‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Rumor Has It

Warning: This recap contains spoilers for the June 20 episode of The Bachelorette.

Welcome back, rose lovers! Now, is somebody going to let Chad in? He’s been standing out there for two weeks.

Nope — looks like the Chad Bear is gonna have to wait a little longer to come in from the cold. First, we must attend the Ceremonial Scattering of the Leftover Protein Powder. Wells, will you please do the honors?

“See ya never ever, ever, ever, ever again!” declares Robby, just a moment too soon… because Chad is at the door. Daniel lets him in (of course it would be him), and begins nonchalantly grilling him about the two-on-one date… as if he and the rest of the guys in the house don’t already know that JoJo kicked Chad to the curb. All of the guys gather awkwardly in the entrance hall and reluctantly listen as Chad tells his side of the story. “I guess she thinks that I’m too intense, or something,” mumbles the meathead, adding that it’s JoJo’s problem if she doesn’t understand that “sometimes you have to do things that aren’t pretty.”

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 5

Jordan knows that Team Bachelorette wants the guys to take this opportunity to mend fences with Chad — or die trying — so he gallantly takes the lead in that effort.

To no one’s surprise, this doesn’t go over well with the ol’ Chad Bear. “Looking back, I would still say the same damn things,” he growls. “You all put me in a position where I had to say things that I wouldn’t normally say.” When Jordan protests, Chad responds by telling him he doesn’t have “half a brain.”

Dude, no physical please! To Jordan’s credit, he does not smash his drink in Chad’s face; instead he shakes his hand, tells him it was “interesting” getting to know him, and gradually extricates himself from the situation. And finally it’s all over! God what a relief… Wait, Evan, what are you doing? Why are you asking Chad if he has his wallet on him? You can’t possibly still think he’s going to pay you for that torn t-shirt, right? Right? Wrong. He’s worse than the “I want my two dollars” kid.

Though allowing Chad to punch Evan in the face would be an acceptable response, the guys instead coax the ED specialist to walk away. “Have fun going home,” Jordan calls over his shoulder. Yes, fare thee well, Chad! We’ll see you in Paradise, you gigantic douche-wad.

Meanwhile, JoJo’s one-on-one time with Tiny Marine after Chad left was so exciting, Team Bachelorette decided to show us exactly none of it.

At least there’s a welcome home party waiting for Alex back at the hotel, where the guys hoist their tiny pal onto their shoulders, and then smash a cake (baked by the Bachelor Interns?) in his face good-naturedly. Ah, if only this spirit of camaraderie could last… Who am I kidding? No one wants that. Bring on the alternate sources of “negative energy”!

The cocktail party starts off pleasantly enough, with Chase and JoJo playing around with those “knockerballs” from the NFL date.

But then Robby smooches the Bachelorette in full view of the rest of the guys, and everybody starts to get real antsy. And you know what that means: It’s time for one of the guys to bust out some amateur poetry.

JoJo hasn’t even finished wiping away her obligatory tear when up rolls Tiny Marine, looking to snare some more time with the Bachelorette. “I think the gentleman’s agreement has gone out the window at this point,” sighs James F. Dude, the first rule of The Bachelorette is there are no rules on The Bachelorette! Why do you think Luke, who already has a rose, is over there now professing his possible-love to JoJo?

Yes, things are getting more “cutthroat,” says Evan, who for some reason can’t seem to find an opening to talk to JoJo — even as guys like Luke go in for “seconds.” (Yeah, that sounds gross.) You snooze, you lose, pal! Just ask Jordan, who’s currently dry humping JoJo right on the other side of that wall!

And with that — Clink clink clink! — Chris Harrison arrives with his Butter Knife of Bad News. The time for talk is over. Let the rose ceremony begin! Robot roll call: Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny, James T., and Evan join Tiny Marine, Luke, and Jordan in the circle of safety. That means we must say farewell to James F. the poet, and drunk Daniel the once-naked Canadian. “She’s obviously going for personality,” laments Daniel. “And obviously, my personality is s***.” On the contrary, sir — your personality is entertainingly awful. I think I speak for all of Bachelor Nation when I say, we hope to see you in Paradise.

Anyhow, pack your bags, boys! You’re going [pause while JoJo reads description written by tourist board off cue card] “to where South America’s most elite go to play,” Punta del Este, Uruguay! I don’t know about the other guys, but Vinny’s sure excited.

Yep, JoJo sure is gonna make someone a fine first wife.

Day dawns on Punta del Este, and after the obligatory tour of the accommodations (the Grand Hotel, in case you’re planning your next vacation), it’s time to get down to date card business: “Jordan, let’s seal the date. Love, JoJo.” That’s right — the Golden Boy (Former) Quarterback is getting even more time with JoJo, and the rest of the guys can’t contain their self-loathing.

Suddenly everyone is badmouthing Jordan. “Like, I think Jordan’s, like, playing the game to get another stamp on his passport,” grumbles Wells. Adds Derek, “I don’t trust the guy.” Bringing up the rear is Vinny: “You can just see by his demeanor, he is not here for the Right Reasons™.”

As JoJo and Jordan head to the Isla of Lobos to swim with the seals, the guys sit around the hotel room reading Bachelorette gossip from copies of InTouch Magazine that just happen to be lying around the hotel. “JoJo Reunites With Ex, and Then Dumps Him for ‘The Bachelorette,’” reads Derek. “'Jilted Ex-Boyfriend Tells All!’” Dedicated viewers might remember said “jilted ex-boyfriend,” Other Chad, from The Bachelor, when he attempted to sabotage JoJo’s hometown date with Ben by sending her a dozen roses and a “please take me back” love letter.

Naturally, all of the guys begin shame-spiraling — What if it’s JoJo who’s not here for the Right Reasons™??? “Everyone’s speculating over JoJo’s genuine reason [for] why she’s the Bachelorette,” explains Tiny Marine. “If it’s true, no one’s gonna think that she’s really here for love.”

Yeah, well rumor and speculation can go both ways, boys. Back on her date, JoJo reveals that she, too, has some doubts: “I met a girl who used to date Jordan,” she tells us. “And I was told that he wasn’t the best boyfriend… I want to know whether or not that rumor’s true.” And so she asks him.

Survey says… pretty much. “I was focused on one thing in my life: being the best football player I could be,” explains Jordan. “And when I wasn’t, it was tough. I took it out on people.” I’ll admit that’s a fairly mature answer for a dude who wears so much hair product. Jordan insists there was no cheating (though he closes his eyes when he says it), adding, “I have nothing to hide.” Is JoJo convinced? You tell me:

So Jordan keeps working at it, quoting his childhood pastor — “Don’t say you love somebody unless you are willing to put a ring on their finger” — and adding, “I know where my faults are, where they were. I know what kind of man I am now, and I know I’m not a cheater.” To me that sounds like, “I used to be a cheater but now I’m not,” but hey, I’m not the one who matters here. JoJo, has Jordan put your fears to rest? Of course he has! But now JoJo’s afraid Jordan is mad at her for daring to suggest that she doesn’t want a husband who cheats.

After she and Jordan go their separate ways, JoJo goes back to the hotel and gushing to a producer about how great their date was: “I just feel so happy! I don’t think anything could take away this feeling.” Think again, toots. “I want to show this to you,” mumbles the producer, handing her a copy of the aforementioned InTouch Magazine.

Told that her “guys” have seen the magazine, JoJo bursts into tears and begins railing against Other Chad. “He can’t let someone be happy!” she wails. “If he’s not happy, he wants to take everyone down with him.” As distraught as she is, though, JoJo doesn’t want to waste any time clearing things up with the guys — so she swaddles herself in a floor-length sweater and takes the elevator up to their room.

The guys are quick to accept the Bachelorette’s tearful apology, because… well, because she’s crying, and guys hate that. On to the group date!

While Robby and Jordan enjoy a day at the spa…

… Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, and Alex meet JoJo on the top of a sand dune. Apparently “sandboarding” is a thing, and that’s what they’re doing.

The “fun” is cut short by the rain, so Team Bachelorette moves the action right along to the post-date cocktail party. One by one, the guys tell JoJo that they don’t believe Other Chad or what he said in InTouch Magazine, but when it comes to Derek’s turn, he’s got something else on his mind: Baby, baby, where did our love go? As you may remember, Derek got the first one-on-one date, and now, 14 years later, he’s starting to feel like his connection to JoJo is slipping away. But after a quick “hang in there” chat and some smooches and cuddles, everything’s all right again. “I feel like you’re back!” declares the Bachelorette. “I feel like Derek is back!”

Not if Tiny Marine has anything to say about it! Alex, who thinks JoJo deserves someone more “secure” than Derek, gives the Bachelorette the hard sell for the date rose during his one-on-one time. “I could see myself falling in love with you,” he says. “I’m willing to be vulnerable.” Sorry, soldier, but I’m afraid you’ve fallen short (heh heh). JoJo gives the date rose to someone who needs, in her words, “reassurance” — Derek, of course. This makes Tiny Marine so angry, his hair steps out of formation.

The next day, Robby meets JoJo at Playa Brava for their one-on-one date. It’s another cloudy day, but they make the most of it by exploring the beachside town and enjoying some huge, delicious-looking sandwich. And kissing. Of course there’s kissing. Everything’s going fine until this happens:

Come on, Robby — that’s not how this works, man! There are still 11 guys left, which means you’re only allowed to be “falling for” or even “falling in love with” JoJo. Loving her at this point is not an option — you’ve gotta wait at least until episode 7 or 8. That said, you think Team Bachelorette is going to pass up a visual metaphor this good?

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Tiny Marine is razzing Derek for needing “reassurance” from JoJo. “That specific word can maybe make me appear weak,” replies Derek. “I think that’s what you’re trying to say.” Yes, yes it is.

Man, that little Marine is revealing himself to be quite an insufferable bully, huh? I can see why Chad wanted to clock him.

Over dinner, Robby tells JoJo he’s a “very emotional person,” like his mom, and then proceeds to share a very sad story about his childhood friend, who died in a car accident after texting while driving. (Side note: Distracted driving ruins lives. Don’t do it.) Losing his friend reminded Robby that life is too short to be unhappy, so he quit his job, broke up with his girlfriend, and moved to a new city. “Tomorrow may not be here,” Robby explains. “Life’s short. I feel like if I were to hide something from you, I’d be lying to you.”

You know what’s coming, rose lovers.

And she LOVES it. “I can’t tell you how much that just meant to me,” breathes JoJo, reaching for the date rose. “[It] makes my heart so happy.” Cue the actual fireworks!

At last, the final cocktail party of the week is upon us. The mood is tense as the guys trudge through the rain to the bar, and Derek thinks it’s time to “slough off” the negativity from the “mean girls” — meaning Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan. So he pulls them aside and tells them they’re acting like a “high school clique.” Jordan literally laughs off this accusation, and informs Derek that he’s being “petty,” while Tiny Marine scoffs that Derek is being too “sensitive.” Hmmm… isn’t that what Chad used to say about the guys? And thus we witness a fundamental tenet of reality TV at work: When one villain leaves, another one (or more) will step up to fill the void.

With nothing accomplished, the guys head back into the sitting area to wait for the Bachelorette… but she never arrives. Instead in walks Harrison with the news that JoJo feels like she’s had “great quality time” with all of them so she sees no need for a cocktail party. In other words…

And the bad news doesn’t stop there. “Three of you will be going home tonight,” intones Harrison gravely. This is a terrible blow for Alex, Chase, James, and all the other guys who don’t have roses. But they’re just gonna have to put on their big-boy undies and deal with it, because here comes JoJo in an emerald green gown with a leg-slit that means business. Robot roll call: Luke, Chase, Tiny Marine, James, and Wells join Robby, Jordan and Derek in the Rose Club, meaning it’s time to say goodbye to Evan, Vinny and Grant.

To Evan’s credit, he manages to keep all the blood in his head while saying goodbye to JoJo, even through his tears. “I’m really, really sad.” Grant and Vinny cry a little too; the former says he’s “hurt” and “so confused,” and the latter bemoaning the loss of a woman who “made me a happy person.” Awww, I hate seeing the barber cry! Whaddya say, Mike Fleiss — can Vinny get a ticket to Paradise? He seems like a fun guy to have around.

So, rose lovers, we’ve completed another leg of JoJo’s “journey.” Next week it’s off to Buenos Aires, but for now, I want to hear your thoughts on what just went down. Were you hoping Chad would punch someone? Is Jordan a nice guy or a Mean Girl in a (former) football player’s body? And honestly, what is Tiny Marine’s problem? Post your thoughts below! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to email Luke and see if he wants to go bra shopping with me. (Yes, I know it’s all muscle.)

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC