"Dancing With the Stars" is a gloriously uplifting experience as we woefully unrhythmic Americans (second only to Germans on the list of World's Lousiest Dancers) empathize with other nondancers ranging from the athletically gifted to the ahem otherwise gifted.
The show emphasizes the contestants' successes rather than their failures, so when things go wrong, it's usually the producers or the choreographers who are to blame.
9. Of course, where Andy Dick is concerned, there's more than enough blame to go around.
8. At the Apollo, if things went poorly, Sandman would come and drag you off with a cane. Here, Aly Raisman learns "DWTS" has its own version of Sandman.
7. Ask any comedian from the '80s how white people dance (white people dance like this, but black people dance like this), and it would look a lot like this. Exactly like D.L. Hughley is dancing, in fact.
6. Lisa Vanderpump spent a lot of time complaining that her partner was getting too intimate in the first episode. Methinks the Lady doth protest too much.
5. Of course, that wasn't the only display of nonsensual sensuality. Here, it seems as if dancing pro Emma Slater tried to split the difference between bubbly and sexy and ends up looking like she's lying on a massage bed in a cheap hotel.
4. And then, there's this. Butt bongos, fine — but butt bongos and a motorboat? No. No, no, no. Wynona Judd's bosom is a national treasure. Stop that.
3. Who needs parental supervision? Nothing's more adorable than little Peanut playing with high-voltage electrical cables! Electrocuted? More like electro-cutie pie*!
2. The absolute worst thing you can do as a dancer is actually do the thing the song is singing about. In this case Stevie Wonder is singing, "You can feel it all over" and he is, indeed, being felt all over. Back swipe, butt polish, back swipe, repeat!
1. What are you doing, Bruno?!
Have some respect for yourself! You're a judge! Judges don't dance. Do you think Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor would be so unjudgelike on national television?
Oh. Uh ... oh. Well, then. Carry on, Bruno!
* Please don't tell my mother I made that joke; she would be very disappointed in me.
The season finale of "Dancing With the Stars" airs Tuesday at 9 PM on ABC.