‘The Bachelor’ Episode 4 Recap: Farm Fresh Drama

Warning: This recap contains spoilers for Episode 4 of The Bachelor.

Welcome back to “To Be Continued” theater, rose lovers! Let’s rejoin the action — still in progress from last week — as Nick tries to explain to Vanessa why he was dry-humping Corinne in a bouncy castle.

“Listen, I get it,” mumbles Nick. “I want you to let me know when you’re pissed off and mad and want to hit me in the face. … I very much give a s*** about what you say and think about me and my actions.” All groveling aside, though, the Bachelor reminds Vanessa that she needs to “try and be a little more patient,” as this season does need to run for at least nine two-hour episodes.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs The Bachelor Episode 4

And of course Team Bachelor wants Corinne to be around for a good chunk of those episodes — which is where the idea of patience comes in. Because as much as Vanessa and the other “ladies” think Nick knows enough to send Platinum Vagine packing, when the rose ceremony rolls around…

This stings Taylor and Sarah in particular, as prior to the rose ceremony they tried to reason with their rival about how “disrespectful” the bounce house “situation” was.

Also joining Vanessa, Danielle L., and Rachel in the rose roll call: Raven, Taylor, Whitney (who?), Kristina, Jasmine, Alexis, Astrid, Danielle M., Jaimi, Josephine, and Sarah. Which means, alas, that we must say goodbye to Christen and Brittany — the former of whom does not depart without castigating Nick with some brutal, silent shade.

If that didn’t earn her a ticket to Paradise, I don’t know what will.

The next day, Harrison arrives at Casa Bachelor with some news: It’s time for the “ladies” to pack their bags, because everyone’s headed to the exotic shores of … Milwaukee? I can’t be the only one who thought of this moment in Wayne’s World:

Indeed, the “ladies” were supposed to head somewhere a little more fun — Kiawah Island, S.C. — but as Chris Harrison told us last week, Mother Nature had other plans.

So with that it’s off to Waukesha, Wis. — Nick’s hometown (and site of the Slenderman stabbing, but that’s not important right now). And look who’s here to meet him!

Over coffee, the Bachelor tells mom and dad that he’s starting to feel “connections” with some of the women and that he’s “as ready as I’ve ever been” to settle down. Still, Nick worries he may be too “guarded” to find “love.” Oh, nice work, pal, you made your mom cry AGAIN.

Time for Dad to lay down the law: “We don’t want to see you on this show again,” he tells Nick. Neither do we, sir.

The dates begin when Nick gathers all the women in a local park and then announces that only one of them will get to spend time with him today: Danielle L., you’re up! As for the rest of you … maybe some mini-golf?

The Bachelor whisks Danielle off to Periwinkle’s Bakery, where they make small talk with the clerk, decorate some cookies, and eat Nick’s face.

Everything’s going great until … what’s this? An ex-girlfriend of Nick’s just happens to be sitting in the window at a café at the exact same time Nick and Danielle are walking by? WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

All joking aside, Amber and Nick dated for “three or four months” sometime around “forever ago,” and it seems that she bears no ill will toward Mr. Viall. The Bachelor is “heart-driven,” Amber tells Danielle before wishing them well and sending them on their way. From there, Nick and Danielle head to Lowell Park, where they reminisce about crushes and kisses and losing one’s virginity in a public park (that last one’s Nick, of course).

Later that night over drinks, Nick launches into an investigation into Danielle’s personality (or lack thereof): Is there something more complex under her “incredibly nice” surface? Sure, there are layers: Danielle explains that her parents’ divorce when she was 17 left her a little commitment-phobic, and … well, that’s about it. And you know what? It’s good enough for Nick. “She has so many of the qualities I’m looking for in a wife,” he says.

So Danielle gets the date rose … and a front-row seat to a Chris Lane concert.

But that’s nothing compared with what Nick has in store for his group date “ladies,” Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle M., and Corinne. The next day, the women head to Knigge Farms, where it smells like “cows and nature” (Astrid, trying to be diplomatic) — and where they find Nick sitting on a bale of hay feeding a baby cow with a bottle.

Cue the awwwwws! This date, though, is a chance for everyone to “get out of our element,” explains Nick — who also wants to see how the women will handle “doing some of the more dirtier [sic] things” one must do to keep a dairy farm running.

Like milking cows, of course! “I think some of the women are going to have to show him how it’s done,” jokes the owner, as Nick fumbles with the cow’s teat. (“Haven’t you handled some teats?” wonders Jaimi, who turns out to be quite a talented milker.) Then Corinne — who naturally hates the idea of “chores” and wouldn’t even make Raquel the nanny do “farm chores” — makes the mistake of wondering, “How can this date get any less romantic?”

Exactly. While the other “ladies” just grin and bear it — “You just gotta smile and just say, ‘Yeah, Nick, I love doing this!'” says Jasmine through a clenched jaw — Corinne gives it the old millennial non-try.

“I respect shoveling poopie,” purrs Corinne later. “I really, really do.” It’s just that Corinne lacks the “courage” and “blind sense of smell,” which she believes are required to do the job. Speaking of courage (not really, but let’s go with it, thanks): During drinks that night Kristina alludes to having a difficult childhood — “The way I grew up, I didn’t have it easy at all” — and Nick really wants to hear more. (So do we.) Though she’s willing to tell Nick the story “in pieces” over the course of several group dates and cocktail parties, instead they just end up making out.

Meanwhile, the rest of the women are sitting around talking about how much Corinne sucks. And wouldn’t you know it? She’s standing nearby hearing every word. I’m pleased to report that she has a very reasoned, thoughtful response to the concerns of her fellow contestants.

“I’m a good person,” she insists, before launching into a weird metaphor about how she’s actually “juicy,” “buttery,” “luxury” corn filled with “pellets of information.”

And like the glorious ear of corn that she is, Corinne is about to pop off. In a quasi-polite, passive-aggressive way, of course. “I know I’m not everyone’s favorite person,” she tells the assembled women. “If I did anything, come to me and talk to me.” Sarah’s, like, challenge accepted, beyotch, and she fires off the question we all have: “Do you think you’re genuinely ready to marry a 36-year-old man?” Sarah goes on to remind Corinne of her main offenses: The Bounce House Situation and the Rose Ceremony Nap. And Corinne’s al l… that’s it?

And yeah, when you lay it all out there, staging an intervention because Corinne chose to sleep through the ceremony rather than stay up all night watching other women get roses … it does sound a little petty. “I didn’t mean to offend anyone by taking that nap,” replies Corinne, in a none-too-convincing manner.

The debate rages on, however, with Vanessa and Kristina trying to woman-splain to Corinne why her actions and attitudes are so offensive to them. “You hide away,” Kristina tells her, and that’s when Corinne — who now claims she skipped the rose ceremony because she had a “panic attack” — hits her limit. “I think conversation is done,” she snaps, before marching off to find Nick and give him her own version of events.

Mercifully, though, Nick does not give Corinne the date rose after her little speech. Instead, it goes to Kristina the Bold. How do you say “Congrats, honey” in Russian?

Our final one-on-one date of the week goes to Raven, who breaks out her finest distressed jeans for the occasion. The date card said, “Let’s kick it,” and even though Raven thinks that means they’re playing baseball (bless her heart), the actually activity is much, much better.

Yes, the Bachelor’s delightful, adorable (and delightfully adorable) sister Bella has a soccer game today, and Raven has been granted the privilege of watching from the sidelines. This also means that Raven gets to meet Nick’s parents and make uncomfortable small talk.

When the game is over it’s off to Skateland, and I have honestly never been so jealous of a Bachelor date activity in my life. (Shout-out to Cheap Skate in Coon Rapids, Minn.!)

During a pizza break, Bella sits down with Raven for a quick chat, and even though Nick keeps trying to distract them…

…Bella stays true to her mission, and ultimately declares Raven “funny,” “pretty,” and “nice.” The trifecta! One descriptor Bella left out, though: “Thorough.” Because later that night, when Raven’s telling Nick about the time she walked in on her boyfriend with another woman, she leaves no detail unspoken.

Duly noted. Also important to note: Raven does not take any s***. Upon finding her boyfriend In flagrante delicto with another woman, she picked up said woman’s stiletto and “beat him in the head with it.” Once her rage passed, though, Raven was able to turn that situation into a learning experience about the type of men she should date: “If someone can’t value me the way I should be valued,” she tells Nick, “then they’re not worth my time.”

So Raven gets the rose, meaning Nick avoids having his head beaten in with a stiletto for at least one more day.

Only 10 minutes left, rose lovers, so we all know where this is headed. As the pre-ceremony cocktail party begins, Taylor, who’s already testy about the Corinne situation, finds her hackles further raised when Danielle L. “steals” Nick for the first chat of the night. So she tromps outside to interrupt them … but Danielle just keeps on talking.

Eventually Danielle deigns to stop yammering and allows Taylor to sidle under the blanket next to Nick. There they have a great conversation about … oh, my bad. I forgot we didn’t get to see any of their conversation because Team Bachelor thought it was more important for us to watch this:

First of all, props to Josephine and Corinne for tucking into those hors d’oeuvres like pros. And the more they eat, the more annoyed they both get with Taylor — until at last Corinne announces, “I’m about to go over there and rip her a new one.”

Fight! Fight! Fight! Rather than treating producers to a hair-pulling slap-fest, though, Corinne and Taylor cozy up under a blanket on the outdoor bench and question each other’s intelligence — emotional and otherwise. It’s a lot of “Don’t call me stupid!” “I didn’t call you stupid!” “You’re stuck up!” “You’re an emotional infant!” And of course the must-hyped declaration, “I run a multimillion-dollar company!” Knock it off, Corinne. We literally can’t even with that claim, OK? Oh, and look at the time:

Welp, that was fun. But not as fun as next week’s two-on-one date between Corinne and Taylor. Until then, let me know your thoughts about this week. Are you enjoying the Corinne Show or are you ready to move on? Did Raven just become a frontrunner? And honestly, who isn’t afraid of Nic Cage? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog right here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go defrost some mini-taquitos.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.