Top 10 Funniest Quotes From "Two and a Half Men"

Roz Zurko
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"Two and a Half Men" provides some of the wittiest and comical sayings ever to be played out on television. The timing between the two brothers, Charlie and Alan, and Alan's son, Jake, does have a lot to do with it, as presentation is a big part of getting the laughs. The people behind the scenes who write this stuff can only be sized up as comical geniuses. It is seldom that a wise crack, quip, or quick-witted answer is put out there without it getting a least a chuckle.

"Two and a Half Men" is also one of the few shows that can still actually conjure up a good deep belly laugh for the viewer. The perpetual bachelor and playboy Charlie lives in a house by himself when his brother and nephew come to live with him. Alan and Jake do put a thorn in Charlie's lifestyle, but they constitute a family nevertheless.

Here are 10 of the most comical quotes that have come out of "Two and a Half Men:

1. Alan comes to live with Charlie for the first time, distraught. He's in the house when Charlie comes home.

Alan: "She threw me out after 10 years"

Charlie: "How did you get in my house?"

2. Charlie is in pain.

Charlie: "Drugs! Get me drugs!

Alan: "No. Medication will only mask the pain."

Charlie: "Fine, mask it! Give me a cape and let me fight crime, I don't give a damn."

3. Charlie in pain at the ER.

Charlie: "It seems like yesterday I could party all night and eat and drink what I wanted to. Now, a couple of Red Bulls and a waffle and I'm sitting in the emergency room praying for a fart."

4. Rose has a question for Charlie.

Rose: "What's the name of that hemorrhoid cream again?"

Charlie: "Fire in the Hole."

5. Charlie and Alan's mother, Judith, was proposed to by a man that Charlie and Alan really like.

Charlie: "I don't understand, how could Mom say no to him?"

Alan: "He was perfect for her."

Charlie: "Forget her, he was perfect for us."

6. Charlie and Alan discuss birth control.

Alan: "Fine. Why don't you just get a vasectomy?"

Charlie: "I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago a petition was circulating."

7. Alan talks about a girl he really likes and the kiss they shared.

Alan: "It was like our souls were merging."

Charlie: "That was saliva, Alan."

8. Alan does the housework and looks to Charlie for a little help.

Alan: "Got to run to the grocery store. I'm going to need somebody to fold these clothes."

Charlie: "I don't know if the grocery store is the first place I'd go for that, but good luck."

9.Charlie and Alan talk about a not-so-smart move on Jake's part.

Charlie: "I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him."

Alan: "I never took LSD."

Charlie: "You might want to start telling people you did."

10. Jake eats a piece of chocolate and asks his Uncle Charlie to taste it.

Jake: "Taste this."

Charlie: "I don't need to taste it, it's a chocolate laxative."

Jake: "I think it needs more caramel."

Charlie: "I'm telling you, Alan, one of these days that kid is going to fart and birds are going to fall out of the sky."


References: "Two and a Half Men"