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20 Expert Tips on Dating After Divorce

Charlotte Hilton Andersen

January 20, 2017 at 12:39 PM

<p>Divorce can be one of the most gut-wrenching, challenging things you can go through — but once you've signed the papers and are ready to move on with your life, what's next? You've <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/a20632/post-divorce-dating-rules/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:been out of the dating scene;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">been out of the dating scene</a> for years (if not decades), and you know all too well the hurt that can happen when relationships don't pan out. It makes sense you'd be a little wary of romance. But whether you'd just like to dip your toe in the dating pool or if you're ready to dive back in, these expert tips will have you prepared.</p>

<p>"Ideally, everyone would get divorce counseling. A good counselor can help you prepare for divorce, do an "autopsy" of the marriage to discover what part you played in the marriage ending, and help you identify what you are looking for in your next relationship." —<i>Julienne Derichs, a licensed counselor with </i><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.jbdcounseling.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Couples Counseling Today;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><i>Couples Counseling Today</i></a><i> in Chicago</i></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g2147/unexpected-celebrity-divorces/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:18 Celebrity Divorces We Never Saw Coming;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">18 Celebrity Divorces We Never Saw Coming</a></strong><br></span></p>

<p>"No one wants to drink from an empty cup. Be sure to fill yourself up first and foremost with your hobbies, family, friends, and all the things that bring you joy outside of another person. Then go out into the world and meet other people who are ready, because those are the people worth building a relationship with — not the people who are desperate to find someone to fill the holes in their lives." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.drjennelle.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Jennelle Yopchick;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><i>Jennelle Yopchick</i></a><i>, Ph.D., psychologist and relationship advisor</i></p>

<p>"Before you start dating, be absolutely divorced. Not almost there. Make sure the ink is dried on your papers — because dating can affect many things, not least of how the divorce proceedings will go." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.anjhula.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Anjhula Mya Bais;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><i>Anjhula Mya Bais</i></a><i>, PhD, international psychologist</i></p>

<p>"Be aware of the impact your self-esteem can have on your post-divorce dating behavior. Even the most amicable divorce is a blow to your self-esteem. You may rush into another relationship because you want to confirm your desirability. You might not even realize you're doing this, so when you feel a spark of interest in another person, assess the situation objectively. What, specifically, appeals to you about this person? What do you have in common? Why is this person worthy of your time? Don't be afraid to back off after the initial date if anything raises <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3701/relationship-red-flags/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:red flags;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">red flags</a>, and take it slowly even if you seem to hit it off. Don't make a fast emotional investment that leaves you vulnerable to another quick hurt.<i><em>"</em></i> <i>—<i>Barbara Nefer, PsyD, Associate Dean of Faculty for </i><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.snhu.edu/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Southern New Hampshire University;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><i>Southern New Hampshire University</i></a></i></p>

<p>"Divorced folks tend to have gone through a lot of the life changes that happen in younger relationships so they are more confident in the qualities they desire in a relationship. Look at George Clooney. He waited a long time to settle down and his wants have evolved over the past 20 years. And now you can see the type of woman he eventually chose — confident, self-assured, and successful. So make sure you are looking for someone who matches who you are now and not who you used to be." —<i>Crystal Rice, relationship counselor at </i><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.insiemeconsulting.org/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Insieme Consulting;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><i>Insieme Consulting</i></a></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/news/g3415/divorce-cakes/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:20 Divorce Cakes That Prove Life After Marriage Is Sweet;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">20 Divorce Cakes That Prove Life After Marriage Is Sweet</a></strong><br></span></p>

<p>"Don't wait to date until your life calms down, or you lose the weight, or whatever other excuse you have. You've got to get on a roll and stay on a roll to have any fun and success at dating. As long as you're in good enough working order, don't use 'I'm not ready' as an excuse. No one is ever a hundred percent ready." —<i><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.wendyspeaks.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Wendy Newman;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><i>Wendy Newman</i></a><i>, certified relationship expert and author of 121 First Dates</i></i></p>

<p>"One of the most common mistakes I see is rushing back into dating after divorce. You may long for the warm feeling of a relationship, but don't let that desire blind you to the importance of choosing your dating partners carefully. Rebound dating can cause you to pair up with a less-than-ideal person because you were drawn in by the appeal of being with someone rather than making an objective choice about the individual. This leads to problems later in the form of another break-up or of feeling stuck in a bad situation." —<i>Nefer</i></p>

<p>"It's common for individuals to date the same personality type over and over again, reaping similar results of unfulfillment. Instead, make sure potential partners are inviting you to grow as opposed to reinforcing an old pattern. If your love life feels like a scene from the movie <em>Groundhog Day</em>, it may be time to step back and consider some personal development prior to dating." —<i>Robin H-C, behaviorist and author of </i><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.lifesinsession.ca" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Life's in Session;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Life's in Session</a></p>

<p>"Whatever you do, don't spend a lot of time on a date with a new guy revealing all the gory details about what went wrong in your marriage, your problems with your ex, and the difficulties with the divorce or problems post-divorce. Conversations such as these are always red flags to the person sitting across the table from you. This type of dialogue reeks of someone who has not fully recovered from the pain of the divorce and is probably not yet ready to move on.!" —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.jgpsyd.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Jennifer Guttman;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><i>Jennifer Guttman</i></a><i>, Psy.D., clinical psychologist and behaviorist </i></p>

<p>"This may seem like a no brainer, but you'd be surprised at how common it is to repeat the mistakes that tanked a previous relationship. A divorce gives you a chance to start fresh and really reflect on what went wrong in your past marriage. As you dissect some of your missteps, take the opportunity to proactively establish a new process in your go-forward relationships." —<i><i>Kerri Moriarty, financial advisor and founding member of </i><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://www.cinchfinancial.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Cinch Financial;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><i>Cinch Financial</i></a></i></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/mens-perspective/g744/husband-complaints/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">The Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands</a></strong><br></span></p>

<p>"If you have children, don't use them as confidants about your dating experiences. Also, do not introduce them to anyone before you are sure this new person is going to be a permanent part of your, and therefore their, life." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://foundationscoachingnc.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Lesli Doares;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><i>Lesli Doares</i></a><i>, marriage counselor and author of </i>Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage: How to Create Your Happily Ever After with More Intention, Less Work</p>

<p>"Don't have sex. I'm not a prude and I know it is difficult, but too many people slide into marriage rather than decide to marry. Don't shortcut developing a healthy relationship by getting sexually involved. When you do, sex becomes a huge part of the relationship that kills objectivity and prevents you from evaluating whether or not this person is marriage material. Desperate people who use sex to attach to another human will often detach and divorce again once the sex loses its power." —<i>Stephen Arterburn, counselor, host of Newlife Live, and author of </i>The Mediterranean Love Plan</p>

<p>"Getting out of one serious commitment to jump right into another one won't allow for the clarity you need to discover who you are now, and what you are looking for in your mate. I promise you, you're a different person from whom you were when you were married. Learning what you're looking for, and what will make you happy is its own unique journey." —<i>Newman</i></p>

<p>"You need to understand the difference between dating (i.e. hanging out) and courtship (committed romantic partners). Don't get it twisted. Dating is just having fun while courtship is moving on to the next step. If you understand that then you won't be upset meeting up with a guy at Starbucks for a casual hello without wondering when he's going to ask you on a 'real' date." —<i>Cohen</i></p>

<p>"When you do start dating again, take it slow. It's tempting when you've already been married or were unhappily married to move quickly with your first dating relationship. However, this often causes problems because it doesn't let the relationship develop a solid foundation to support itself." —<i>Wyatt Fisher, Ph.D., licensed psychologist at </i><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.marriagecounselingboulder.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Marriage Counseling Boulder;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><i>Marriage Counseling Boulder</i></a></p>

<p>"Sex is how men bond, but it's also the first thing women in difficult relationships tend to forgo as a woman's libido is tied to her emotions. With most divorced couples abstaining from sex during a divorce and often many months or years beforehand, divorced men tend to look for a strong libido in their next partners, while divorced women sometimes put sex on the backburner because they want to develop a bond first. Finding a healthy balance is key. Post-divorced folks out in the dating community could miss out on a meaningful relationship if they're too quick to substitute actual connection with a sexual one, or negate sex altogether." <i>—Rice</i></p>

<p>"Resolve to listen twice as much as you speak when meeting new people." —<i>Linda F. Williams, relationship expert at </i><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.whoseapple.org/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Whose Apple Dynamic Coaching and Consulting;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><i>Whose Apple Dynamic Coaching and Consulting</i></a> </p>

<p>"Do not become emotionally attached initially. Learn to be friends first – people tend to know more about friends than a date. This will allow you know if you're a match." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.kemisogunle.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Kemi Sogunle;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><i>Kemi Sogunle</i></a><i>, certified professional coach, speaker, and author</i></p>

<p>"Date people who are consistent. If someone truly likes you, he or she won't play games and will be consistent with phone calls, texts, and communications. Look for someone who means what they say and then follows through. If they don't call for weeks or bail at the last minute, cross them off your list." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.chantelcohen.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Chantel Cohen;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><i>Chantel Cohen</i></a><i>, licensed therapist and an Emotionally Focused Therapy couples counselor</i></p>

<p>"In dating, your perception of your self-worth will be tested and it's your job to keep that in check. Ask yourself before jumping in, will this make me feel uplifted at the end?" —<i>Lucinda Loveland, relationship educator and co-founder of </i><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.lovesavvyclub.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Love Savvy Club;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><i>Love Savvy Club</i></a> </p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/life/a43207/celebrity-quotes-on-divorce/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:16 Heartbreaking Celebrity Quotes on Divorce;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">16 Heartbreaking Celebrity Quotes on Divorce</a></strong><br></span></p>

Divorce can be one of the most gut-wrenching, challenging things you can go through — but once you've signed the papers and are ready to move on with your life, what's next? You've been out of the dating scene for years (if not decades), and you know all too well the hurt that can happen when relationships don't pan out. It makes sense you'd be a little wary of romance. But whether you'd just like to dip your toe in the dating pool or if you're ready to dive back in, these expert tips will have you prepared.

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Divorce can be one of the most gut-wrenching, challenging things you can go through — but once you've signed the papers and are ready to move on with your life, what's next? You've been out of the dating scene for years (if not decades), and you know all too well the hurt that can happen when relationships don't pan out. It makes sense you'd be a little wary of romance. But whether you'd just like to dip your toe in the dating pool or if you're ready to dive back in, these expert tips will have you prepared.

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