‘The Bachelor’ Episode 9 Recap: ‘Why Can’t I Just Have a Normal Relationship?’

Warning: This recap contains spoilers for Episode 9 of The Bachelor.

Welcome to week 9, rose lovers! I’m not gonna lie — it was really hard not to fast-forward past the whole “Andi surprises Nick” garbage and just pretend it never happened, but I persevered, because that’s what professional recappers do. Let’s get through it… together.

“Hey,” blurts Nick, as he awkwardly ushers Andi inside and offers her a drink. (“I think this conversation might call for some whiskey,” says the former Bachelorette, playing her role to a T.) “What the f*** is she doing here?” wonders Nick. Filling time? Giving the guy who edits the promos something to work with? Auditioning to host a new ABC Digital series about speed dating? Who the hell knows. What we do know, however, is that queen Vanessa is not happy.

Don’t worry, honey — that’s the whole point of this show! Come on, Team Bachelor, let’s move things along with the whole “Andi gives Nick advice” thing and finish the rose ceremony that should have happened last week.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs The Bachelor Episode 9

The former Bachelorette now lives in New York, apparently, and just wanted to check in on her ex to see how the whole televised wife hunt is going. “It’s been good,” he says. “I have four very smart women, very strong-headed women.” “And they stuck around?” retorts Andi. (Gurl, let she who has not gone to the fantasy suite with Juan Pablo cast the first stone, OK?) As the whiskey starts to seep into his system, Nick gets a little more relaxed, and he starts teasing Andi back. “You dumped me on national television!” he reminds her, as though she could ever forget. “And now you’re going to be dumping 29 girls,” notes Andi. Nick’s response — a mumbled “maybe 30” — just blows Andi’s mind.

That’s right, toots. Nick’s not about to give a chunky Neil Lane diamond to someone he doesn’t really want to marry “just because she’s the last one standing.” (Somewhere, Brad Womack is in a corner, alternately pumping his fist and weeping.) But forget everything Nick just said, because he really does think this is going to work. And that brings us to the real reason Andi is here: payback. Back in 2014, spurned suitor Nick shocked Andi (and thrilled producers) during the After the Final Rose special by putting this non-question to her on live television: “If you weren’t in love with me, I’m just not sure why… like, why you made love with me.” Looks like Andi’s been waiting three long years to get him back for that “below the belt” (no pun intended) comment.

To his credit, Nick doesn’t seem too chastened by this pointed query. Though “as a man” he wants to get down with all the women, as a reality TV veteran he’s not sure it’s the best idea (lest he get put on blast on live TV). Andi counsels him to do it, if he sees “potential” with the woman in question. The meeting ends with the final task on the Nick Viall Image Redemption To-Do List.

Not for nothing, pal, but it appears the “ladies” have just been standing downstairs shivering this whole time.

And we’ve been waiting a week for this damn ceremony. Get a move on! Yeah, yeah, everything’s “amazing,” “special,” “difficult” — we get it. HAND OUT THE ROSES! And the three women heading to the Fantasy Suite are: Raven, Rachel and… Vanessa. Holy crap, rose lovers — it’s over. Corinne’s reign of camera-hogging terror is over!

Heads-up, Raquel: Time to whip up a big batch of cheese pasta, because your Corinne is coming home and she’ll have a whole lot of feelings to eat. Despite her defiant headshake, Corinne quickly succumbs to her disappointment and breaks down in tears. “I’m sorry if I ever did anything to make you upset,” she sobs as Nick leads her downstairs. He comforts Corinne as you would a small child, smoothing her hair and smooching her forehead. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” says Nick. “Not a thing.” She doesn’t ask for more of an explanation, and he doesn’t offer one. In perhaps her most mature move of the season, Corinne whimpers a sad but heartfelt “Good luck” before climbing into the Reject Limo.

Girl, who says you can’t? Next time, though, try looking for it somewhere other than national television. I’m almost positive your results will be better. Oh, who am I kidding? We’ll see you in Paradise, honey — and here’s hoping your promise to “never kiss up to a man again in my life” holds true.

The next morning, Nick hops a (promotional consideration provided by) Finnair flight to Inari-Saariselka in Lapland, Finland. Here he will romance the final three women amid the snow and limited sunlight, in his ongoing search for emotional “clarity.” Raven, you’re up first! And she has two things on her “never have I ever” to-do list: Tell Nick she’s in love with him, and let him know that she’s never had an orgasm. (Though how he doesn’t know this by now, I can’t understand — she’s said it about 12 times in the promos already.)

First up, though, is a helicopter tour of the wintry landscape, and then darts and drinks by the fire at a local pub. Nick and Raven chat about hometowns, familial love, domestic chores — he’ll do the cooking, she’ll fold the laundry — and fantasy suite nerves. In case you missed it the first 19 times…

But now Raven’s feeling optimistic. “Today’s the day!” Let’s hope so, honey.

At dinner, Raven screws up her courage and finally tells Nick and his gigantic turtleneck that she’s never told a man that she loves him. (Her last boyfriend, meanwhile, only said it to her when he was drunk. Man, that guy sounds like a real winner.) “The way that I feel about you, I never felt about him,” says Raven, who gets increasingly emotional as she tries to share her feelings with Nick. “From the very beginning, it was easy for me to see you as a partner… With every step of the way, you have made it so easy for me to love you, that I felt I missed an opportunity during hometowns for me to tell you… I do love you.”

Somebody set off the confetti cannons — she did it! And it really did look tough, so good for you, Raven. I’ll admit I almost wanted Nick to pull a Ben Higgins and say it back, just so Raven’s first experience with dropping the l-bomb would be a good one. But the Bachelor knows better, so he just answers with a kiss.

Raven’s work isn’t over yet, though. When Nick whips the Fantasy Suite card out from under his plate, she doesn’t hesitate to accept — but there’s a catch.

“I was not expecting that,” admits Nick, when he learns of Raven’s predicament. But he’s ready to accept the challenge… next week? Alas, yes. Looks like we’ll have to wait for next week’s “three-hour extravaganza” to find out if Nick’s night with Raven earned him a trip to Red Lobster, and to see his dates with Rachel and Vanessa, of course. After that, it’ll be time for the Women Tell All — and the best part of the whole season: bloopers.

And with that, this leg of Nick’s “journey” comes to an abbreviated end. Are you shocked Corinne went home — or that she stayed this long? Is Vanessa really in trouble, or is Team Bachelor just working their editing magic? And how much time do you think they wasted shooting that Rocky IV-style training montage?

Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog right here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to send Raven a gift card for The Pleasure Chest.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC. Watch clips and full episodes of The Bachelor for free on Yahoo View.

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