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Who Won American Idol?

Who Won American Idol?

It's finale night, ladies and gentleman! We kick things off with a particularly unexciting performance from the top 12 finalists (not including Jessica and Phillip). The only noteworthy moment occurred when Joshua attempted to do some sort of split thing, failed miserably, and clumsily toppled over himself. Super embarrassing.

Seacrest lets us know that last night we broke records — 132 million votes — more votes than any season in Idol history.  So, congratulations everyone, for that. You officially have too much time on your hands.

Phillip and Jessica make their grand entrance. Why do they look so sexy? Is it just me or is there a bizarre Idol-finale glow going on?

John Fogerty of Creedence Clearwater Revival takes the stage to perform "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" and "Bad Moon Rising" with Phillip. Their pairing is very natural, in a father-son kind of way.

Then we're forced to watch an annoying montage of the Idol judges goofing off, in an unsubtle attempt to make us think "Oh gee! They're humans just like us!" When really we know they are neither human nor like us.

All of a sudden Joshua is back (didn't he get kicked off?), and singing on stage with Fanstasia, his hero. I am going to try very, very hard to be tactful here while I describe the situation that Fantasia has going on. If you saw it, then you know. If you didn't, I will tell you to envision a large quantity of meat, stuffed into a sausage casing made of sequins, covered in an unnaturally long weave. Apologies in advance for any nightmares you may incur as a result of that.

The variety hour continues with the ladies of the top 12. Yet again, an abomination of sequins. Chaka Khan does her thing and makes this all a smidgen more bearable. Chaka is also a member of the ill-fitted sausage-casing club tonight, but you know what? She's earned the right to look a mess.

Phillip and Jessica give some people new cars and then they themselves get new cars. They both look profoundly disinterested, as if to say, "We are so over you, Ford. You can keep your dumb car."

A few other happenings of note: Rihanna takes a break from her busy schedule of tweeting half-naked pictures of herself and sings; we go on a guided tour of Steven's fake house; Jessica sings "I Will Always Love You" and is not joined by Whitney Houston's hologram on stage; Neil Diamond swings by; the contestants make fun of Randy by actually "singing the phone book;" J. Lo's abs lip-sync.

Oh, and then two Idol alums get engaged in front of everyone (Ace Young and Diana DeGarmo, for what it's worth).

Jessica Sanchez and Jennifer Holiday do an earth-shattering duet. Aerosmith screams. Phillip wears a tuxedo jacket.

And finally... the results.

The winner is: PHILLIP PHILLIPS!!!!!!

What do you guys think? Are you happy Phillip won?