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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)-In an extraordinary rebuke of the President of the United States, the Girl Scouts of the U.S.A. have obtained a restraining order against Donald J. Trump. The order, which the Girls Scouts were granted on Monday night, prevents Trump from coming within three hundred feet of any gathering of the Scouts’ organization. Carol Foyler, a Girl Scouts spokesperson, said that while the G.S.U.S.A. sought the restraining order “out of an abundance of caution,” the girls themselves were “in no way, shape or form” afraid of President Trump. “They’re prepared to deal with bobcats and bears,” she said. “They can handle a malignant narcissist.” Trump wasted little time responding

Michelle Arendas and Josh Avsec, two Kent State University students, swiped right to match on the dating app Tinder in September 2014. Since then, they’ve engaged in an epic 21st century love story, texting each other over the course of three years. But they've taken months to reply to each other, giving increasingly creative excuses for the delay. Most surprising: they've never met in person.But that all changed today on “Good Morning America.”“This is a dream come true. I can’t believe I’m seeing her right now,” Avsec, 22, said of the heart-melting moment on “GMA. ...

Ariel Winter’s no stranger to flashing flesh, but her latest social media posts take things one step further. The 19-year-old Modern Family star took to Snapchat on Monday to reveal a new tattoo. “Love risks everything and asks for nothing,” she captioned the image of herself lying down on a table with her pants down and showing off the script ink on her lower-right backside. Ariel Winter shared her new tattoo on Snapchat.

Excerpts from an extraordinary series of videotaped recordings of Princess Diana, who died 20 years ago next month, in which she discusses her sex life with Prince Charles and reveals that she only met him 13 times before they married, are to be aired on British TV. The tapes, which were recorded as part of voice coaching and media training lessons Diana undertook after her separation from Charles, have a murky history. It is believed they were handed to Diana by her voice coach Peter Settelen, and their existence remained unknown, but after her death the tapes were among hundreds of items that were discovered in police raids at the home of her former butler Paul Burrell. Burrell’s trial for hoarding Diana’s possessions collapsed after a direct intervention by the Queen, who told the authorities that Burrell had informed her that he was keeping some of Diana’s personal effects for safe keeping.