‘Scream Queens’ Recap: Gently With a Chainsaw

In some Native American cultures the mythological trickster spirit often takes the shape of a coyote, but in television culture it takes the form of RYAN MURPHY. Scream Queens, for example, promises suspense and terror when in actuality it’s a straight-up comedy. Don’t be tricked! This thing is not horror, it is a comedy about horror, and friends? It is hilarious.

It’s not just the unfathomably mean one-liners, which are obviously manifold… It’s the joyful absurdity that permeates every scene and fills out every frame. While many viewers may have been laughing at the shrill histrionics of Chanel and Chad’s umpteenth breakup, I was laughing at the whole scene being set to Bone Thugs-n-Harmony’s “Tha Crossroads.” Just what kind of madness is this show? Question is rhetorical but this truth remains: Don’t let it trick you into thinking it’s dumb. Because this is the kind of dumbness that only smart people can write.

“Chainsaw” was our second date with Scream Queens, and as we all know in the dating world, the second date is the one where we really find out what our hearts want. My heart VERY MUCH wants Scream Queens. “Chainsaw” boasted not one TWO stunning Niecy Nash scenes, a mind-bogglingly hilarious bit involving a white noise machine, and the whole episode paid homage to the classic film Texas Chain Saw Massacre (a true classic). Did I mention there was a scene that both parodied the Backstreet Boys AND featured a double-amputation straight out of Monty Python and the Holy Grail? But those were just the beginning of this episode’s many delights. Let’s get into the rest…

We began with our two ostensible heroes Grace and Zayday walking into the shadiest-looking convenience store possible (set to a vintage synth horror score and filmed from behind at waist-level, much like the iconic tracking shot from Massacre.) They were on a late night snack run, a task which grew considerably less fun when they saw this guy standing by the Doritos:

To their credit they acted quickly: Zayday pushed an entire aisle onto the Red Devil while Grace got a giant pink taser (!) out of her purse and took care of business!

Unfortunately the unmasked Devil proved to be just some random schmoe, which just reinforced the idea that one million people own Red Devil costumes on this campus. It was not specified whether the girls were asked to clean up the aisle or not, but honestly, between the assault, the vandalism, and Grace continuing to wear that plaid paperboy hat, she shouldn’t be allowed in stores anymore.

So then Grace and Zayday decided to investigate what was up with Chanel No. 2′s disappearance and in her room they encountered Denise Hemphill, who was doing some investigating of her own. At this point we were treated to a demonstration of luminol, a glowing chemical that revealed a blood stain on Chanel No. 2′ carpet. But this led to Denise explaining that she sometimes uses luminol on her Arby’s roast beef sandwiches to determine if they put horseradish on it or not. In other words, this scene was more amazing than any of us deserved. I laughed so hard, everything Niecy Nash said or did brought me one inch closer to falling off my furniture and onto the floor. Where are all her Emmys???

In what’s proving to be a recurring joke, Chad Radwell dumped Chanel yet again, because, despite finding her hot (”your boobs are symmetrical and you shave your box in a hot way”), she had become way too lame for hanging out with her dorky pledges. Also this entire scene took place at a “Take Back the Night” anti-violence rally in which everyone was carrying signs indicating that they were personally not involved with the KKT sorority (in case the killer was curious). Also, as I mentioned before, “Tha Crossroads” was playing.

Dean Munsch pulled a classic Munsch moment by declaring that the killings were over, everyone was safe, nothing to see here. But she did enact one new rule: The school would no longer have the Red Devil for a mascot. Instead, meet Coney!

#TeamConey! Coney 2012!

The next day, Grace, Zayday and Denise Hemphill decided to pay a visit to Chanel No. 2′s very wealthy parents. And you guessed it… The mother was basically Cordelia from Buffy, Real Housewife edition. As is fitting in this world, nobody seemed super concerned that Chanel No. 2 was missing, or that her last tweet literally said “I’m being murdered,” and her parents mostly just assumed she was out doing drugs or had had some kind of romantic falling-out with Chad Radwell. (As it turned out, she’d been secretly hooking up with him, as had most of the other sorority sisters.) Anyway, yeah, buried the lede: Charisma Carpenter played Ariana Grande’s mom! Another hyperbolic compliment I can easily pay to Scream Queens: Best casting department ever maybe?

Grace got a rude surprise when she showed up to her Film Analysis 101 class: It was being taught by her father! And on the first day of class he decided to show Texas Chain Saw Massacre, which he watched with his eyes glazed over in ecstasy. In my opinion it was a weird class with a weird syllabus and a creep for a teacher, but that’s college I guess.

The guy in the Coney suit (the same one who was tazed in the first scene) was definitely living it up with his new gig! In a delightful montage we watched him march across campus high-fiving students, groping female co-eds, and straight-up taking money out of cash registers! He was living the dream, basically, but at least one person did NOT appreciate his behavior:

That’s right, the Red Devil surprised him with a chainsaw and SAWED HIM IN HALF. Goodbye, Coney. You were very vanilla but sometimes that’s the freshest flavor.

I loved when Chanel No. 3 (a.k.a. Princess Leia’s daughter IRL) decided to make “Predatory Lez” Sam her instant, very best friend, but only after delivering the finest line of dialogue outside of Downton Abbey: ”I heard munching box is what killed Michael Douglas.” But then she immediately made a confession: She’s a billionaire, but also, her biological father is Charles Manson. Yes, that Charles Manson. The circumstances for how this came to be were, as described, insane, and begged more questions than they answered, but that was Chanel No. 3′s secret! She was the daughter of someone who inspired cultish adoration among followers. In other words, this was some pretty amazing type-casting right here.

For the record, I would watch Gigi “play tennis” all day. In this case she had been getting a little too flirty with Grace’s dad, so Dean Munsch decided to whisk her away to the tennis courts for some random racquet flailing. It was here that Dean Munsch broke the news to Gigi: They were going to MOVE IN to the sorority house. Why? To keep everyone safe, or whatever. You know, on this show it’s best not to ask why. Do you also ask why Itchy is always tusslin’ with Scratchy? Doesn’t matter!

After Chanel caught Hester going through her closet, which was a deep and personal violation ("It’s like a second vagina to me”), Chanel got a bright idea: If she just made Hester into a hot babe, it would be one less mouth-breather for Chad to hold against her! So, to Chanel No. 5′s utter horror, a new Chanel was born. Hester was now Chanel No. 6!

But just as the sorority was about to have another typical night in (”we’re going to play a game called ‘cocaine or dildo’), two grown-ass women suddenly arrived. Wow, with these two newcomers the residents of this sorority were nearly in the double digits! (Seriously, in what universe are sororities and frats made up of, like, six people?)

Pete showed up in this episode, as Grace had come to regret dumping him for owning a Red Devil costume. At this point they decided they should go ahead and track down the original sorority members who’d been involved in the bathtub baby incident back in ‘95. I loved when they found the transcript of a sorority member who’d abruptly “dropped out” of school around that time. My favorite class that she took was “Art History: Is This Art?” (for which she received a D) or maybe it’s “English: Email, It is Gonna Be Big” (C-). Man, this show.

So, apparently Denise Hemphill did some digging and decided that Zayday was her prime suspect in the murders. Denise’s evidence? Zayday had once tweeted at Shonda Rhimes that Viola Davis’s character on How To Get Away With Murder should team up with an accomplice in order to get away with it. (Uh, Zayday, do you even WATCH the show? That’s all it is!) Also, Zayday owned a CD purchased at the same Best Buy where Wendy’s murdered friend Shondell had worked. Evidence #3? Zayday had been hiding a chainsaw under her bed. But I nearly died laughing when she explained that her grandmother had sent it for protection, and Denise immediately saw the logic in that and let it go. And then in the next scene we saw Zayday actually practice using it in case of emergencies:

Case closed!

Uh, and then THIS happened:

Chad rallied his frat (including blonde twins Rodger and Dodger, whom Chanel No. 5 bragged had “Eiffel Tower’d” her) to take to the streets and avenge their friend Boone’s death! It had been ruled a suicide, but Chad believed he’d been murdered. Next thing we knew, “Backstreet’s Back” was playing and the five of them were dressed in all-white and taking baseball bats to anything red, including fire hydrants and Geo Metros. That’s when not one but TWO Red Devils showed up with chainsaws! Things did not go well:

I admired this one frat brother who reacted to having his arm sawed off by simply grabbing the bat out of his severed hand and continuing to attack the Red Devil. Again, did not go well:

Like, at this point Scream Queens was like “f–k it, this is a cartoon to be laughed at.” Even the revelation that there were definitely TWO killers working together was an afterthought, with all the madness going on. And I was not mad. Because again, suspense and twists are not what this show is about.

Even with all the laugh-out-loud moments so far, probably no scene was more brilliant than this one, in which Gigi and Dean Munsch attempted to fall asleep to Dean Munsch’s white noise machine. The first soundscape was a loud, nightmarish caterwauling of distressed whales, and when Gigi protested (via shouting), Dean Munsch switched to the next setting, Baboon Attack, followed by Catastrophically Depressurized Airplane Cabin, and then settling on Slasher Movie. Gigi, of course, decided to go sleep on the couch, but that just made it easier for a certain someone to attack her in her sleep:

NO, NOT GIGI! But don’t worry, she scrambled away just in time (with some help from Grace’s dad, who’d been stationed outside) and the two of them chased off the Red Devil. But when Dean Munsch suddenly ran downstairs in her nightgown, they immediately accused her of having been the killer. Cliffhanger!

Except no, Scream Queens, there is no way that we care who the killer is at this point, let’s be real. Yes, this series is pretending to have a big whodunnit element, but the main characters only BARELY care who the killer or killers are, and we care even less. This thing is all about set-ups and punchlines, and even the idea that everyone has an elaborate and ludicrous motivev has been one of the best jokes. I mean come on, the daughter of Charles Manson? In Scream Queens, anybody can be the killer and honestly I’m hoping they ALL are. That’s right, the Clue ending. Wouldn’t that be the sickest twist this show could offer? That all along we were watching a show that only pretended to care about murder when it was really just celebrating it? That’s one trick I wouldn’t put it past these people.

“Chainsaw” was a fantastic hour of entertainment. As long as the humor stays this strong, it’s hard to imagine growing tired of these maniacs.

What did YOU think of this week’s Scream Queens?

Scream Queens airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on Fox.