5 Mistakes I Make in My Marriage Every Day
Do you struggle with these common problem areas in your marriage? (Stocksy)
People often lament the difficulties of marriage. Happily ever after is not an exact reality. If it were that easy, the divorce rate would be lower. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life, my home, and my happiness.
When I reflected on the changes I wanted to make, I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage. Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them, though they remain challenging.
1. Demanding gold stars
Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated. “Words of affirmation” are definitely my love language.
In response, I now think more about doing things for myself. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him — “He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the schedule figured out,” etc. — then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!” “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” Because I do things for myself, I don’t expect him to respond in any particular way.
Related: 5 Relationship Secrets From Couples Who’ve Been Together for 40+ Years
2. Using a snappish tone
I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily — but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him. He’s funny that way. Many of my resolutions are meant to help me keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily). I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby. I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I’ve worked on this issue relentlessly for years, and I flew into a 10-second rage just last night.
3. Not showing enough consideration
Studies show that married people treat each other with less civility than they show to other people — and I do this with my husband, I know. I’m working hard on basic consideration, such as not reading my emails while talking to him on the phone, emailing photos of our daughters, etc. Very basic, I know.
4. Scorekeeping
I’m a scorekeeper, always calculating who has done what. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store” — that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to deal with this tendency.
First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious overclaiming (i.e., unconsciously overestimating our contributions or skills relative to other people’s). This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, “When husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent.” I complain about the time I spend paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car.
Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Thérèse of Lisieux: “When one loves, one does not calculate.”
Related: This Gender Gets More Out of Living Together Than Marriage
5. Taking my husband for granted
Just as I find it easy to overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws. For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that’s really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done.
I believe in eight splendid truths of happiness, and the sixth is: “The only person I can change is myself.” I can’t assign resolutions for my husband to follow (as tempting as that sounds; it wouldn’t work). Nevertheless, I’ve found that when I change, a relationship changes, and the atmosphere of my home changes.
What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any useful strategies for addressing them?
Gretchen Rubin is the author of the blockbuster New York Times bestsellers, Better Than Before, The Happiness Project, and Happier at Home. On her weekly podcast Happier With Gretchen Rubin, she discusses good habits and happiness with her sister Elizabeth Craft. She writes about happiness and habit-formation at gretchenrubin.com. Follow her on Twitter @gretchenrubin or on Facebook at facebook.com/GretchenRubin.
WATCH: Marriage Problems and How to Solve Them:
Read This Next: The One Universal Secret to a Lasting Marriage
