‘The Bastard Executioner’ Recap: The Pregnancy Test

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Episode 5 of The Bastard Executioner, “Piss Profit/Proffidwyr Troeth,” revolved around Lady Love having to convince Gaveston and his “progeny prophet” that she was in fact pregnant. Otherwise, as Gaveston said, the King would have her breasts cleaved off, her barren womb severed, and her head taken by sword. Let’s break it down.

Lady Love is lying, even to Milus. It’d been two weeks since her trip to Windsor, and she’d yet to tell Milus of the little pregnancy announcement she’d made there. When Gaveston arrived at Castle Ventris hoping to prove her a fraud, he broke the news to Milus, who played along. How was Love going to pass the piss test, which involved pins rusting, blood swirling with color, and the phallic bone of a goat (sometimes) softening? Wilkin, still seemingly clueless of her alleged condition but seeing that she was in need of some kind of spiritual healing, took her to see Annora.

Related: ‘TBX’ Postmortem: Flora Spencer-Longhurst on that Lady Love Twist

Annora told Love to send Isabel to her the following morning, and she was given the urine of a pregnant wolf (plus something else) to stir into her own. In short, much to Gaveston’s dismay, it worked. That’s winning the battle but not the war though: Won’t she have to, at some point, open her fertile field to seed-sowing and produce a baby? Listen to Isabel, Love.

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Love and Wilkin are growing closer. After he did something horrible so Milus would ask Love to move his imprisoned friends from their hole into a life of servitude (more on that later), Wilkin found himself in the chapel with Love. He made the endearing mistake of referring to her as “my love,” which they both handled gracefully: she assured him that she wasn’t offended; he vowed to be more careful. Afraid he’d pull away, she told him she so enjoys his company that she doesn’t want them to grow apart. First they held forearms, then they hugged. It was such a sweet, pure moment: for a second, they were just two people allowing themselves to be vulnerable and take comfort in the steadying embrace of someone they feel is like-minded at their core. She seemed like a young woman, relieved to have a strong, sensible man shield her; he was a weight-carrying young man, relieved to have a soft but solid place to land.

Related: ‘TBX’ Recap: Crying Fowl

The problem: Jessamy had arrived to bring Wilkin lunch, and Toran, who witnessed the hug and has grown weary of Wilkin’s relationship with the nobles, told her exactly where to find him (”enjoying his devotion”). A jealous Jessamy seems like a dangerous proposition. Will she hurt Lucca to keep Wilkin’s attention? Or, will Jessamy pressure Wilkin into proving his devotion to her by sleeping with her? Let’s say that’s the case: Jessamy gets pregnant, and THAT’S the baby that Love will pass off as her own — the baby that Love and Wilkin saw being born in their shared vision in the premiere. Yes?

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Milus needs a hug, too: Yes, Milus is a snake at times, but he’s our snake, so Gaveston has become the most hated man on the show. Milus sent the twins to Gaveston’s chamber to loosen his tongue, which they told Gaveston right away. Was he upset? No, he jumped into bed with them laughing. They, in turn, told Milus that the only thing Gaveston spoke of was him. So cue Milus and Gaveston having a lovely conversation over mead in which Gaveston tried to get Milus to turn on Love and Milus tried to find out why Gaveston was so interested in the hiding spot that was coastal Ventrishire. Gaveston had the line of the episode — “My tongue seems to loosen when my c–k rests in a handsome mouth” — and he pulled down his pants and said it would be more pleasurable if Milus was on his knees. But before Milus touched him with that handsome mouth, Gaveston pushed his face away.

“Do you honestly think I would let dirt-born lips touch a rod that knows only the oils of beautiful things?” Gaveston asked. (Oils? That accent is thick.) Worse: “I’m sure there is a s–t-scraper in need of a suckling,” he added. We all hate the terrible things Milus does in the name of power, but it’s painful to watch someone like Gaveston make him feel like nothing. So in this battle, we’re Team Milus… even though Milus went back to his room and stomped Frenchie to we-hope-not-death to make himself feel better.

Related: ‘TBX’ Postmortem: Director/EP Paris Barclay’s Deep Dive Into Episode 3

Hopefully we’ll see Gaveston again, if only to hear him say the word “peasant.” But also, don’t the twins — who are his half-sisters! — need to die at Milus’s hand, in front of Gaveston, when Milus finally learns their identity. Were they sent there to be Gaveston’s spies, or because Gaveston eventually wanted to join them there so he could be intimate with his half-sisters and no one would know it’s incest?

Lady Pryce is dead: So back to Milus’s latest (ab)use of Wilkin’s skills. Milus asked Wilkin and Toran to destroy an ancient Bible or scroll that Pryce was allegedly going to give King Edward to influence him to turn Ventrishire back over to him. Cut to Wilkin hearing screams from inside the carriage they’d set on fire: Lady Pryce was in there, and Wilkin was too late to save her. Wilkin’s anger and guilt led to an extremely long fist-fight with Milus, who again insisted this is who they are. This episode, Wilkin’s vision of Petra was one of her leading him to the sea, and her falling into a hole and clawing her way out as Lady Pryce. Does he deserve to die? Is that what he’s thinking?

Related: ‘TBX’ Premiere Postmortem: Stephen Moyer Talks Milus’s Sexuality, Power, and Plans

Annora seemed nice: This was the least confusing Annora’s ever been! She appeared to genuinely comfort Love (God holds her closer than she’d ever know, she’d told her). And yet, we remember how kind she was to Petra in the premiere…

The Bastard Executioner airs Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on FX.