'Scream Queens' Recap: Hell Skeezes Over

Are we prepared to accept that Ryan Murphy is one of the best comedy writers of our time? Hear me out. I can already tell you are not hearing me out, but look, even people who are not fans of Ryan Murphy’s brand can admit that his overall series visions blur the starkest of comedy lines and embrace audacity like few other showrunners’ do. From Nip/Tuck to Glee to the individual worlds of American Horror Story, the one through-line in all his work has been a fondness for blackhearted farce and vivid one-liners. Most of the credit for Murphy’s camp sensibility is generally given to the murderer’s row of incredible actresses he hires, but it’s teleplays like the one for “Beware of Young Girls” that prove he really deserves more credit for his joke writing. The Ariana Grande hell monologue alone!

Guys, I could straight-up transcribe the Top 30 best lines in this week’s episode of Scream Queens, but it would take too long to narrow them down. It was as dense with one-liners, throw-away jokes, uncomfortable reactions, bizarre allusions, and absolutely nasty phrases, and I haven’t laughed this hard since… well, it was probably a Niecy Nash scene. I’m sure this is something I’ll keep bringing up as long as it stays true: I originally tuned into Scream Queens for cheap thrills and garish horror, but what I got was one of the most unexpectedly hilarious shows on TV. Honestly, I’m still laughing about Pete breaking that window.

Can we please talk about this episode already, jeez!

We began with Chanel #2′s funeral, and she looked pretty good for someone who had been brutally murdered one thousand years ago and left in a haunted house by a corpse litterbug:

Also, her parents had taken a cruise to celebrate her death, so the girls had to eulogize her in their own way. One lamented that Chanel #2 had died before they could figure out what ethnicity she was, and Chanel #1 ended her speech with the touching line, “you’re a stupid little trollop and I hope you’re burning in hell right now. Amen.” It was honestly the most moving funeral since Elton John ruined “Candle in the Wind.”

Even though Chanel #1 had more than unburdened herself of her true thoughts about Chanel #2, she was still stress-eating in the closet over it. It turned out she truly didn’t feel closure and was still concerned with who had killed Chanel #2 and why.

That’s when Chanel #3 suggested they consult a “Satanic talking board” which, for trademark reasons, was NOT a Ouija™ board, though it was the same board as featured in the film Ouija, which can be spoken aloud, since it’s a movie title. (Yet nobody saw it, according to Chanel.) Anyway, next thing we knew, they were communing with the dead! And assuming it WAS Chanel #2 speaking through that Satanic talking board, she had a message for Chanel #1: Chad was cheating on her! (Which, duh.)

One problem with revealing that Gigi is in on the Red Devil murders is that she’s not as funny anymore. But what we lost in comic relief we made up for in CLUES. From this phone conversation with one of her accomplices we gleaned that she “loves” her partner and they are both fueled by revenge. Also she wants to somehow get rid of a third partner, who seemed more into the idea of kidnapping and romancing Zayday than murdering anyone. Which means there are a minimum of 3 people involved with the murders, or 4 if you assume that Nick Jonas is involved but is not the one romancing Zayday. Which brings me back to my biggest theory: EVERYBODY ON THIS SHOW IS A MURDERER. Case in point…

This episode had a sort of stand-alone story involving Feather, the young co-ed (played by IRL fashion maven Tavi Gevinson) who’d had an affair with Dean Munsch’s husband only to find herself stalked and Single White Female’d!

But just when Feather thought her happy life shared with Mr. Munsch had settled into just a regular baseline weirdness, she suddenly came home to find tons of signs written in blood and severed human appendages!

The “just a head” one ended up being slightly literal:

Poor Mr. Munsch! But honestly, poor fish! That water was now contaminated and I’d be surprised if they lived through the night. They didn’t ask for that, they didn’t ask that! Here’s another animal I really felt for:

(This .gif feels like an answered prayer somehow.) Anyway, this scene was what Chanel walked in on after she was informed by a ghost that Chad Radwell was cheating on her. And while she, of course, rushed to judgment that Chad was now f—ing a baby goat, he put on his powder blue silk kimono and gently explained that actually he’d merely been trying to relax the goat through basic human touch so that he could obtain its non-lactic milk and keep his body strong. Any further questions? Didn’t think so.

So then Dean Munsch, despite her extreme horniness toward the lead detective, was finally arrested for the murder of her husband, as explained by this very good journalism:

But Pete and Grace saw an opportunity to question Dean Munsch about the other murders that had been committed around campus, and they paid her a visit at the local sanitarium, where she’d begun pursuing her lifelong passion of designing evening gowns:

I honestly almost passed away when they cut to a close-up of a child’s drawing. What a ridiculous, amazing, perfect joke. So good. Anyway, Dean Munsch denied having murdered her husband and offered some clues to Pete and Grace to help exonerate her. In exchange, she agreed to divulge more intel about the mysterious bathtub baby that they’d been trying to identify for the past few weeks. Sort of a quid pro quo situation, assuming I had any idea what “quid pro quo” means. (I don’t.)

Also, this other lady at the sanitarium made a big deal about how she paints everybody there, including visitors, but she might have special powers because she knew what Grace looked like without a dumb hat on. Anyway, I’m sure this totally left-field moment won’t have any impact later in the story, don’t worry.

I loved when the girls reconvened for another not-Ouija sesh, and began asking questions of Chanel #2′s ghost to verify it was actually her. Like whether Chanel #3 had teeth in her vagina (yes) or how many tampons Hester currently had in her purse (9). But things got interesting when Chanel asked who’d been murdering everyone and the response was “Y-O-U.” Putting aside the fact that Ouija boards are fake and under the control of at least one person in the group, Chanel was FURIOUS, shouted at the ghost of Chanel #2 and stormed out of the room. That’s when the remaining three decided that Chanel #1 was the killer and they should kill HER.

Their options for how to murder her were very good ones indeed. They included: a poisoned bra; a “sugar party” (in which everyone eats a bowl of sugar, but Chanel’s bowl will be ground up diamonds); and rat poison, which as Chanel would later point out would merely cause her to throw up and thus make her even skinnier.

Then the ghost of Chanel #2 appeared to Chanel in a dream and they discussed what Hell is like. First of all, there are no dinosaurs, so let’s be clear about that. Apparently Jesus broke in and stole them. Secondly, Carl Sagan is running a sort of help desk. Third, there are waterslides, but they’re covered in razorblades and you wind up in hot pee. Basically, Hell does not sound great. Also this scene (and Ariana Grande’s deadpan delivery) was one of the funniest things I’ve seen on TV all year. It was right up there with Denise Hemphill’s opening monologue about how to call her for help. THAT good. But just when we thought this was just a dream sequence of no consequence, Chanel #2 informed Chanel that the other Chanels were trying to murder her. So was it a paranormal encounter or what? Truly doesn’t matter.

And in what is now becoming one of my favorite running jokes, Pete attempted to slyly break into another property only to clumsily shatter the window. Gets me every time! But they were able to find a toothbrush with Feather’s DNA on it that would prove Dean Munsch wasn’t her husband’s killer. (Long story, doesn’t need to be repeated.)

And it worked! Because suddenly Feather was now in jail for murdering Mr. Munsch. Except…

Dean Munsch HAD been the murderer, as she gleefully informed us during the closing voiceover. And while we know she’s a murderous sociopath, the beauty of Scream Queens is that she’s not necessarily the one(s) murdering as the Red Devil. No, she’s just a one-off killer probably. She dabbles. No big deal.

We concluded with Chanel busting apart her frenemies’ murder plot, then winning them over with gifts: Pink Sherlock Holmes hats. This wasn’t just a nod to the fact that Emma Roberts once played Nancy Drew in a movie, it was also the start of the four of them finally banding together to figure out who the real killers were. But since their prime suspects were Grace and Zayday, they were likely barking up the wrong trees. Or were they? Because, again, probably everybody on this show is a murderer! And now there are only 5 weeks left for each and every one of them to get fingered.

“Beware of Young Girls” wasn’t full of violence and had zero Niecy Nash, but it was still a season highlight just for sheer comic relief alone. That’s absolutely the right tactic when it comes to these midseason wheel-spinners… It doesn’t matter if the story hasn’t kicked into high gear so long as the one-liners and visual gags keep flowing. While many of his haters would like to see Ryan Murphy get motor-boated by Hitler in Hell, the rest of us can be grateful for what he brings to the table every week. I know I am. Credit where credit’s overdue! The man is hilarious.

What did YOU think of “Beware of Young Girls”?

Scream Queens airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Fox.