‘The Bachelor: Women Tell All’ Recap: ‘Get Over It’

Warning: This recap contains spoilers for the Women Tell All episode of The Bachelor.

What a night, eh rose lovers? First we had to witness Rachel’s tearful goodbye with Nick — if only she could hear us shouting “But you’re gonna be the Bachelorette!” through our TVs — and then we endured two hours of sparkly “ladies” crying, sniping, and otherwise betraying the sisterhood. (Read my recap of the first hour of tonight’sThe Bachelor “event” here.)

But first, it’s that “tradition” everyone (read: Chris Harrison, producers) loves: Crashing Bachelor viewing parties!

Champagne bongs, rose petals, a “Fantasy Suite Table” filled with “Double-D Cupcakes,” the Backstreet Boys — I think Nick sums it up best when he says, “Oh wow. This seems normal.”

Yeah, yeah, Bachelor Nation is the best. Can we please just get to the part we’re all dying to see: Picture-in-picture side-eye!

Harrison naturally kicks off the discussion by asking the “ladies” when they started hating Corinne. Sarah says it was when she skipped the rose ceremony to take a nap. Lacey says it was when she took her top off on the group date. Whitney (who?) says it was when Corinne told everyone she has a nanny. Platinum Vagine’s one defender, Josephine, is not having any of it. “Who are we to judge what she does with [Nick] during her time?” she bellows. And honestly, “ladies,” do you really want to argue with a woman who looks like she moonlights with Morticia Addams’ glam squad?

Then someone named Elizabeth chimes in (I had to look her up, and boy does she look different) to giggle about how Corinne was sometimes a “slob kebab” in the house — but that doesn’t excuse Taylor’s behavior in her opinion. “A good psychologist can tell when people are emotionally unintelligent,” notes Elizabeth, “but a great psychologist helps them with their issues and doesn’t judge them and put them down.” (And Lizzie should know, because she was a psychology major, guys.) Throughout this speech, Taylor is quite literally biting her tongue to keep from tearing Elizabeth a new one.

Hold that thought, honey. Your time in the Hot Seat™ is coming.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelor: Women Tell All’

First up, though, is Liz, a.k.a. the Nick’s One-Night-Stand. Just as she finishes explaining to Harrison why she decided to come on the show — to get a “clean, fresh start” with Nick, sans excessive alcohol —Whitney (who?) interrupts. “Why didn’t you reach out to him before the show, when you had like six to nine months?” Liz insists she had tried to “cross paths” with Nick before the show, but he was too “busy.” But just when you think the other “ladies” are going to start piling on with their questions and judgments, Liz climbs up on her metaphorical soapbox and starts speechifying about, like, female empowerment.

The women nod their heads vigorously. “We love you, Liz!” cries one. “You should never be ashamed about what you do with your sexuality,” insists Hailey. “That is your choice.” Liz is overwhelmed by their support, and I’ll admit it’s quite heartening to watch. Another woman’s life changed for the better by The Bachelor. When will this show receive the Peabody Award it deserves??

After the commercial break, it’s time for Taylor to take her place on the couch. “Where did things go awry for you?” Harrison asks her, and naturally her answer was essentially, When Corinne happened. “I never spoke one word about you, Taylor! Never one time,” whines Corinne. “Until you started acting hor-i-ble to me.” And you know what? The other “ladies” agree with Corinne. “Smells like s*** in here!” notes one woman (Josephine?), while Jasmine adds, “You walked around the house with your nose in the air.” Corinne, never one to relinquish the spotlight, storms out of the studio… and returns with a glass of champagne, as the audience hoots with delight.

It’s all too much for Taylor to take. Tearfully, she begins to lament how all the “shaming” the women — specifically Corinne — have heaped upon her for being a counselor has had a “direct impact” on her life and career. “It really sucks!” As someone in the “helping profession,” Taylor feels she should be encouraged, not attacked by her fellow contestants. Indeed, she’d really like “some sort of apology” for all Corinne has done. What she gets, though, is this:

And with that, Taylor is shunted to the side once again for Corinne, who seems a lot more comfortable explaining her actions than her rival did. “I was just trying to be sexy, flirty and fun,” explains Corinne, adding, “I did come off a little bit more promiscuous than I had planned coming off.” As for the naps? “Everybody naps!” she insists. “Just like everybody poops.” Fair enough. Though a few of the women on Team Taylor try to take Corinne to task for calling the counselor a “swamp monster” and a “bitch,” Jasmine is all about keeping it real: “We all call each other bitches!”

Related: ‘The Bachelor: The Women Tell All’ Deleted Scene: Liz is Totally Not Bitter

Overall, the Corinne segment is marred by a lot of crosstalk and arguing about who napped when and when is a nap really a nap, etc… and it’s all just making Taylor “feel feelings.” As for Corinne?

All hail the ice queen! “Why can we not bury the hatchet?” wonders Harrison. “Neither one of you are actually speaking to each other.” Finally, Taylor apologizes for saying she wouldn’t have chosen to be Corinne’s friend outside of the show, and Corinne apologizes for… oh wait, no. She doesn’t apologize for anything. Great.

So let’s talk about Raquel, and how she was Corinne’s “rock” during her mom’s ovarian cancer scare. “Raquel is a godsend to me, and I’ll never disrespect her,” notes Corinne. “There’s no way in hell I’d ever call her a cleaning lady.” Not that there’s anything wrong with being a cleaning lady, right Corinne? Right? Oh, never mind. Cheese pasta for everyone!

From the ridiculous to the sublime: Kristina, you’re up! Oh crap, we haven’t even gotten through the “Kristina’s journey” montage and I’m already getting teary-eyed. But we shouldn’t cry for Miss Kristina, because darn it if she isn’t keeping this whole ridiculous experience in perspective.

The other women are overwhelmed by Kristina’s story, and in Liz’s case, a little ashamed that they’ve all been so petty. “We are born into such privilege,” she declares tearfully. “And the fact that we’re up here arguing?… As women especially in these times, we should be building each other up, not tearing each other down.”

Oh my Lord, when did the Women Tell All become such a healing experience? Kristina says she’s even heard from some of the kids she grew up with at the orphanage, and she hopes to use her voice to help forgotten children, like the one she used to be. Crap, now I’m crying again! Nick, can get out here so we can get back to talking about frivolous things?

Thanks. “It’s actually my first Tell All,” Nick, the two-time runner-up, reminds us. “Good to be here.” Highlights from his time in the Hot Seat™:

*Nick put Lacey in the Friend Zone by spending his time with her talking about Josephine.

*He can’t really explain to Kristina why he let her go, other than “something in my heart just said something wasn’t there” when compared to the other relationships.

*Danielle L. is still pretty broken up about getting dumped by Nick, on a two-on-one date no less.

“I just wish you would have sent me home, and not sent me on a two-on-one date,” she tells him with a sniffle.

*Katherine Heigl has decided to embrace her image as a “difficult” “bitch” and play a stalker on the big screen.

*Dominique (had to look her up too) thinks Nick’s kind of a hypocrite for rejecting the qualities he claimed to be looking for. “I expected a little bit more empathy from you,” she says, scolding him. Nick’s all, “Welp, I tried my best!” — because really, what else is he supposed to say?

*As a franchise veteran, Nick knows better than to answer Christen’s question about whether he found the deep love he was looking for. “I think maybe we’ll have to tune in?” he responds weakly. Here’s what we have to say to that, pal:

Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: BLOOPERS. A little underwhelming, to be honest — falling trees, farts, flying insects — but leave it to Corinne and Raven to create a new kind of fetish video: Two girls, one mouthful of cheese.

Our final interviewee of the evening is Ms. Rachel Lindsay, she of the gorgeous smile and glamorous hair extensions.

Our future Bachelorette would like a guy with a great smile who can make her laugh. A guy who’s “secure and confident” and “who is ready to get married and start a family.” (Hey producers, we’ve got a few casting ideas.) Rachel’s fellow contestants seem genuinely happy for her, and Astrid just has one request: “We’ll take your leftovers!”

Harrison dutifully brings up the obvious: “You are our first black Bachelor or Bachelorette.” [pause for audience cheers] “Is that a big deal to you?” Short answer: Yes. “I don’t want that to be the focus of my journey,” says Rachel, “but I’m happy to acknowledge it.”

If only Team Bachelor had left things there! Instead, they bring Nick out to worm his way into Rachel’s big moment. “I think it’s going to be an amazing season,” he says. Great, thanks pal. Now get out of the way so Rachel can hug her girls.

After a preview of “one of the most dramatic and emotional finales ever” — featuring puppies, horses, pensive gazes into a roaring fire, and more tears from Nick’s long-suffering mom — our three-hour “journey” is over. Until next week.

So, rose lovers, what did you think of the Women Tell All? Whose makeover was your favorite? Who do you want to see on Paradise? And which woman do you think will “win” next week? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog right here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to shop for Josephine’s goth lipstick.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC. Watch clips and full episodes of The Bachelor for free on Yahoo View.