South Park Tackles Kaepernick Scandal, Trump's Incompetence in Premiere

Andy Swift

After a nine-month hiatus, Wednesday’s South Park season premiere — a sharp cocktail of hot-button issues — went down sweeter than a ‘Member Berries-flavored smoothie.

Oh, what are ‘Member Berries, you ask? They’re kind of like Veggie Tales characters, oozing with nostalgia for all the treasures of yesteryear: Star Wars, Chewbacca and, most importantly, when marriage was strictly between one man and one woman. (Yeah, ‘Member Berries are actually pretty homophobic. And racist, as they also looked fondly on when there were “less Mexicans” in our country.)

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But the presence of these sinister fruits was actually the least of everyone’s concern in Wednesday’s premiere. With the election polls placing Mr. Garrison and Caitlyn Jenner in the lead by a considerable margin, the unlikely duo was forced to figure out what they’ll do if they actually win this thing.

“I don’t have any f–ing plans!” Mr. Garrison revealed to his running mate. “That’s why I have you! … Are you telling me we’re about to be voted into office and we have no idea what the f–k we’re going to do?” (As if the parallels being drawn between the Garrison and Trump campaigns weren’t obvious enough at this point, Mr. Garrison was also sporting a fresh spray tan.)

The only solution, it seemed, would be for Mr. Garrison to sabotage his campaign by sitting during the National Anthem at a televised event. Unfortunately, because South Park exists in a post-Colin Kaepernick world, it’s now acceptable for attendees to “rise or sit or take a knee to honor America.” Now, Mr. Garrison’s mission is clear: “I have to keep running… but I have to make sure she wins.”

(Side note: Mr. Garrison had only J.J. Abrams to blame for his big sit-down plan backfiring, as the government hired Abrams to “reboot” the National Anthem. Their logic? “He saved Star Wars, and now we will ask him to save our country.” … Eh, sounds good to me.)

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South Park Recap
South Park Recap

And over at South Park Elementary, the kiddos were winter hat-deep in their own political drama. Convinced that Cartman is behind a recent string of Internet trolling, the girls’ basketball team sat out the National Anthem in protest of the school’s lack of action against him.

Cartman, naturally, denied all of the girls’ allegations, going so far as to speak out “against” the Internet’s war on women, specifically defending the all-female Ghostbusters reboot. (Mind you, the little bastard was wearing a “Token’s Life Matters” T-shirt the entire time, so as always, we can take his sincerity with a grain of salt.)

The premiere, while pretty decent on its own, felt like more of a set-up for the rest of the season, right down to Kyle’s vow to expose Cartman as the school’s anonymous troll. (I know we all want a Stranger Things parody this season, but honestly, I’d settle for a Pretty Little Liars spoof.)

Your thoughts on the long-awaited premiere? Hopes for the rest of the season? Grade the episode below, then drop a comment with your full review.

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