‘The Bachelor’ Episode 6 Recap: The St. Thomas Date Massacre

Warning: This recap contains spoilers for Episode 6 of The Bachelor.

Boy, this “to be continued”/ rose ceremony at the beginning of the show stuff is getting old. Enough — okay, Team Bachelor? Thanks.

This week’s “already in progress” episode begins with the “ladies” at the hotel, waiting for the Suitcase Ninja™ to come and fetch the eliminated woman’s bags.

And when the PA with the two-toned hair removes Taylor’s suitcase, the women are surprised — but not all that upset. (“Corinne’s coming back!” cries Josephine happily.) “It must be a shocker for her,” notes Jaimi. Which is a perfect segue to…

“Can we talk?” Taylor asks the flustered Bachelor, who of course has no option but to say, “Um… sure.” Once outside, Taylor says everything she should have said during the swamp date — namely that Corinne grossly misrepresented their conversation and that Nick needs to open his eyeballs. “I’m not the only one saying this about Corinne,” notes Taylor. “Vanessa literally told you that she would give you back your rose if this is what you were looking for.” Nick, who looks genuinely scared, gives Taylor the old “I hear what you’re saying, and I believe that you believe it’s important” response (long live Bobby Hill), and then sends Taylor on her way.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelor’ Episode 6

And with that, he and Corinne go back to making out.

“I do see a lot of potential in Corinne,” says the Bachelor. “And that’s very much worth exploring.” I think we all know what Nick means by “exploring”: Corinne’s going to make it to the overnight dates, isn’t she?

Sure. But maybe use one of those lives to tend to that hair, okay?

Rose ceremony time! And honestly, “ladies,” why are you so surprised that there’s no cocktail party? Time’s a’wastin’! Robot roll call: Kristina, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L., Jasmine, and Whitney (WHO?) will join Corinne, Danielle M., and Rachel in the next round. Alas, this means we’ll be saying goodbye to Alexis the “aspiring dolphin trainer” and Nic Cage phobic — at least until Bachelor in Paradise. We must also bid farewell to Jaimi (didn’t love the dress, but definitely there for that purple lipstick and matching nail color) and Josephine. Adios, chicas.

And we’re off to St. Thomas! And you know what that means: Nick gets to break out yet another tank top!

The “ladies” helpfully remind us that there are still three women out of the remaining nine who haven’t had one-on-one dates yet: Jasmine, Kristina and Whitney (who?). So when Nick arrives via puddle-jumper, which woman will he whisk away for a romantic island adventure? Поздравляю, Kristina! You’re up. (Sorry, Jasmine.)

“I kind of had a feeling,” says Kristina, when Nick asks if she expected to get the one-on-one date. Yes, gurl — you own your fabulousness! The duo jets off to the Annaberg Ruins, where they sip beer and enjoy a little get-to-know-you chat. We learn that Kristina has 9 siblings — 8 from her adoptive family and one sister who still lives in Russia. “I’m gonna work really hard to knock down these walls that Kristina has up,” notes Nick, who adds that he has “very strong feelings” for the Russian beauty.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Team Bachelor trolls Corinne by sending a nice old lady named Lorna in, ostensibly to take care of all the women — but we only see her tending to Corinne.

Honestly, I hope production gave her a huge tip.

At dinner, we finally get to hear more about Kristina’s backstory — and it’s a doozy. Let’s listen in:

She goes on to say that she was in an orphanage “within weeks,” and that her mom — who has since passed away — never came to visit her at the orphanage. After seven or eight years, Kristina was adopted by an American family — a happy thing, yes, but she was heartbroken to say goodbye to the kids she grew up with at the orphanage. “Leaving all of them behind, knowing I won’t ever see them again… I think at the time that’s why it was so hard.”

Oh man, I need a minute here. Nick does, too.

Of course Kristina gets the date rose — AS WELL SHE SHOULD. (And by the way, Team Bachelor, if you need a candidate for the next Bachelorette, keep this formidable woman in mind, okay?)

Group date time! Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M. and Jasmine meet Nick at the pier for a catamaran ride to Abi Beach. (This means, by the way, that Whitney (WHO?) and Danielle L. have inexplicably been assigned to a two-on-one date, but more on that later.)

After a few island cocktails, Nick the “drunk little baby dinosaur” is clearly feeling no pain.

The “ladies,” however, are pretty deep in their feelings. Jasmine remains bummed that she has yet to get any real “quality time” with Nick, and it’s having a less-than-stellar effect on her judgment.

Meanwhile, Danielle, Rachel, and Vanessa have slowly come to the realization that competing for a man on TV is both undignified and an inefficient way to find a mate. “The fact that I have to go through these next few weeks having to deal with all the competition and all the gossip and all the talk and the other one-on-ones — it’s so f***ing annoying,” says Vanessa tearfully.

And now Danielle’s crying, too! I guess the combination of hot sun, deep-seated insecurities, and a s**t-ton of alcohol does not a great group date make. “It’s pretty much a disaster,” admits Nick. “It almost feels like a wasted day.”

And so, our Bachelor heads into the evening cocktail party fully resolved to “pick up the pieces” from the craptastic beach party. He apologizes to the “ladies” and promises that he’ll be giving each of them some “quality time” over the course of the evening. Well strap in, pal, because it looks like all the women want to use their alone time to complain about how awful the day was. Rachel even goes so far to warn Nick that she was on the verge of leaving the show.

As for Jasmine, she’s completely spinning out — ranting to the other women about how she wants to punch Nick in the face for not giving her the “validation” she so deserves. “How patient can you f***in’ be?” she snaps. “I’m gonna tell him, straight to his face: ‘Don’t you DARE overlook me!'” Sure, that’ll end well.

When the Bachelor finally pulls Jasmine aside for a chat, she launches right in with her complaints. “I like you a lot. I really do,” she tells Nick. “But in a way it’s like, I just feel like maybe I’m being overlooked… I’m here, do you not see me?” She goes from defiant to earnest to weepy to weird, and by the time she “playfully” chokes the Bachelor, you can tell he’s ready to end this non-relationship post haste.

“I didn’t have the best conversation with Jasmine,” notes Nick, in the understatement of the night. “In fact, it was actually a bit awkward.” So he gently informs Jasmine that he’s not feeling it, adding, “It might be time to say goodbye.” You think? Farewell, Jasmine. We’ll probably see you in Paradise — but for your sake, I hope not.

The next day, it’s time for the surprise two-on-one date. Like all the viewers, both Danielle L. and Whitney (who?) want to know why they’ve been chosen for this dubious honor. “Whitney and I don’t have any animosity between us,” notes Danielle sadly. But when the time comes, neither Danielle nor Whitney asks Nick to explain himself (as far as we know). It’s also hard to glean any clues from the Bachelor: Nick tells Whitney that she’s a “calming person” for him to be around, while Danielle tells him that she wants to be “the last person at the end of this.”

Hearing this, Nick now seems to have the “clarity” he was seeking. He excuses himself from Danielle and heads over to the beach bed where Whitney is reclining alone. You can guess what happens next.

Whitney makes a half-hearted attempt to change his mind — “You think that Danielle L. is ready for a relationship?” — but Nick stands firm. He gives Whitney a hug goodbye before exiting the situation with Danielle the only way he knows how: via helicopter. Say it with me one last time, rose lovers:

Not to say that Danielle L. has officially “won,” however. Over dinner, Nick is clearly ambivalent and a little distant as he half-heartedly reminisces with her about their one-on-one date. “It does seem like forever ago, doesn’t it?” he mumbles tellingly. It seems our Bachelor is looking for a “raw” love — one where “we love everything about each other, the good and the bad” — but to be honest, Danielle L. seems more flash-frozen than raw. And once she professes that she’s “falling in love” with Nick, he knows what he has to do.

A tearful Danielle wonders if she got the boot because she “wasn’t perfect,” which is a sad but expected sentiment from a reality TV dating show contestant. A tearful Nick, meanwhile, is starting to shame spiral about his chances of finding “love,” a concern he feels he should communicate to the women immediately.

“I really want this to work out,” says Nick between sniffles. “But I want it to be real and I want it to be right. And, you know, right now I just feel, like, terrified that it’s not gonna happen.” Team Bachelor wants us to believe that Nick ended this little speech with “So, I don’t know if I can keep doing this,” but at this point I think we can all recognize a Frankenstein-ed soundbite when we hear one.

Even so, Nick’s tearful visit rocks the “ladies” to their core.

They wipe away tears and wonder aloud if their 15 minutes of fame — I mean, chance to find love — is about to come to an abrupt end. Unlikely, but we’ll have to wait until next week to find out how Nick decides to proceed — as well as whether he’ll take Corinne up on her “platinum vagine” offer. In the meantime, rose lovers, I want to hear from you. Do you think Nick actually sees a future with any of these women? Did you ever expect Nick to cry so much? And is there anything more cruel than giving someone gross chocolate? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog here. See you next week, friends.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC. Watch clips and full episodes of The Bachelor for free on Yahoo View.

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