‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: A (Pity) Rose is A Rose

Warning: This recap of the June 27 episode of The Bachelorette contains spoilers.

¡Bienvenidos a Argentina, rose lovers! And for a special treat, we get a little Harrison/JoJo chat at the top of the hour. JoJo lets him know that she’s worried she might fall in love with two people — oh, the irony!

Aw, I’m just joshin’. Harrison still has some important news to convey to the guys before he heads out for some sightseeing: There’s going to be a second two-on-one date this week! God is good, rose lovers.

“I’ll tell you what,” announces one of the guys (Tiny Marine? Chase?). “Two-on-ones are no mas. No good.” Given that “no mas” means “no more,” I think this poor dude was trying to say “no mas with the two-on-ones,” but hey, at least he’s trying to be bilingual. A for effort, pal.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 6

After settling in their “fancy,” “five-star” hotel, Robby reads the date card: “Wells, bésame, bésame muchacho.” WELLS IS GETTING THE ONE-ON-ONE DATE! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! “I’m the one guy here who hasn’t kissed her,” announces the lanky DJ, and the guys can barely contain their gleeful disdain.

Marvels Tiny Marine, “It blows my mind that JoJo had to write a date card essentially telling him that ‘Today’s the day that you’re going to finally kiss me.’” That’s ridiculous, dude — there’s no way JoJo writes those date cards. The guys continue to razz Wells — “Don’t forget your Chapstick!” — and then when the Bachelorette arrives to pick him up, Luke kicks the humiliation up another notch.

And JoJo does NOT love it. “Mmmm, that’s funny… isn’t it,” she replies, and then grabs Wells and beats a hasty retreat out of the hotel. As the “he’s a doofus” music plays quietly in the background, we watch Wells and JoJo browse the stalls at an open air market — and all the while, the guys are reminding us how awkward the whole date will be if Wells doesn’t get that kiss out of the way fast. “She knows that he’s supposed to kiss her, and he knows that she knows that he’s supposed to kiss her, and he knows that he’s supposed to kiss her,” explains James helpfully.

It’s true, the build up is pretty painful. First we watch Wells miss a few key opportunities to plant one on JoJo…

And…

…the performance of Fuerza Bruta, an elevated acrobatics display that’s “very romantic and sexy,” begins. That said, it’s a bit too sexy for Wells’ liking: Just when he thinks it’s time to smooch the Bachelorette, “two girls wearing almost nothing” start swimming in the suspended pool above them, and he finds the situation just too “weird” to be romantic.

Fortunately a nice man named Fabio, the artistic director of Fuerza Bruta, arrives to put Wells out of his misery. He informs them that they’ll be learning how to perform some parts of the show, including the “running on a treadmill until you’re fake-shot” scene. Unfortunately THAT’S the moment Wells decides that it’s time to go in for the kiss. And my God, is this kid a disaster. First he completely misses JoJo’s attempted high five/hand grab, so he tries to, like, pat her face or something?

And then he leans in for… a peck on the cheek?

Wells keeps telling Team Bachelorette that he’s looking for the “right time” to kiss JoJo, and that he wants it to be a “once-in-a-lifetime kiss.” Sir, if you wait any longer, it will be. Finally — finally! — he makes his move.

And she LOVES it. “That was the moment, Wells!” she cries, congratulating him like he’s a toddler who just peed in the potty for the first time. “We did it!”

But will it be enough to keep him around? Over dinner, Wells tells JoJo that he’s been “struggling” with the fact that they’re such “different people,” but now he’s open to broadening his definition of who his “perfect” woman might be. He begins to sweat profusely when the Bachelorette asks him about his last relationship (“It’s hot in here,” she says reassuringly), but eventually manages to explain that he and his girlfriend broke up when they realized they were just “best friends living together” and the romance was gone. And once JoJo hears the skepticism in Wells’s voice when she talks about wanting a “fairy-tale love,” JoJo knows what she has to do. “I need to decide if I’m willing to keep trying to break through that wall with Wells,” she admits. But “there’s no time left.”

Ever the sweetheart, a tearful Wells hugs it out with JoJo. “You deserve to find true love,” he says. “And I hope you find it.”

Okay, Argentinian Suitcase Ninja, let’s just get this over with.

A melancholy Bachelorette strolls back into the Fuerza Bruta auditorium by herself, and stands amidst the cheering crowd in a circle of loneliness.

The next day, JoJo has her game face back on as she greets Luke, Robby, Jordan, James and Alex for the group date. They stroll around the La Boca district, sampling mate, learning to tango, and barging in on a local game of soccer. All of them except James, that is — he’s currently participating in his own very lonely shame spiral. “I really feel like I snuck on to a set that I’m not supposed to be on,” he laments, looking at the chiseled hunks of man-meat he’s competing with. “I’m not gonna blow anybody away with my looks or my abs, right?” Man, somebody sure did a number on this guy. (Maybe someone should show him that ABC After School Special about emotional abuse, Terrible Things My Mother Told Me.)

Somehow, though, James T. summons up the gumption to score a penalty shot against a local goalie, and for that he’s rewarded with a kiss. “I am on a quick train,” gushes James. “And it’s headin’ to I Love JoJo-Ville.” That’s wonderful, buddy, but then why for the love of all that’s holy are you using your one-on-one time with JoJo to trash talk other dudes? And it’s such weak trash talk, too — James says Jordan was mean to him once when they were playing cards. Oh, and he’s “entitled.” Dude, have you never met another millennial before? Tell us something we don’t know. Anyhow, JoJo says she appreciates the intel (“he’s being protective of me”), and they share a lengthy smooch.

Side note, did we really need to watch Luke and JoJo make out for 51 seconds, Team Bachelorette? (Yes, I timed it.) Honestly, we get the point after 10, thanks.

Unfortunately for James, though, JoJo takes the aforementioned intel straight to Jordan himself. “It was brought to my attention that there was an altercation with you and James,” she says, going on to add that she believes James is a “genuine soul” and “I believe everything that he’s saying.” Jordan, smiling tightly through his testosterone rage, explains the situation thusly: He and James disagreed on the proper rules for kicker cards in poker. The end. “I’m not entitled,” he says curtly. “I’d hope that you’d know that by now.” They stare at each other for awhile, and then a grumpy Jordan heads back to the sitting room with the rest of the guys.

“Jordan, you’re acting weird, bro,” says James, breaking the silence. “What’s up?” Well James, it seems Jordan is angry that you told JoJo that he was entitled and snobby. “How does one act entitled when stating that the rules of a game are such?” he asks James icily. “How does my character get called into question when I am playing a poker game?” James doesn’t have much to say in return; he mumbles “whatever” a few times and then goes back to biting his fingernails. As for the date rose? It goes to Luke. A word to the wise, James: Next time, more kissy, less talky.

And now, rose lovers, it’s time for the main event: The two-on-one date between Chase and Derek. Chase, who says Derek’s confidence going into the date “irritated the sh** out of” him, seems offended that JoJo chose him for this ritualized humiliation — but he’s determined to be “vulnerable” on the date. JoJo brings her boys to a dance school, where a sexy Argentinian lady attempts to teach the three of them how to do a three-person tango (and no, that’s not a euphemism). The tango requires “passion” and “trust” — just like a relationship, you guys — and with each partner switch, JoJo must measure which guy makes her feel more. From the outside, though, it seems like Derek’s got the edge.

Even Chase can see it. “I think she’s feeling that passion, that connection with Derek,” he laments. “The more I sit here and think about it… ugh! It’s driving me nuts.” You better chill out, pal, or you’re going to overthink your way straight into the Reject Van. Because right now, Derek’s over on the couch confessing his burgeoning feelings to the Bachelorette: “I’m absolutely falling for you. And I felt that all day today.” Though her response is less than romantic (“I appreciate that!”) she still makes out with him as a thank-you.

Okay Chase, you’re up! Get ready to bring it with all of your “feelings” and “emotions.” He starts by telling JoJo how “scary” the two-on-one situation is — but what he doesn’t know is that it’s about to get scarier. “I told you this last week, how special you make me feel,” says JoJo. “And I’ll be honest, but I didn’t feel like you gave me much back.” Chase is very taken aback.

Even as JoJo hands him the answer — she wants “words of affirmation” — Chase seems unable to provide them. “How am I supposed to feel so strong about making that leap,” he asks her, “when hurt could be there?” The Bachelorette assures him that the most valuable lesson she learned from The Bachelor was she should have spouted her feelings for Ben earlier. “I waited to the very last second,” she admits. “I wish more than anything that I would have started [talking about it] right when I started to feel it.” So, Chase, let’s try this again. Words of affirmation. Go! “It’s incredible how fast and how soon I have actually started to feel those things for you,” he begins. “And how much I want my future to involve you.”

And she LOVES it. “Those are the things that I want to hear,” JoJo murmurs, leaning in for a kiss. Uh-oh, Derek! Looks like Chase isn’t gonna just lay down and die so you can have the date rose. I don’t know about you, rose lovers, but I am feeling something remarkably close to suspense here — who is JoJo going to choose?

Chase pulls off the upset! Derek is stunned, but he handles it like a gentleman. “Go find your forever,” he mumbles into JoJo’s hair during their goodbye hug. Once in the back of the Reject Van, Derek sums up the problem.

Sure you are, son — but aren’t we all? Nothing like a reality show, though, to bring all your fault stark relief. Oh hey look, Soledad Pastorutti is giving a private performance for JoJo and Chase — though her rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” makes the perfect soundtrack to Derek’s tearful van ride. (Truly evil and brilliant, Team Bachelorette. Bravo.)

Heading into the cocktail party, Robby, Tiny Marine, James, and Jordan are the ones at risk, and JoJo insists that she doesn’t know what she’s going to do. Here’s something you can do, honey — put Jordan’s stray hair back in its place. It’s very distracting.

“I want to be in love and engaged at the end of this,” Jordan tells her. “And I think we can get there.” Boy howdy, was that the right thing to say. “You’re talking about your feelings!” cries JoJo gleefully. “This is different.”

Meanwhile, Alex is feeling nervous because he’s the only guy left who hasn’t had a one-on-one date. “I’m kind of twiddling my thumbs waiting for that chance,” he sighs. Naturally he shares these concerns with JoJo, and admits that he was upset he didn’t get the group date rose. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re behind,” she replies, before allowing him to kiss her. Not a ton of chemistry with these two, right? Speaking of which, James comes right out and tells JoJo that he’s well on the way to loving her. “She like, kissed me kissed me,” he reports to Team Bachelorette giddily. “It was the most passionate [kiss] by far that we’ve had.” Should we tell him that she kisses all the guys that way? Nah, let’s let him have this moment.

You know what that means, boys and girls. It’s time to put someone on a plane back to the United States of Rejection. JoJo says she’s still “confused” about what to do, but she takes her place at the Rose Podium and begins calling names: Robby, Jordan, and…

Rather than handing out the last rose, JoJo mutters, “Sorry” and ducks out of the room and heads outside. “What just happened?” Harrison asks her in an intense whisper. JoJo’s response is to the point: “I don’t want to give this rose out.” Good for you, mama! You separate that wheat from the chaff!

She hands the rose to Harrison and bravely makes her way back inside to deliver the news to James and Alex: “I just couldn’t hand out that final rose.” Man, how sad is James T.’s face right now?

Wait… what’s this? Harrison’s coming back in with a tray… a tray carrying… two more roses! And just like the brat he his, Tiny Marine looks more annoyed that James T. is staying than happy that he’s getting a rose himself.

Anyhow, Alex and James get roses, and everyone is relieved — except Tiny Marine. He’s just pissed. “We both essentially got Pity Roses in my book,” he gripes. “I want to feel wanted.” Simmer down, soldier. By the looks of the promos, you’ll get your precious one-on-one time (along with a sweet beret!) next week.

Until then, rose lovers, I want to hear your thoughts about tonight’s episode. Did JoJo do the right think giving Alex and James more time, or is she just postponing the inevitable? Does Jordan seem “snobby” and “entitled” to you? And am I the only one who thinks Wells might make a fun Bachelor? (Yes, I know it’s a terrible idea, but I can’t help it.) Post your thoughts below, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog here.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go order a margarita pizza. (See what I did there?)

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.