Outlander "The Watch" Review: I Got Your Back

Outlander S01E13: "The Watch"

The latest episode of Outlander reminded me of great a line from Medea (Euripides' Medea, not Tyler Perry's) and I quote, "I would rather stand three times in the line of battle than once bear a child." In terms of "The Watch," that comparison was changed to: Would you rather be blackmailed, conscripted by a gang of grizzled highwaymen, and ambushed by the British or give birth to a breech baby in the 1800s? Because such were the two major storylines this episode. Jamie was being coerced by a bunch of jerks and Jenny and Claire wrestled a baby out of the womb. Sounds like bad times for everyone!

We picked up right where we left off, with Claire waking up to find some intruder holding Jamie at pistol-point. Luckily (?) he was just the leader of the Watch, a local gang that swept through Lollybroch every couple of months for protection money, free food, and heaping helpings of Ian's fine tobacco. Ian and Jenny seemed more or less cool with it, but Jamie was furious.

However, because he's also a legitimate outlaw with a price on his head, Jamie had to hide his identity, and claimed to be a cousin of Jenny's while swallowing back his rage. At Jenny and Claire's insistence, Jamie tried to play nice, even going so far as to shoe the horse of the Watch's leader, MacQuarrie, the next day. Then two jerks rudely lit a cart of hay on fire and Jamie (to quote a woman I once sat next to on the bus) "put down Christian and picked up crazy." In a ginger whirlwind of balletic violence, Jamie handed five grizzled highwaymen their own asses, thrashing them soundly in a scene so satisfying it was like the fight equivalent of a big plate of macaroni and cheese.

The Watch's leader, who chanced upon the altercation, was so impressed he wasn't even mad. He basically tipped his hat to the Age of Ultron-level skills Jamie had just displayed and let him know if he wanted to join the crew of dudes he'd just whupped, he was more than welcome. Jamie was like, "I'm retired," and then walked straight into Horrocks, the evil guy who knew there was a price on his head. Ugh to the highest.

So Horrocks was like, "Give me all of the money you have and I'll leave for the States." And obviously this was a bad idea, because, guys, blackmail never ends. Never trust a blackmailer EVER. But Ian was like, "Jamie, I can think of no better thing to spend your inheritance on." So Jamie consulted Claire about using their family's financial future to line the pockets of an evil doofus, and Claire was like, "Well I might not even be able to haaave children, so..."

Awww, man! Claire has been canoodling with kids and babies almost since the series began. In fact, she was taking a break from helping Jenny to get through a difficult labor when she dropped this particularly heavy bombshell. Obviously, there are so many weird issues and pressures around being a woman and being a mother even in these times, we can scarcely imagine the kind of value placed on fertility in clan-based society in the 1700s, and Jamie and Claire are still newlyweds. Fertility fears are a big damn talk, and one Claire had not really counted on having (I honestly doubt if she and Frank even discussed it openly). And Jamie's response was, as ever, ideal and perfect. He told her she was all he cared about and if having kids meant she'd never go through a horrible, potentially fatal labor then maybe it was all for the best. It was classic Jamie: 100 percent empathy and unconditional love and puttin' his lady's feelings first.

Of course, as soon as that was over, he was off to meet Horrocks with his family fortune in hand, and blackmailers being blackmailers, Horrocks was like, "Great, passage to the New World! But I'm also going to need a trade when I get there. And a house. And maybe a carriage. And some new duds. How about you, as laird, squeeze all the money out of your tenants and lands and send it to me or I'll turn your whole family over to the British?"

But Jamie didn't have to worry about any of that because suddenly a sword poked through Horrocks' abdomen and Ian became my new favorite character. Ian had snuck up behind Horrocks and murdered him to keep Jamie, Jenny, and the clan safe. Ian was clearly rattled by having committed cold-blooded murder, but may I say, as an audience member, this was one A+++ job? Well done, Ian.

Back in the birthing room, Claire asked Jenny what it was like being pregnant, and Jenny launched into a Terrence Malick-level image poem that referenced wind in the belly, a fish pulling a line, and a theory that men have sex because they want back inside the womb. It is a real shame Jenny wasn't born in a time where stream of consciousness poetry was a lucrative, venerated profession... a time which is still yet to exist, I might add. Then it was back to screaming and crying. Because they could not turn the baby in the womb and the midwife was off visiting a sick relative, Claire was going with Plan C: She would reach her hands inside Jenny when the moment came and guide the baby out. This is a hell of a way to get better acquainted with your in-laws. I maybe don't recommend this at home?

Meanwhile, MacQuarrie was like, "So... y'all killed Horrocks, right? Not mad, just curious." And Jamie (because he's still perfect) totally took the fall for it, claiming he ran Horrocks through when he blackmailed him. MacQuarrie was legitimately delighted, but then was like, "FYI, this means you have to take his place on a raid." Ian, who refuses to be limited by having only one leg, immediately volunteered to come along as well, making him the absolute hero of this episode. Jamie and Ian went upstairs to where Jenny was, uh, 48 hours into labor, and told the ladies they were off. "Come back or I'll follow you and drag you back by your thick red curls," Claire murmured to Jamie. "And I'm not talking about the ones on your head," her eyes silently added.

As the Watch rode out to raid the rent party, MacQuarrie continued to give recruitment speeches to Jamie. He opined on how money taken was sweeter than money earned, and that the two of them together would be unstoppable. They'd even have songs sung about them! It's no coincidence that literally every person Jamie runs across wants to spend their life with Jamie, platonically or otherwise, and clearly sometimes Jamie just wishes they would let him mind his own beeze. Outlander's unofficial tagline is basically, "Being This Awesome Is Kind of A Bummer." What was reassuring, though, was MacQuarrie's earnestness when he promised, regardless of Jamie's choices, he'd never turn him over to the British. MacQuarrie may be a grizzled highwayman with no moral compass, but he's not like, evil.

As they reached the point of ambush, the Watch began discussing how Horrocks had planned this whole raid, and a million red flags went up because obviously Horrocks is one dirty B. Just as Jamie realized they'd been corralled like lambs into a low stone ravine with no exit or cover, a host of British redcoats descended with guns blazing! Horrocks had set them up to be ambushed by the British! And really, shame on MacQuarrie for trusting Horrocks.

Meanwhile, major Foley squish noises were deployed from the television speakers as Claire stuck both hands into Jenny's body and grabbed her unborn baby. I don't even want to think how you fit two hands and a baby in that region. Like, Jenny and Claire, let us never speak of this moment again.

With the baby born, there was nothing for Claire to do but watch the road for three days and hope for Jamie to return. You can imagine her panic when Ian turned up on the arm of a Watchmen and told Jenny and Claire that the British had Jamie again. Oh man, we're headed into the heart of the storm, guys.

The tension of this episode was unrelenting. There were about 30 solid seconds of Claire and Jamie happily in each other's arms, but otherwise, this was an hour of white-knuckling it, and with Jamie now in the enemy's hands, our moments of dramatic relief are only going to get fewer and farther between. Can you handle it?! Thank goodness every frame of the series is as epic and resonant as a Bill Viola film or else I honestly don't know if I could.

QUESTIONS:

... Would you rather have dealt with Jamie's or Claire's problems during this episode? A breech birth or blackmailed/raid gone wrong?

... When Jenny asked for a stiff drink before delivery: This just seems like a good idea. Am I crazy? Could a couple of stiff shots really hurt a baby who is already on his way out the door? Is this a terrible idea or should delivery rooms hand out margaritas?

... What was the best part of the episode? And the worst part?

... Can anyone explain how Sawny is a Gaelic play on the name Alexander?