‘The Bachelorette’ Finale Recap: Blessing in Disguise

Warning: This recap contains spoilers for the season finale of The Bachelorette.

We made it, rose lovers! JoJo’s “journey” is at an end, she’s made her choice, some of us may have thrown something at the TV — but however you feel about it, one thing is for sure: JoJo sure is a pretty crier.

Let’s back up a bit, before all the tears started to flow. We open on the city of Phuket, Thailand, home of beautiful beaches and creepily inquisitive monkeys.

“Now I’m standing here in Thailand with two men that I love,” says our very conflicted Bachelorette. “When I’m with Robby, I think of Jordan — and when I’m with Jordan, in the back of my head I think of Robby.” You know what that means, honey — family tiebreaker! Yes, the moment we’ve all been waiting for is here: The return of JoJo’s hero mom, Soraya, and overprotective brothers! (Oh, her dad and sister, Rachel, are there too.)

“I think I love both of them!” JoJo tells her assembled clan.

Yeah, where’s the wine? Mom might need a drink (as do we). Jordan arrives first for the family screening, and Team Fletcher greets him warmly. JoJo tells her family about her “banter” with Jordan — “I’ll make fun of him, he’ll make fun of me” — which immediately makes me think of the “Jolly Jugular Jabbers” from that Life in Hell cartoon, but it doesn’t set off any red flags with the Fletchers. At first blush, Jordan “came across as really genuine,” says Soraya, “and that he really cares for JoJo.”

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelorette’ Season Finale

Indeed, Jordan does seem to be charming the family, especially when he breaks the ice by distributing funny hats to everyone at the table.

But Soraya knows what’s up and senses something a bit sinister behind all that charm. “Jordan is a very likable guy,” she says. “But also I had my other side telling me, ‘OK, he’s a playboy’ … I’m very concerned about this.” To that end, mom gets right to the point when she sits down with Captain Hairdo: “You’re planning to marry her soon?”

As for JoJo’s trust issues, Jordan says he’s got them covered. “She is my best friend,” he tells Soraya. “And I want to wake up every day and make sure that she knows that.” Just when Jordan thinks he’s in the clear, though, mom hits him with the ultimate demand: “Give me your word that you will never break my daughter’s heart.” Yeah, it’s a little unfair for Soraya to put him on the spot that way, but boy is it fun to watch Jordan squirm.

“Absolutely not,” he stammers. “I promise.” Mom’s BS meter must have gone off, because she then goes and tells JoJo that she’s worried that Jordan’s charismatic, attention-hog ways will keep JoJo in a perpetual state of insecure jealousy. (I’m paraphrasing.) But her concerns fall on deaf ears. “She’s all into him right now,” sighs Soraya. “[She] does not hear or see mom’s reaction.”

Hmm… Papa Joe, can you help? When Jordan pledges to prove to Team Fletcher that he’s in it for the long haul, dad replies with a firm but polite, “I expect you to live up to it.”

“It didn’t feel 100 percent like I thought that conversation would look like,” admits Jordan. That’s why — even though JoJo has told him “multiple times” that anyone who proposes to her must first ask for permission from her dad — Jordan chickens out and doesn’t ask Joe for his blessing.

Wait, what? We don’t get to see Jordan’s sit-down with JoJo’s brothers? That’s some BS right there, Team Bachelorette.

“Today went so well! It went so perfect!” raves JoJo. “He wouldn’t propose to me unless he had my father’s permission. I’m pretty confident that Jordan asked, but I don’t know how it went down.” Spoiler alert, honey: It didn’t.

No doubt Team Bachelorette will make sure JoJo discovers that Jordan choked, but first it’s time for Robby’s meet-the-parents moment. In keeping with the Robby Nice Guy vs. Jordan Playboy narrative, we know that Robby will not fail to ask JoJo’s dad for his blessing. “It’s something that I’ve been waiting to do since I told her I loved her,” he gushes. And in true Robby fashion, he starts gushing about JoJo the second he walks into the house, and he doesn’t stop.

Is it enough to win over Mutt and Jeff? (Or whatever her brothers are called?) “My first instinct is that he’s a great guy,” says Smaller Brother. When JoJo says Robby’s love for her is a bit “overwhelming,” whereas her relationship with Jordan is more “fun,” Larger Brother steps in with some words of warning: “You’re not picking someone to be your, like, New Year’s Eve date.” So… you vote Robby then, guys? Hard to say.

Meanwhile, Robby and Soraya are sitting by the window speaking to each other in the overwrought language of TV love. “I’m giving you a princess,” says mom. “I want you to make her a queen of your heart.” And that’s just what Robby wants us to believe that he’s ready to do. Let’s listen in as he pours out his heart (or some version of it, at least) to JoJo’s dad.

Man, even the music wants JoJo to choose Robby. An emotional Joe extends his hand to Robby. “I’m honored that you will be in my family,” he says. “But I need you to take care of my daughter. Forever.”

Aw, don’t cry, Dad! Whomever JoJo chooses, you can rest easy knowing she will never, ever want for hair products. Unfortunately for Robby, though, JoJo is giving all sorts of signs that she’s going to choose Jordan. “With Robby, I have a man that’s incredible, like, unbelievable, perfect, amazing, makes me happy… It’s like, this should be it. This is it.” (Emphasis mine.) The dreaded “should”!

Um, JoJo? You OK? When you’re ready, the family has some advice for you: Pick Robby. And I quote:

Mom: “Not that I don’t like Jordan, but I think Robby is more husband material for you, baby.”

Dad: “I think [Robby] would be a more logical fit for you.”

Larger Brother: “We all like Jordan … but all of us felt like Robby was ready for a serious life of marriage, and he exudes that intent.”

Smaller Brother: “We certainly see that Robby’s committed.”

Rachel: [Silence]

This, of course, is when the bomb drops. JoJo learns that while Robby asked for her dad’s permission to propose, Captain Hairdo did not. And she does not love it.

“I don’t like feeling so confused about this,” sobs JoJo. “I didn’t want it to be this hard.” It’s clear to the family that JoJo is so upset because she likes Jordan more, even if she isn’t ready to admit it. “We’re saying they’re both great guys,” hedges Smaller Brother. “We would be happy to embrace either one of them.” And so would Rachel (as far as we know).

Shake it off and take a deep breath, mama. It’s time to rally for the Last Chance Dates. First up, once again, is Robby. They frolic on the beach, sip coconut juice, and talk about the future. “I see us just sitting on the most comfortable living room sofa while dinner finishes in the oven,” says Robby. “And there’s the noise of kids in the background.” They’re so in love, he continues, that they accidentally burn the meatloaf. Wait, meatloaf? Does Robby’s future take place in 1973? Anyhow, it doesn’t matter — JoJo’s into it. “I trust you so much,” she says, her voice breaking. “It’s overwhelming how much I trust you.” Is that a happy cry or a “crap, it’s really going to suck to dump you” cry? We’ll know in about an hour.

That night, Robby greets JoJo at his hotel, where’s he’s making use of the slippers yet again. (Let’s hope he doesn’t wear them home this time.) “I want you to walk away from here confident,” he tells the Bachelorette, as they snuggle on the couch. JoJo says she has no doubts, so they skip ahead to the Ritual Gift Shop Offerings, which in this case are some photos of Robby and JoJo’s “journey” that he had printed up.

“I see a lifetime with him,” says JoJo. “And that makes me excited to say ‘yes’ to Robby.” Damn, Jordan — you hearing this? You best be ready to step it up tomorrow.

Jordan and JoJo’s date begins on a boat, where they sip wine and smooch. The Bachelorette admits she’s “nervous,” though, especially given Jordan’s failure to ask her family members for their blessing. “It makes me wonder where he stands,” she sighs. After they kayak to a private beach, conversation turns to Jordan’s visit with JoJo’s family — but rather than confronting Jordan about not asking her dad for his blessing, JoJo pussyfoots around it. “What did you guys talk about?” she asks casually. Something tells me producers prepped Jordan for this line of inquiry, because he immediately fesses up. “All I wanted to do is ask him if I can get down on one knee, but I didn’t,” he says, adding that the only reason he didn’t is because he doesn’t know if he’s JoJo’s final choice. So in other words, it was her fault. Classic Jordan!

“We talked about this in our overnight,” whines JoJo. “When they told me that you didn’t [ask], I’m not going to lie, I was really disappointed. … Because now, in two days if you’re down on one knee … you don’t have my family’s blessing.” Selfish to the end, Jordan won’t give an inch of ground. “I don’t know if it’s me!” he whines back. “There’s two of us left.” Oh gurl, come on.

If Jordan isn’t willing to “put himself out there” (in the overused parlance of this show) unless he has a guarantee that you’re going to pick him … that ain’t good. Things only get worse when in one breath, Jordan says he doesn’t know if he can propose to JoJo without knowing he’ll get the final rose, and in another, he says if it were up to him “100 percent I would be on one knee.” Up to you? Bitch, who else is it up to?

JoJo walks away from their date feeling “confused and unsure,” but she still shows up at Jordan’s hotel room that night as planned. Can he get things back on track? Let’s listen in…

The Bachelorette tells Jordan that she’s devastated that he missed the opportunity to ask her father for his blessing, and Jordan agrees that “it sucks.” And now he’s singing a different song, saying he’s “OK” with not knowing whether she’s going to choose him back. “I’m OK taking a little bit of a leap of faith,” he says, desperately trying to remember what the producers told him to say. “Because I love you that much, and I don’t want to lose you.” Does she buy it? Yes and no. “I don’t know without a shadow of a doubt that you really are ready for an engagement, but I know that you want to be with me,” she says.

This sends Jordan into a bit of a panic, so he starts urging JoJo to forget everything he said before.

“I’m gonna do it!” he insists pitifully. “I promise.”

Ooof. Let’s just get to the day of reckoning. Overly tanned ring dude, you’re up!

Robby chooses a giant sparkler and then sits down to write JoJo a heartfelt note about how excited he is to propose. Not to be outdone, Jordan puts on his rainbow socks and makes a very important phone call.

Of course he’s calling JoJo’s parents. You didn’t think Team Bachelorette would let a little thing like lack of old-fashioned protocol derail their perfect finale proposal, did you? Soraya, perhaps thrilled to be asked this time (ahem, Robby), is quick to respond: “Yes you do! You have my blessing, my boys’ blessing, and my husband’s blessing!” Having secured what he needs, Jordan first sends a note to JoJo informing her that he’s corrected his monumental failure — and then he heads off to pick a ring. And naturally, he picks the uglier of the two.

Rings? Check. Sparkly shoes? Check. Killer dress? Check. But before she can head to the Proposal Platform, JoJo needs to read the notes from her potential husbands. Jordan’s note is contrite (“I was sick to my stomach after knowing how hurt you were from our conversation the other day…”) and filled with everything JoJo wants to hear (“I asked [your parents] for their blessing and permission to make today the most special and best day of our life”). It makes JoJo so happy she… starts sweating uncomfortably.

“I don’t feel right,” she sobs. “I don’t like that. It’s, like, everything I want.” Um, what? Honey, calm down. Don’t do anything yet — just take a deep breath and read Robby’s note. Doesn’t he have lovely penmanship?

(Of course, I immediately did a Web search for “people who write in all caps” and the alleged answer, in this case, did not surprise me.)

Robby’s note sends JoJo deeper into her panic attack, and despite having a “moment of clarity” earlier that day, she now seems as uncertain as ever about whom to choose. But don’t worry — she still has a whole commercial break to figure it out. Indeed, by the time we’re back, the Bachelorette seems to have made up her mind — not that she’s happy about what she has to do. “I don’t want to hurt him,” she says tearfully. “I don’t want him to feel an ounce of pain.”

Who? Who doesn’t she want to hurt? Who’s getting out of the SUV first, guys??

Yeah, I suppose we knew that. But poor Robby, he’s still as clueless as ever. “The best part of the day is going to be hearing JoJo — finally, without holding back — tell me how she feels about me.” Oh, she’s not gonna hold back, pal, but you’re probably going to wish she did. First though, Robby must perform his Potential Proposal Preamble, which clearly pains JoJo to hear.

“My future longs for you. My heart yearns for you,” gushes Robby. “It’s love that’s so deep it makes me weak in the knees.” But before he can bend either one of those weak knees, JoJo puts a stop to the whole sad charade. “Robby, wait — I… Hold on,” she gasps. “I can’t let you get down on one knee.” With that, he knows he has lost.

“Robby, I woke up this morning wanting it to be you,” sobs JoJo. “Every day, I’ve been wanting it to be you… But for some reason my heart is somewhere else.” Ouch. I definitely don’t think Robby is the right guy for her either, but it’s hard not to feel bad for the guy, especially when he asks in a sad whisper, “Then what’s missing?” and JoJo doesn’t have an answer for him. Now please, JoJo, stop telling him how much you “wanted it” to be him and let the poor guy go. “As long as you’re happy,” he says quietly. “Hopefully in the end you are.” He remains stoic as JoJo, still weeping, walks with him to what is now the Reject SUV. “I’ve gotta go,” says Robby, allowing JoJo to give him one more sad goodbye hug.

It might be a little too late for that. As the SUV drives Robby away, JoJo is beside herself.

The Bachelorette wonders aloud if she shouldn’t have told Robby that she fell in love with him. Short answer, yes. “I’ve been waiting for her to say she loves me, and she did, but she wouldn’t let me get down on one knee,” says a dejected Robby. “In what world is that OK?” In Mike Fleiss’s world, pal. If you can’t take the heartbreak, get out of the bubble.

Having cried all of her Robby-related tears, a shoeless JoJo makes her way back to the Proposal Platform to await her high-haired Mr. Right. “I am crazy in love with him, and I am so ready,” she reports. “I am ready to say yes!”

Host Chris Harrison wishes Jordan luck and sends him down the stairs to meet his wife-to-(maybe)-be. “It took everything in me not to run down those stairs,” he says. “I love you so much.” And this time, JoJo’s face tells a whole different story.

“You’re my best friend, you’re my soulmate,” he continues. “I’m going to wake up every morning and choose you, over and over and over again.” But just as Jordan reaches for the ring, JoJo interrupts: “Can I tell you something first?”

“I didn’t want you to get down on one knee until you hear that,” she says tearfully. OK Jordan, you heard the woman!

She says yes, of course. “Gimme that hand!” commands Jordan, and they embrace, giddy with happiness.

But like all Bachelorette “journeys,” this one doesn’t end until the couple meets the nation liiiiive. Onward to the Tealight Candle Thunderdome!!!

Robby takes the hot seat first to explain how he felt when JoJo shut him down. “In that moment, I was thinking about all those future plans we had made,” he says, no doubt thinking of the meatloaf. “I had to watch them all drift away over that horizon.” Robby even admits that he was under the delusion until the last minute that JoJo had sent Jordan home and that he was truly the last man standing in Thailand. More importantly, what’s happening on Robby’s lapel?

Robby still has “no clarity” about what happened with JoJo. “Hopefully tonight, I can ask her what that reason was,” he says. When she shows up — rocking another stellar ponytail — Robby is clearly still hurting, and his biggest question is simple: Why did you tell me you loved me? “That is how I felt,” she responds. “I wanted you to know that’s how I was feeling and how important our relationship was to me.” OK, JoJo, how about this: Robby wants to know why you loved Jordan more. (He needs this “for closure purposes.”) Short answer: She loved Robby, but she lurrrrved Jordan. Harrison presses: “Is there one thing … that you can put your finger on?” Not really, says JoJo, though she does say that she and Robby “were missing that friendship that I always wanted.”

Overall, Robby handles it well (though he probably could have spared himself the pain of asking JoJo if she still imagines their future together, because… no), and he exits stage left with some of his dignity intact. Oh crap, why is Chad talking?

Calm down, Team Bachelor. We couldn’t stop ourselves from watching Paradise if we wanted to.

Moving on, Harrison steers the conversation to JoJo and Jordan’s life post-Bachelorette — specifically all the speculation about why Jordan a) went on the show, b) doesn’t speak to his brother, c) does his hair that way. “It’s been difficult,” says JoJo, admitting that she has cried herself to sleep many a night. “The tabloids, the rumors, they’ve been terrible. … The hardest thing has been having people say, 'He doesn’t really love you, this is for show.’”

So what does the “former professional quarterback” have to say about the whole situation? “It hasn’t been easy,” he says. “You’re learning about each other the whole time as well, and we just got better at communicating.” As producers start flashing a montage of tabloid covers on the screen above them (sample headline: “Falling for a Fraud”), Harrison probes deeper: “Did all of this test you to the point where you almost broke up?” Both JoJo and Jordan strenuously deny it. “We expected there to be bumps,” says Jordan, shrugging off the drama. “It’s tough, because we can’t be there to publicly support each other. But we’ve just gotta stay strong.” And then he drops the bombshell: “My bags are packed, we have a house in Dallas, I’m moving in right after this!” Wait, “we” have a house? Something tells me Ms. Fletcher paid for their new home.

As for all those promises to get to the bottom of the Rodgers Family Feud? Not so much. Harrison makes a tentative stab at asking Jordan about his family, but maybe the NFL’s lawyers got to him before he could follow up, because the subject is dropped faster than James T. dropped the football on that group date. “It’s the same situation that it’s been,” notes JoJo, when Harrison asks if she’s met Aaron yet. She’s quick to add, “But it’s not the focus for us right now.”

And with that, all that’s left is a long, sleazy promo for Bachelor in Paradise — and I mean sleazy in the best sense of the word.

So, will JoJo and Jordan add to The Bachelorette’s (relative) success rate, or are they doomed to go the way of all but two couples from The Bachelor? Speaking of the Bachelor, do you want Robby to get the job, or are you rooting for Luke, Chase, or someone else completely? And how does JoJo pull off such a perfect ponytail? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog. I’ll see you tomorrow, rose lovers, for Bachelor in Paradise! (God, it never ends, does it?)