication-20" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany);elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany)</a></em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3701/relationship-red-flags/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:57 Major Relationship Red Flags to Watch Out For;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">57 Major Relationship Red Flags to Watch Out For</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"This particular statement puts a tremendous amount of pressure on you as this makes you the primary, and possibly only, source of <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/features/g3314/how-to-make-your-husband-happy/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:your partner's happiness;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">your partner's happiness</a>. While it may feel good to hear this in the short run, over time you will very likely begin to resent them for putting that much pressure on you." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.drgarybrowntherapy.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Gary Brown;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Gary Brown</a>, Ph.D., licensed marriage and family counselor and couples therapist in Los Angeles, CA</em></p>

<p>"Responses such as this takes disrespect to a new level and is an effort by your partner to silence you or keep you from expressing your thoughts. They're essentially saying whatever you think doesn't matter. Their anger is supposed to intimidate you. It may also be the first step towards <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a49548/i-survived-an-abusive-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:potential physical abuse;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">potential physical abuse</a> if you continue to disobey their instructions." <em>-Darné</em></p>

<p>"People with possible <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/life/friends-family/a47954/im-addicted-to-my-sisters-drug-addiction/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:addiction problems;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">addiction problems</a> (drinking, gambling, or any other excessive behavior) seldom admit it. They're much more likely to blame the partner for objecting. A partner who expresses concern is told 'You're too critical,' 'Can't you see I'm just trying to relax,' or anything else that lets the person avoid admitting a problem. This often causes the partner to back off and the problematic behavior to continue." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.KeepTheTalkGoing.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Jill Whitney;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Jill Whitney</a>, licensed marriage and family therapist in Old Lyme, CT</em></p>

<p>"Often in relationships, people will say things to hurt one another, as a way of punishing or getting back at the other person. However, if you continue to hear that your partner doesn't care about you and they show you with their behaviors, such as forgetting about you, not taking you into consideration, or simply just not paying attention to you, you can look at this as a major sign that the relationship is near its end." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.trisf.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Erika Boissiere;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Erika Boissiere</a>, couples and marriage licensed therapist at The Relationship Institute of San Francisco</em></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/life/news/g3545/divorce-signs-marriage/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:10 Signs Your Marriage May Be Doomed;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">10 Signs Your Marriage May Be Doomed</a></strong></span></p>

<p>"This kind of statement is damaging because it is such a direct assault on your intelligence. Repeated insults can <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/features/g3273/am-i-emotionally-detached/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:chip away at your self-worth;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">chip away at your self-worth</a>, and it's also not a constructive or interesting way to talk about differences in opinions or ideas." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.shulamelamed.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Shula Melamed;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Shula Melamed</a>, relationship and wellness coach</em></p>

<p>"Any sentence that starts out with <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/life/mom-kids/advice/g3649/things-you-should-never-say-to-children/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:'your children';elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">'your children'</a> is hitting below the belt and is going to be tough to rewind. Typically, couples use these zingers in the heat of a real fight when they're feeling that they aren't being heard or they aren't happy with the way things are. They lash out at what their partner loves most, often their children." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://forum.askapril.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:April Masini;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">April Masini</a>, relationship and etiquette expert and author based in New York</em></p>

<p>"When a partner says or believes they are fundamentally more important than you, you will always struggle with gaining equality in your relationship. In their eyes, you are below them, and that is nowhere to be. Relationships must stand <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a17495/signs-equal-marriage/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:on an equal ground;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">on an equal ground</a>." <em>-Boisierre</em></p>

<p>"If your partner <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a14412/domestic-violence-stories/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:hurts you in any way;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">hurts you in any way</a> physically, emotionally, or psychologically, and then says you 'made' them shows that they aren't willing to take accountability for their actions. This is a tactic abusers use to try and get away with their harmful behaviors and create an environment of fear within the relationship. Run." <em>-Melamed</em></p>

<p>"No matter how free and open you think the two of you are, the minute your partner says they are attracted to or would like to sleep with one of your best friends, that spirit of intimacy you share is shattered. Couples who feel that they are so secure they can tell each other everything and anything because their bond is unbreakable would be wise to keep a few things to themselves. If you're sexually attracted to someone who's not a movie star, and is in your actual lives, it's a bad idea to communicate this lust." <em>-Masini</em></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/sex/a48414/women-text-guys-sex-fantasies/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:6 Women Texted Guys Their Most Secret Sex Fantasies - Here's What Happened;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">6 Women Texted Guys Their Most Secret Sex Fantasies - Here's What Happened</a></strong></span></p>

<p>"If your partner flat-out tells you they can't or don't trust you it's a <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/news/a49148/warning-signs-relationship-wont-last/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:big warning sign;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">big warning sign</a> that something is wrong with the relationship. The true foundation of trust leads to security, peace, and joy and without this sturdy foundation there is very few directions a relationship can go. There is no business being in a relationship if there is no trust and both people in the relationship become prisoners to lack of trust and lack of healing."<em> -Kailen Rosenberg, author of Real Love, Right Now and founder of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://thelovearchitects.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Love Architects;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Love Architects</em></a></p>

<p>"Saying 'I know how you feel' when he or she really does not may sound like they're trying to be helpful, yet confusing sympathy and empathy can become a challenging dynamic when going through tough times. A better response from a partner would be active listening in order to learn how you are feeling, so he or she can respond accordingly." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://youtu.be/gvNi0UmTlfE" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Wendy L. Patrick;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Wendy L. Patrick</a>, J.D., Ph.D., behavioral expert and author of </em><span>Red Flags</span></p>

<p>"This is patently false and you should be wary of anyone who says it. Someone who cannot apologize, cannot be accountable, take responsibility, or make amends. This will erode trust destroying the possibility of a <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/g1226/happy-couples-tips/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:fulfilling and intimate relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">fulfilling and intimate relationship</a>." -<em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.lotterman.org" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Patricia Lotterman;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Patricia Lotterman</a>, licensed mental health and couples counselor in Cambridge, MA</em></p>

<p>"This says your partner is not willing to change and they have <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g2868/expecting-too-much/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:no desire to change in the future;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">no desire to change in the future</a>. 'That's just who I am' is both a declaration and a cop-out. If they love and care about you they'll be open to changing together. 'That's just who I am' communicates an unwillingness to even consider making a change, and that rigidity could signal problems down the road." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.joshklapow.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Joshua Klapow;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Joshua Klapow</a>, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and host of <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.thewebradioshow.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Web;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">The Web</a> radio show</em></p>

<p>"If your partner says 'my bad' when they really should say 'I'm sorry', it shows an inability to directly take responsibility for having offended you. This is a huge red flag for their future behavior and conflict management skills. Owning offensive conduct is the first step to becoming motivated to change behavior." <em>-Patrick</em></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: </strong><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4408/how-to-fight-in-a-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:24 Tips for Fighting Without Without Destroying Your Relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><strong>24 Tips for Fighting Without Without Destroying Your Relationship</strong></a></span></p>

<p>"You are allowed to speak unfavorably about your own family just as your partner has that same freedom when it comes to theirs, but neither is allowed to <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/life/friends-family/a46231/crazy-things-mother-in-laws-say/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:speak negatively about each other's family;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">speak negatively about each other's family</a>. When your partner violates this rule by criticizing your family, even if you agree with them you feel compelled to defend your family." -<em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.LifeIssuesPsychotherapy.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Allison Cohen;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Allison Cohen</a>, marriage and family therapist</em></p>

<p>"People know they are not physically perfect but they do want to believe that their partner finds them appealing. If your partner says this, it suggests that <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/sex/advice/g527/spice-up-sex-life/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:their love is superficial;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">their love is superficial</a>. It's a comment that will not be forgotten." -<em>Paul Coleman, Psy.D., clinical psychologist and author of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.findingpeaceinyourheart.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Finding Peace When Your Heart Is in Pieces;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Finding Peace When Your Heart Is in Pieces</a></p>

<p>"This is simply a judgment of <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/a176/body-language-relationship-ll/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:what one observes;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">what one observes</a>, not what really is. Saying this solves nothing. It's better not to call names but to focus on solving the behavior or problem." -<em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.humormatters.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Steven M. Sultanoff;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Steven M. Sultanoff</a>, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, marriage and family therapist, and professor at Pepperdine University</em></p>

<p>"You instantly head into a danger zone when your partner starts a sentence with 'why do you,' or 'why don't you'. These phrases are <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3718/the-worst-marriage-advice-from-every-decade/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:instant communication blockers;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">instant communication blockers</a> because your mate has already and instantly sent the message that they are displeased about your thoughts or actions. Consequently, you'll likely shut down or become defensive." <em>-Cohen</em></p>

<p>"The fact is that absolutes like 'always' and 'never' really aren't true. They can generally be challenged - 'sometimes I listen to you' - and therefore become the focus of a disagreement with the real issue belong lost." <em>-Sultanoff</em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3941/marriage-tips-from-longtime-couples/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:39 Longtime Couples Share the Marriage Tip That's Kept Them Together;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">39 Longtime Couples Share the Marriage Tip That's Kept Them Together</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"First, it's an insult - and any kind of <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/mens-perspective/advice/g606/things-not-to-say-husband/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:name-calling;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">name-calling</a> is a sign of emotional immaturity and the potential for abuse. Second, deliberately insulting your partner shows underlying anger issues. You deserve to be treated better than this, and you deserve a lover who is able to take ownership of his anger without lashing out against you." -<em>Chad Stone, relationship expert and author of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://www.amazon.com/Love-Magnet-Rules-Meeting-Keeping/dp/0985047941/ref=sr_1_1_twi_pap_2?tag=syndication-20&s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1499714186&sr=1-1&keywords=love+magnet+rules" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Love Magnet Rules;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">The Love Magnet Rules</a></p>

<p>"Any kind of demeaning, bullying statement that is destructive to the character of another person and effects the well being of another has no place in the relationship. Ironically, in many relationships these can be subtle or <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/tips/g3130/passive-aggressive-texts/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:passive aggressive;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">passive aggressive</a>, so listen more to how you feel and your partner's tone." <em>-Lisa Bahar, licensed marriage and family therapist, licensed professional counselor</em></p>

<p>"Your partner should never <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4031/taking-back-cheaters/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:threaten to leave you;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">threaten to leave you</a>. Threatening to leave cracks the foundation of trust in the relationship. If the relationship truly needs to end then it should be discussed at a neutral time instead of throwing it out during an argument." -<em> Wyatt Fisher, Ph.D., licensed psychologist at a <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://bit.ly/2alenYJ" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:marriage retreat;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">marriage retreat</a> in Denver, CO</em></p>

<p>"A partner who criticizes you in your most vulnerable areas is a sign that <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4307/sabotaging-your-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:he or she is uncaring and hurtful;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">he or she is uncaring and hurtful</a>. Since the beginning of time, women have been told they are not good enough, young enough, smart enough, or this or that. To be with someone who is this superficial and hurtful is a huge sign that you are far away from experiencing authentic true love." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.askaudreynow.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Audrey Hope;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Audrey Hope</a>, relationship therapist and host of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://www.youtube.com/user/audreyhopesrealtv" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Hope For Relationships;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Hope For Relationships</a></p>

<p>"The truth is that no one can make a person feel a certain way. Your partner made the decision to react with anger and do something problematic and therefore the results are their problem. Your partner shouldn't blame you for their bad behavior." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.pattisabla.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Patti Sabla;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Patti Sabla</a>, Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Maui, HI</em></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a20763/unhappy-marriage/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:10 Signs You're In An Unhappy - or Loveless - Marriage;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">10 Signs You're In An Unhappy - or Loveless - Marriage</a></strong></span></p>

<p>"Telling someone else they're crazy or making them feel crazy is called 'gaslighting' and it should never happen. Making you feel crazy is a form of manipulation and invalidates your feelings, both of which are <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4047/unbreakable-relationship-rules/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:terribly corrosive to relationships;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">terribly corrosive to relationships</a>." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.nicolemrichardson.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Nicole Richardson;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Nicole Richardson</a>, professional counselor supervisor and licensed marriage and family therapist in Austin, TX</em></p>

<p>"If your partner always talks about themselves and does not listen to you, it's very dishonoring. <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4212/things-your-wife-wishes-youd-do-more-often/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Selfishness in a relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Selfishness in a relationship</a> borders on abuse because you are invisible and you don't matter. That is not healthy love. " <em>-Hope</em></p>

<p>"When someone says this, it means <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4296/34-alternatives-to-couples-therapy-that-strengthen-your-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:they want to shape you to be how they want;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">they want to shape you to be how they want</a>. People often say this to their partners when their partner has an increase in confidence and starts dressing differently or takes on something new and exciting, like a job or hobby." <em>-Alex Reddle, editor-in-chief of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://mailstat.us/tr/t/u7urgyylj4zlknfi/1/https://www.flirt.com/blog/alex-reddle-author-flirt-blog/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Flirt.com;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Flirt.com</em></a></p>

<p>"Fans of the movie <em>Jerry McGuire</em> may remember this as <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/sex/advice/g548/most-romantic-movies/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:the most romantic line;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">the most romantic line</a>, but what he was really saying was that he was not capable of being happy without her. If your partner says this to you it puts you in a more dominant position and creates a lack of homeostasis in the energy of the relationship. The correct formula is: one whole person + another whole person = whole relationship." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.DrDaraBushman.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Dara Bushman;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Dara Bushman</a>, Psy.D., licensed clinical psychologist</em></p>

<p>"Your partner should never bring up their ex in comparison to you, good or bad. The point is that relationship didn't work and is no longer around. This is not only hurtful and discouraging, but it indicates that your partner still thinks about previous relationships." <em>-Michelle Frankel, owner of </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.NYCityMatchmaking.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:NYCity Matchmaking;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">NYCity Matchmaking</a></em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g1373/divorce-proof-marriage/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:40 Ways to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">40 Ways to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"For example, 'If you really loved me you'd be willing to have anal sex with me.' This is manipulation 101 and is a no-win situation. Should you change for your partner, you will always feel like you gave into what he needed because he was disappointed in you; and if you stand your ground, you may always feel <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4308/how-to-deal-with-jealousy/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:like you're not pleasing your partner in the way he desires;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">like you're not pleasing your partner in the way he desires</a>, not to mention that the person you trust most has disrespected you on a core and physical level."<em> -Trescott</em></p>

<p>"Expressing our emotions is one way we communicate to others how we feel about them, and how we feel about ourselves. The intensity in which we experience emotions varies among individuals. One criteria for a <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4126/how-to-avoid-7-year-itch/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:long-lasting, healthy, and happy relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">long-lasting, healthy, and happy relationship</a> is accepting how we emotionally process through things individually and together as a couple without fear of judgment, criticism, or rejection." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://eriecoloradocounseling.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Jodi J. De Luca;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Jodi J. De Luca</a>, Ph.D., licensed clinical psychologist in Erie, CO</em></p>

<p>"We have a right to feel what we feel, and to <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/news/g4218/common-marriage-problems/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:work through those emotions with our partners;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">work through those emotions with our partners</a>. To be denied this right is to invalidate a very intimate part of who we are, and often results in a psychologically unsafe relationships." <em>-De Luca</em></p>

<p>"It doesn't matter how the threat is raised or if you're dating or married, but your partner <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4427/signs-husband-is-cheating/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:questioning their commitment;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">questioning their commitment</a> to you is very destructive to the relationship. It leaves you with the insecurity that you're on probation and that, rather than being committed to staying together and working through problems, your partner will bail if things get too difficult." <em>-<em>Rhonda Milrad, licensed social worker, certified clinical sexologist and founder of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.relationup.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Relationup;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Relationup</em></a></em></p>

<p>"All 'shoulds' are simply judgments. When your partner tells you how you should or shouldn't feel, they are really saying, 'I am not taking accountability for what I am saying or doing and how it may affect you.'" <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.DrDaraBushman.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Dara Bushman;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Dara Bushman</a>, Psy.D., licensed clinical psychologist</em></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4444/how-to-fix-relationship-problems/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:33 Tiny Habits That Are Slowly Ruining Your Relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">33 Tiny Habits That Are Slowly Ruining Your Relationship</a></strong></span></p>

<p>"A couple's <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/sex/advice/g513/best-sex-article-tips/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:sexual life waxes and wanes;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">sexual life waxes and wanes</a>, especially when you have been together a long time. It's very normal to go in and out of periods of passion and attraction, especially if people's bodies change (pregnancy, weight gain, age etc.). If your partner decides to share their current lack of attraction to you, it's like a nuclear bomb has hit your self esteem, the relationship and your sexual desire. You're left feeling judged, insecure about your body, and apprehensive to be sexually vulnerable." <i>-Mildrad</i></p>

<p>"You married your spouse because there were dozens of things you loved about their looks, personality, and character. Do not make the fight a dirty one by criticizing their character. Telling them all the things you dislike about them will not only crush their spirit but <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4365/lies-you-can-tell-your-partner/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:break trust and connection;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">break trust and connection</a>. We know that we're all different, have our own opinions and everyone is never going to agree on everything. Having said that, the bottom line is as it always has been: If you can't say something nice, well, keep your mouth shut!" <em>-Meygan and Casey Caston, relationship therapists at Naked Conversations and </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://marriage365.org" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Marriage365;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Marriage365</em></a></p>

<p>"Blame drives <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4377/why-marriages-fail/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:disconnection;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">disconnection</a>. Blame allows a spouse to put responsibility on their mate other than himself/herself. Blaming your spouse allows you to stay in your comfort zone and not change. Both partners need to look at their own faults, figure out how blame is corrupting their connection, and take responsibility for their part in the relationship." <em>-Caston</em></p>

<p>"Focus on the past blocks growth and devalues facets of the current relationship. If your partner is concerned about a certain change they should keep it specific and precise to the current concern. <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4426/relationship-questions-couples-should-never-ask/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Expressing a general wish for the past;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Expressing a general wish for the past</a> isn't helpful and the message gets lost in translation." <em>-Bushman</em></p>

<p>"Part of being in a mature relationship is that there is an interdependence and you need one another. People have different levels of neediness and different responses to it. By telling you that you're too needy, your partner is shaming you about your needs and invalidating your feelings. Ultimately, this will result in you shutting down and hesitating to be vulnerable with them." <em>-Milrad</em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3685/things-spouses-hide-from-each-other/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:23 Secrets Husbands and Wives Keep From Each Other;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">23 Secrets Husbands and Wives Keep From Each Other</a></strong><br></p>

Surprise: "You complete me" only works in movies, not real life.

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