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True Blood Recap: Holy Hell They Killed [Spoiler]!

Somebody we didn’t think was gonna live, lived. Somebody we didn’t think was gonna die, died. And those were just a couple of the surprises that last night’s True Blood served up. Here’s how it all went down:

VIDEO | True Blood Boss Reveals Final Scene of Season 5!

FALL OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE | Seconds after being apprehended by Bill and Eric, Russell was taken into custody by the Authority, who massacred all of the witnesses to his capture with the exception of Sookie and Alcide (in other words, everyone but the series regulars). Back at Authority HQ, Bill and Eric were freed from their iStakes and offered glasses of whatever celebratory blood Barb from Cougar Town hadn’t already swilled. But Russell’s execution took a turn for the (seriously, really, very, like whoa!) unexpected when Roman pushed the “splatter” button on the dethroned king’s iStake, and it didn’t work. In fact, it so didn’t work that Russell was able to get the jump on his would-be assassin and stake Roman!

LEADER OF THE PACK | Livid upon realizing that Marcus’ replacement, J.D., was both doing V and playing Russell’s lapdog, Alcide stepped up and, ignoring the (literal) growling with which his announcement was greeted, took over the packmaster post. Meanwhile, wolf pup Emma made her way safely to grandma Martha’s doorstep, Sam lived, and – really thought she was a goner, but – Luna pulled through, too. As soon as he recovered – like, a scene later – Sam teamed up with Andy to investigate all the supernatural hate crimes and saved the sheriff’s life during an ammo-store shoot-out. Elsewhere, the Obama-masked murderers killed a fanger who was making a midnight snack of (an eager) Emo Hoyt, who capped off his terrible night – Jessica rebuffed him yet again! – by being kidnapped by the nutjobs.

VIDEO | Joe Manganiello Breaks Down Alcide and Sookie’s Infamous ‘Sex Scene’

JASON STACKHOUSE, VAMPIRE HUNTER | Following a dream in which he promised his father that he’d find his killer, Jason finally filled in Sookie on the fact that their folks were offed by a blood-sucker. Later, at the netherworld Studio 54, impish Claude – kind of a sexy, fairy Alan Cumming – revealed that the vampire in question had been drawn to the Stackhouses by – wouldn’t ya know it! – Sookie’s irresistibly magical blood.

THIS AND ALSO THAT | When not busy running from Lost’s smoke monster, Terry made a pit stop in Bon Temps just long enough to tell Arlene, “Hi, honey, I’m cursed,” and leave her and the kids behind to keep them from being turned into crispy fries. And that message that Lafayette’s mother had for him – you know, the one from Jesus’ severed head? It was that Jesus (or at least the neck down?) was with his evil grandfather, Don Bartolo.

So, your thoughts? Were you surprised that Roman was killed off? Or maybe the better question would be, how surprised were you? Sound off below!


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