‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Blood, Threats, and Tears

Warning: This recap of the June 7 episode of The Bachelorette contains spoilers.

Welcome back to part two of this week’s “journey,” rose lovers! The action picks up right where we left off, with Chad striding shirtless into the living room to “explain” why the other guys have “Issues” with him. “I’m not here to start anything with any of you guys,” he mumbles. Turning to Evan, he continues: “We’ve settled things, you know?”

But the ED specialist has been bitten by the not-backing-down bug and he isn’t about to hear what Chad’s saying. “Chad, you owe me a new shirt and an apology!” he says, with a touch of whine in his voice. Meathead offers $20 for the former and a big fat No Effin Way for the latter; he continues to maintain that he only ripped Evan’s shirt because Evan tried to push him. (You know when you tell a lie so many times you begin to believe it’s real? Yeah, that.)

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 4

Wells, perhaps feeling protected by the couch and row of guys between him and Chad, pipes up to say NO ONE wants Chad in the house, because his rage energy is making everyone “uneasy.” Much to Evan’s chagrin, the rest of the guys seem eager to end this very awkward standoff, so they settle on a vague “nobody be a violent d-bag” policy and file out of the room.

With the sound of Evan’s soul-screams still reverberating off the walls, JoJo pulls up in her convertible and announces to the guys that it’s time “to get this party started!” Shirts are doffed, shots are poured, sunscreen is haphazardly applied, and before long the silliness is in full effect. James F., dressed in a suit and tie, does a cannonball into the pool… perhaps in an effort to remind the Bachelorette who he is. A synchronized diving stunt goes awry when Evan rises out of the water with blood all over his face — but it appears to be the result of a nosebleed, not because Chad beat him senseless as the promos led us to believe. Honestly, poor Evan couldn’t be more of a sad sack if he tried, huh?

While the ED specialist holes up in the bathroom to shove Kleenex up his nose, JoJo and Jordan sneak away for some kiss-n-cuddle time. “I’m not sure if Jordan’s actually into me the way that I’m into him,” confesses the Bachelorette. Not sure how she could miss it, given that all they do is make out… but I guess JoJo still needs some reassurance. Jordan insists that his feelings are “not an act,” and then they make out.

The “former pro quarterback” is not the only one professing his sort-love: Robby also tells JoJo that he’s developing feelings “a lot faster than I thought it would” (and they also make out). You’d think the first thing Chad would do, meanwhile, would be apologize to JoJo for his d-baggery on the group date, but instead he greets her with a “‘Sup, girl?’” grunt — and then kind of tries to blame the kerfuffle on her. “My whole thing was like, if you had any interest in Evan, like, then what am I doing here?” he explains. “Imagine me trying to figure out what restaurant you want to eat at, you know what I mean?” (Editor’s note: No, we don’t.) “Like, do you want ice cream or do you want steak?”

Before JoJo can respond to this lunkhead logic, up walks Evan. Really, dude? Maybe Chad does have a point when he says you follow him around. Maybe next time interrupt JoJo’s chat with a guy who doesn’t want to pound your spine into a paste. To absolutely no one’s surprise, this makes Chad angry, and he starts stomping around the house grumbling that all the guys are making him seem “crazy” by telling JoJo what a d**k he is. And to be fair, all the guys are using at least part of their time with the Bachelorette to badmouth Chad — including Derek, who breaks the news to her that production hired security guards to protect them from Captain Roid Rage’s wrath.

Of course, Chad overhears this conversation, and of course he decides that of his two options — “being chill” or “gotta take it to the limit” — the more confrontational one is the way to go. And just as JoJo denied Chad a kiss on stage last week, Chad denies Derek a friendly handshake at the start of their conversation.

And thus ends the polite portion of their chat. Chad kids things off by telling Derek it’s not his fault if hot guys like him stole his girlfriends in the past, and Derek fires back about Chad’s “misogynistic comments” and single-minded to be on-camera. It ends without them coming to blows (yay or boo? can’t decide) and then at last it’s time for Monday night’s rose ceremony.

Robot roll call: Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F., Vinny, Daniel (??), Tiny Marine, and…CHAD. And all of God’s children say uggghhh. Evan most of all.

Which means we lose Christian, Ali, and Saint Nick — but I think we might see the latter in Paradise. (And I still think Mike Fleiss should consider Christian for Bachelor. That bathtub stunt wasn’t that bad, right?)

Okay, pack your bags, boys! It’s time to head to… Nemacolin, Pennsylvania? Uh, sure. JoJo hopes that the change of scenery — to Nemacolin Woodlands Resort — will help everyone “leave all that drama behind.” Oh gurl, what fun would that be?

Luke gets the first one-on-one date, which starts with a dogsled ride (cruel or okay? Discuss). But before they can settle in at their destination — a wood-fire heated hot tub — Luke the manly man in skinny jeans needs to chop them up some firewood. Unfortunately, he does his job a little too well.

Back at the hotel, Chad’s hanging around by himself and talking about how dangerous he is — but only when provoked, mind you.

And it looks like the Provocation Fairy has just delivered a perfect situation: The group date card arrives, and the only two names not on it are Tiny Marine and Chad. Could it be? Two-on-one date! Let the trash talking begin. “That fool’s goin’ home!” declares Tiny Marine, pointing at Chad. “It’s good versus evil — I got this.”

Over dinner, Luke and JoJo continue their getting-to-know-you chat, with Luke talking about his past in the military and how it taught him the “value of life” — especially after one of his close friends was killed in action. Though it took time for Luke to “get connected with my emotions again” after leaving the military, he’s now all about the moments in life that “make the hair stand up on the back of your neck.” Like this one:

He gets the rose… and a surprise concert by Dan + Shay in front of hundreds of admiring smartphones.

Group date! JoJo brings the guys to Heinz Field, where a well-known quarterback named Ben Roethlisberger is there to greet them. He’s joined by two other football players who claim to be familiar with The Bachelorette, thanks to their wives. Ben wants to know who JoJo is feeling right now, so as they guys get their butts kicked in football drills she gives him the lowdown: Chase “shot up to the front” after their one-on-one date; James T. is “the nicest man I’ve ever met in my entire life” (kiss of death!); Jordan has “nice hair.”

All of the guys are working way too hard to impress JoJo — and measure up to Jordan — and the aggression level gets dangerously high very fast. Both James’ noggins collide with a sickening BONK, and only one of their craniums escapes unscathed.

Though the medic tells James T. he needs stitches, he shakes them off and heads to the locker room to suit up for the game. It’s blue vs. white to the death — or, more accurately, to the post-game cocktail party. Jordan, though, gets to play for both teams. [Pause for giggles]

Evan, delicate flower that he is, gets yet another nosebleed after catching a difficult pass — and JoJo thinks its HILARIOUS.

In the end, Team Blue wins after Derek rips the ball out of Wells’ hands and runs all the way down the field to the end zone. That means Grant, James F., Wells, Chase, and Daniel must head back to the homestead as losers, while James T., Derek, Evan, Robby, Jordan, and Vinny get to spend more time with JoJo. Robby kicks off the party by getting a little kinky with JoJo — he places her on a pool table, clears away the balls behind her, and then starts consuming her face. And she LOVES it. “He’s a man,” she coos. “He makes me feel sexy.”

Jordan, on the other hand, still makes JoJo feel confused. “You’re just so hard to read,” she tells him. Well honey, whine and ye shall receive. Jordan takes her outside and says the magic words: “I feel like I’m falling for you, and I can see somebody that I can fall in love with.” Do I even need to tell you that Jordan gets the rose? Nah, you knew that.

When the two-on-one date finally arrives at the house, Luke — at the producers’ urging, no doubt — tries to get Chad to discuss his feelings about the situation, and what he thinks JoJo needs to know about him. After he grunts a few monosyllabic responses, Grant mutters, “Another two-word answer. Cool.” In about 13 seconds, this escalates to Chad challenging pretty much anyone who opens his mouth to a fight.

Thankfully, he storms off before any blood is spilled. The next day, Chad and Tiny Marine pack their suitcases and are about to head out for battle when Chad decides to pick another fight, this time with Jordan.

FFS Team Bachelorette can we just get this guy out of here? The guys sit in silence for about 25 seconds before Chad and Tiny Marine’s ride — a helicopter, natch — arrives. It drops them in “the middle of nowhere” with JoJo, where they proceed to hike through the woods and hack away at random logs. (Amazingly, Team Bachelorette let Chad have the machete while all they gave Tiny Marine was a Tiny Axe.) They stop and sit down by the river, but the vibe is so tense and awkward that JoJo can’t bear it for long: “Alex, you wanna come talk to me for a minute?” Oh honey, does he ever.

Tiny Marine does exactly what everyone at home hopes he will — he tells JoJo that “right before this date, he literally was telling Jordan that he is going to find him after this show and go beat his ass” — but will it be enough? After all, JoJo kept this guy around after his group date meltdown — which she witnessed with her own eyes — so will yet another second-hand report about his assholery push her to make the right choice? Let’s listen in…

“Last week I told you, I said that I didn’t want any more drama and that I needed you to just be cool with these guys,” says JoJo. “And I just talked to Alex and he told me some things that I’m a little confused by. He’s telling me that you have made numerous threats to people, that you threatened to find Jordan after this and beat his ass…”

To Chad’s minor credit, he doesn’t deny it — but to his great detriment, he continues to spin the same “they started it” argument he’s been using all along. “I haven’t touched anybody since [the group date],” he protests, to which JoJo snaps back, “Yeah, but you’ve threatened to beat people.” She walks off saying she needs to think. “His mom passed away six months ago,” she tells the camera tearfully. “Maybe he’s just struggling. I don’t know what to do.” REALLY, honey?

While JoJo cries over her confusion, Chad stalks back to the blanket where Tiny Marine has been waiting. “I’m not very happy with you,” Chad drones. “It’s just unfortunate that I can’t hurt you right now without getting in trouble.” They trade more barbs, yadda yadda yadda, and then the confrontation ends with this cryptic exchange:

Tiny Marine: “The hay is in the barn, dude.”

Chad: “The pigs are in the castle.”

Loosely translated, I think this means:

Tiny Marine: “I’ve done everything I can do to warn JoJo that you’re a lunatic.”

Chad: “I play a LOT of Angry Birds.”

At last the Bachelorette returns, and it seems she is actually considering giving Chad a third chance. “Have you threatened anyone in the house?” she asks him, point blank. He hems, he haws, he eventually semi-admits it: “I may have said something that I should have said, but like, you backed me into a corner and I had no other option.” Neither does JoJo.

And now for the moment we all love so dearly: The bearded Suitcase Ninja arrives to remove the loser’s bag from the hotel.

He takes a dramatic pause before dragging Chad’s bag away. And there was much rejoicing.

And though standard Bachelor/Bachelorette two-on-one date protocol is to abandon the loser in the middle of nowhere to starve to death, for some reason Team Bachelorette lets Chad hitch a ride back to the hotel. (Though they try to make it look as though he walked all the way there through the woods.) He knocks on the door of the guys’ cabin — and then drags his fingers slowly, creepily down the glass.

What the what? Two weeks? But the promo shows so much crying and JoJo sobbing something about letting the guys know “the truth”! How are we supposed to live our lives with these unanswered questions? Somehow, rose lovers, we’ll have to soldier on. In the meantime, let me know what you thought about tonight’s harrowing installment in the comments below. Does JoJo even like Tiny Marine or was she just picking the lesser of two evils? (Though I suppose she could have sent them both home.) Do you think Jordan is hard to read? And how long before Chad actually beats a man to death? Be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog here, too. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to do some soul searching… I think Daniel’s growing on me a little, and that is very upsetting.

The Bachelorette returns Monday, June 20 at 8 p.m. on ABC.