'Scream Queens' Recap: Teenage Basteland

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Warning: This recap for the “Thanksgiving” episode of Scream Queens contains spoilers.

Most Americans and even perhaps some Canadians hold certain Thanksgiving traditions dear. Family recipes, football games, white wine, vicious political arguments… For most of us, it truly wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without these things. But TV has Thanksgiving traditions of its own. They’re usually episodes where characters put aside their differences and find warmth and comfort in the company of each other. So what happens when a show as black-hearted and fizzy-brained as Scream Queens gathers its characters for a heartwarming reunion at episode’s end? It unveils a SEVERED HEAD on a tray. We should’ve known you were up to something, you trickster!

Strangely enough though, “Thanksgiving” did ultimately come off as the most subtly emotional episode of Scream Queens yet. But rather than steep anything in sentimentality, the pathos was all buried underneath every grim joke and abrasive comic setpiece. This was an episode that saw one girl get ignored by her family, another totally abandoned by hers, and pretty much every other character decide to spend the holiday in a crime scene rather than go home. It makes sense that these are some of the meanest people on TV, but sometimes even the meanest joke becomes sad when you realize that the teller is all alone. In other words, this was one disgusting bummer of a Thanksgiving. Let’s talk about it!

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We began with a quiet, intimate moment between Chad Radwell and Chanel, in which she informed him that she had murdered the mother of his unborn child. He took it okay, but only because Chanel promised to show him Hester’s “hot dead body.”

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Unfortunately, like every other dead body in the history of this show, it had disappeared! Chad was disappointed, but luckily for Chanel, she was now his date to his family Thanksgiving in the Hamptons again! In other words, MURDER PAYS.

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Meanwhile at Gigi’s notably luxurious hotel suite, she was just enjoying a quiet craft night with the remaining Red Devil killer. And when I say quiet I MEAN it, because this individual refused to talk or remove the mask. I am starting to get the feeling that he or she has mental problems?

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Yeah, I’m not sure letting the masked killer carve the quail was a great idea. But still, at least Gigi got to spend the holiday with her only remaining family member! V, v heartwarming.

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Slightly less heartwarming was Chanel No. 3′s visit home. Not only were they very apathetic to the school trauma she’d experienced (“a bunch of my sorta friends have been killed and nobody’s asked me about it!“), she was also, of course, the heiress to the Swenson frozen dinner empire, and this was a family that took their product SERIOUSLY. That meant they were all sitting in a living room situated to face six televisions while they ate frozen turkey dinners. True luxury in other words. But when Chanel No. 3 was charged with the indignity of sitting in the back row with the help, she threw a fit and ran out of there! Which, fair, but honestly? That living room was kind of amazing. None of us would be mad about having a living room like that.

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So then Chanel No. 3 returned to the Kappa house where she was prepared to spend the holiday by herself (a death wish if there ever was one) only to encounter a certain murderous dean in the kitchen! Dean Munsch had decided to slaughter the turkey that she’d ceremonially pardoned the day before because why not? Again, I think we weren’t meant to question why Dean Munsch was hanging out by herself in an empty sorority house, but if you DO decide to question it, feel free to feel real bad for her. What a sad life she leads. (When she’s not committing or covering up murder.)

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So, then the Very Special Radwell Thanksgiving segment of this episode began, and the dinner scene was every bit the hellish nightmare that you might have expected! The main thing you need to know was that Chad Radwell is the best, smartest, and kindest member of his family. And that family includes Alan Thicke as Dad Radwell and Patrick Schwarzenegger (Arnold’s IRL son) as Thad Radwell.

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The other brother, Brad Radwell, was played by Chad Michael Murray, and if seeing his name in the opening credits didn’t give you chills, then maybe I don’t trust you. (Just gonna take a minute to reminisce about how underrated House of Wax is, BRB.)

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So, between all of the insults openly hurled at Chanel for being trash from bad stock, the night took a truly strange turn when HESTER showed up in a newly bejeweled neck brace. She was alive, well, and ready to announce that she was carrying Chad’s baby still (or so she claimed). Unfortunately Bunny Radwell was not stoked to hear about this and immediately threatened legal action. Then it was time for Pictionary!

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But right away the game wasn’t fair. It was Hester and Chanel versus the ENTIRE Radwell family, and the first clue was modified to read “neckbrace whore.” Which, yeah, meant the entire family was hurling insults directly at Hester for what felt like 35 minutes.

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Like, it was so bad that CHANEL, of all people, took pity on her and fought back!

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And then Chanel put all her worst qualities to use for the better good, and systematically told off each family member!

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They didn’t seem to care too much, but Chanel had made her point! And for her efforts Hester declared herself besties with Chanel again and they left together. See, sometimes all it takes to forgive someone for trying to murder you is for them to defend you from a family of rich jerks during a game of Pictionary.

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Back at the house, more “orphans” began to gather for the turkey dinner Dean Munsch was preparing. Grace and Zayday decided to skip Oakland and stay in the house for legit no reason. And Chanel No. 5′s parents had skipped town without telling her, which was a very Brian Krakow situation. But the whole thing gave Dean Munsch an opportunity to play a game of “YOU’RE THE KILLER.” The only rule was to accuse someone of being the killer, and her first accusation was Chanel No. 3.

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But Chanel No. 3 threw the accusation right back at Dean Munsch, and brought up how she’d lied about being allergic to bologna because one time she saw Dean Munsch eating a bologna sandwich at a coffee shop (?) while reading a Playgirl (?). Most of us do this on the daily so it wasn’t very convincing to me.

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The weirdest accusation of all came from Wes, who accused HIS OWN DAUGHTER of being the killer. It had something to do with him once stalking her where he witnessed her hanging out with the Red Devil (who was just Pete in his costume). Honestly, he could have simply pointed out that she owns over 75 terrible hats and that would’ve been incrimination enough of her mental state.

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I loved the flashback that placed Grace on campus during the year before — when the previous president of Kappa had been murdered with a spray tanner — and the Chanels had much more restrained outfits and hairstyles. Things had really gotten nuts sartorially when Chanel took over, I guess. Just ostrich feathers and bag lady couture everywhere.

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But then Pete arrived with an accusation against WES, specifically the fact that he’d shown up on security camera footage near the storage locker where the bodies kept disappearing (he claimed he was just stealing meat), and also Pete dug up an old yearbook of Wes partying.

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It’s at this point that Wes at least confirmed that he was the biological father of the bathtub twins (his DNA matched Boone’s). Because sure!

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If you ask me, he is probably the father of more than just the twins and Grace, and the final killer wasn’t Boone’s twin sibling, but more of a half-brother or half-sister from another mother. Or something? I can only barely care.

But then the best part of the episode happened: The turkey was ready! Except, when the platter was brought out, it did not resemble the turkey that Dean Munsch had placed in the oven:

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And the room reacted accordingly!

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Happy Thanksgiving!

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But yeah, Gigi got straight-up MURDERED by the remaining Red Devil. So that’s Scream Queens’ game: Multiple murderers, but the remaining mysterious third one is the only one who matters. All we know is that he or she is a sibling to Boone, meaning they have one or more parent in common. But who is it? And does it actually matter? Probably not, but let’s play along.

“Thanksgiving” was a pretty fun, very dark take on Thanksgiving tropes, but aside from the shocking final reveal was mostly just useful for engendering our sympathy toward these characters and their very nightmarish family lives. It’s truly saying something that they’d all choose to be together in dysfunction than at home in hell. And that kind of sums up our fondness for this show too, right? It’s hard not to feel some kind of twisted affection toward such unfathomably mean people. We may never fully love these characters, but we sure can be grateful for them.

What did YOU think about “Thanksgiving”?

Scream Queens airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on Fox.