Scream Queens Recap: Talk to the Hand

Andy Swift
TVLine.com

Dr. Cascade took his Romeo and Juliet-style romance with Chanel No. 3 to the next level on Tuesday’s Scream Queens — but only after she proved he’s not a zombie. (You know, just like in Shakespeare’s beloved classic!)

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Via a series of urine tests and Cosmo quizzes, the First Lady of Earmuffs deduced that her new boyfriend isn’t quite as dead as he’s been leading her to believe. Inspired by this apparent revelation, No. 3 threatened to expose Dr. Cascade as the Green Meanie, resulting in this absurd interaction: “Maybe I’ll have to turn you in.” / “Maybe I’ll have to kill you.” (Solid relationship, guys!)

Fortunately, Cassidy eventually came around, vowing not to murder her or Chanel No. 1: “But if someone else kills you, he added, “just know it’s not my fault.” (As always, literally no one is looking out for No. 5.)

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Speaking of doctors trying not to kill their girlfriends, Brock spent the hour limiting his stress levels in order to protect Chanel. As we all know, stress is the leading trigger of murderous hands nationwide. It seemed like Brock was starting to get the situation under control, but then the hand started talking to him. And then it started fighting him. (Honestly, it was the kind of fight that MTV Movie Awards are made of. You know, if this was a movie.)

Because why not, the episode ended with back-to-back transplant procedures: First, Dr. Holt performed open-heart surgery with his evil hand tied belted behind his back. Then, Dr. Cascade offered to exchange Brock’s evil hand with a new, innocent one. (He’s been watching tapes of Brock’s initial hand surgery for an entire week, so he’s well versed in the procedure.)

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To make all of this so much worse, an ethics inspector was sniffing around the institute throughout the hour, discovering quite a few infractions. I mean, let’s be real: Every storyline on this show — from Hester’s release to the Chanels assisting with surgeries — is an ethical infraction. Sure the guy was murked by the Green Meanie before he could finish giving his final report, but methinks the person on the other end of that call will be paying a visit to the hospital very soon.

So… what do you make of this week’s episode? Any ideas who might be in that third costume? Whatever’s on your mind, drop it in a comment below.

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