'Scandal' Tweet-cap: Let's Talk About Sex, Gladiators

Warning: This recap for the “Wild Card” episode of Scandal contains spoilers.

It seems like everyone is getting some these days on Scandal, which is totally cool. Unfortunately, not everyone is doing the deed for the “right reasons,” as they would say on The Bachelor — which is totally not cool.

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Olivia and Jake are still “not really friends with benefits,” while David Rosen is cashing in a two-for-one deal, unbeknownst to poor Susan Ross. At least Fitz’s hook-up with that journalist lady seems to be on the up-and-up (if you know what we mean). Then again, this is Scandal. With that title, she’s probably the new Command or something.

Here’s what went down (between the sheets) this week:

All in

Hey, Fitz never claimed to be old-fashioned. He’s not really a two dinner dates and Netflix and chill kind of guy. He and Lillian are already getting hot and heavy in the back of his limo when Abby barrels in to throw some cold water on them.

After Lillian peaces out, Abby gives Fitz a talking-to. He needs to think about this carefully, they need to vet her, Secret Service needs to look over her apartment, yada yada yada. Fitz throws her out, though, when she starts talking about vacuuming up every shred of DNA evidence, from loose hairs to semen.

Elsewhere, Olivia meets her dad for a little chat in the park, because apparently, she’s forgotten every single thing he’s ever done. She shows off the book she wrote with Mellie (“Lady in Waiting,” great title), and he’s super proud of her. Liv! Wake up! This is Rowan Pope, evil mastermind!

Meanwhile, Ethan briefs Cyrus on that Pennsylvania governor he watched at the end of last week’s episode. Here are the answers to your two questions: 1) Ethan is that young aide that Cyrus conscripted last season and we’ve seen maybe twice since, and 2) that governor’s name is Francisco Vargas. He’s young, he served in the military, he is somehow pro-choice and pro-guns, and both liberals and conservatives like him.

Vargas’s only problem is that he is not on the national political radar, at all. But that’s OK — Cyrus will fix that, apparently with the help of ex-B613 killer/faux-Secret Service agent Tom. (!!!!)

In further WTF developments, Quinn and Charlie’s weekend getaway is canceled when Charlie’s friend calls with a last-minute favor to babysit his kid. Um, Charlie has friends? Friends who have kids?! Things get even weirder when Charlie and Quinn take him mini-golfing. Wait, what show is this?

Sleeping with the enemy

At Olivia’s apartment, she and Jake are naked under a blanket when she brings up a surprising bit of info that her father revealed: Jake is seeing someone. And it’s serious. “She’s special, you’d like her,” Jake says, as Olivia inwardly fumes.

Abby tries to talk to Fitz again about the whole Lillian thing, noting that there hasn’t been a single president since Grover Cleveland (and man, that guy could roll!). He basically DGAF and calls Lillian to set up another date.

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Over at David Rosen’s office, Lizzy Bear comes in with great news: Susan’s poll numbers are very strong. This gets her hot and bothered, and she starts taking off her blouse. But David doesn’t seem too into it, because Susan has invited him over. To an empty house. If you know what she means. (She means sex.) At first, Lizzy gets a little huffy about it, then realizes this is a good thing. Now, through David, she can really control Susan’s presidential bid.

Liv has dinner with Papa Pope, again, and when he talks about his retirement, she expresses some skepticism. He assures her he’s out of the game, but she can’t help but flash back to all the terrible things he’s said and the horrifying things he’s done. Yeah! Remember those! Finally, Olivia seems to doubt his reformation. “To a happy retirement,” she fake-toasts.

Show me a hero

OK, so Tom is up to something, with some shady guy named Wayne. They break into some kind of government office and shoot two security guards before we realize what’s happening. That government office is the Pennsylvania capitol building, and Wayne takes Gov. Francisco Vargas as a hostage.

And it’s breaking news on all the channels. National presence problem… solved.

Abby goes to apprise Fitz of the situation when she walks in on him and Lillian making out. First, may we say: Daaaaamn Fitz, nice six-pack. After Lillian leaves for her walk of shame, Abby and Fitz yell at each other. He says she’s totally out of line. She says he’s not thinking clearly. He says she could lose her job. She says he’s not doing his.

Frustrated and at wits’ end, she calls Liv, but immediately regrets doing so, because she can’t really talk about what’s going on. And Olivia doesn’t want to know either. She knows, deep down, what it’s about, but she doesn’t want to hear the words.

Later, after she and Jake have sex again, she asks if he thinks her father has changed. Jake just shrugs. “Yeah, sure.” Uh, this is the dude who wanted very badly to kill Papa Pope not so long ago? Olivia tries to press him — why did Jake move in with her dad? Why did her father reveal the info about Jake dating someone? What are their true motivations here? Jake keeps his mouth closed.

She storms into the OPA office and confronts Huck, who has been chastising her for “sleeping with the enemy.” Olivia thinks she’s playing the game, and winning, but Huck disagrees. Liv then argues that Rowan is her father and will always look out for her. Huck again disagrees, and we do, too. The man is a psychopath!

The hostage situation is still going on, with just Wayne the gunman and Vargas facing off. The FBI sends in sharpshooters, but that doesn’t jive with Cy’s plan. He calls Tom to fix it. Tom inches in, then takes a shot himself!

It ends up that Tom shoots Vargas in the shoulder, and when Wayne turns in confusion, Vargas tackles him. Cyrus gets his hero! And he even engineers a high-profile Oval Office meeting between Vargas and Fitz. “If you haven’t heard of Francisco Vargas before tonight, you will certainly know him,” one newscaster says.

A photo of Lillian leaving the residence with bedhead is circulating, and Abby yells at Fitz some more. But this time, he concedes they may need a plan. And he tells her to call him Fitz. If they’re going to discuss his sex life, they might as well be friends.

So, that kid Charlie and Quinn were watching? Unbeknownst to her, that kid was Wayne the gunman’s son. And Charlie wasn’t really “watching” him, he was holding him as blackmail. While Quinn gushes about what a great dad Charlie will be, Charlie just drops the kid off at a police station.

David and Susan are cuddling in bed when Lizzy B. calls. He pretends like it’s a work call and hangs up on her, though, and she’s left looking a little… jealous!

As for Olivia, well, she might not know what’s really going on with her father, but she can dig into one mystery: She assigns the gladiators the job of investigating Jake’s new girlfriend.

Scandal airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. on ABC.