Game of Thrones "The Gift" Review: Getting Theirs
Game of Thrones S05E07: "The Gift"
I wouldn't say Game of Thronesis completely out of the weeds, but "The Gift" was definitely a step up from the previous two episodes. In fact, you'll never believe this, but something good actually happened to a "good" character, and something bad actually happened to a "bad" character! It's almost as if this show has a sense of morality underneath all the senseless killing, torturing, and raping. Almost!
There are still some big problems with Season 5, like scenes that don't appear to have too much purpose, boobs unnecessarily exposed (yes, this is actually a "problem"), and Sansa getting repeatedly Sansa'd. The biggest problem for me was how Season 5 started out being about the big picture but has gradually faded into being several small stories that seem like side quests. The actual game of thrones is being put on hold so we can learn about Samwell's sex life.
Anyway, let's figure out who the most beautiful woman in the world is and talk about what happened in "The Gift."
"Oh... oh... oh my!" – The sound of Samwell's virginity escaping his body
The plot at the Wall has been one of the most consistently strong stories in Season 5 because it felt bigger and more important to the big picture than others. The Night's Watch is essentially the final defense against the army of White Walkers, who are easily the biggest threat to Westeros. That is, if they ever get to Westeros. What are they doing, waiting at a bus stop? Did they forget their toothbrushes and have to turn back? Were they relying on the Apple Maps app for directions? The only reasonable excuse they have for being so damn slow is that they have to wait for winter—also interminably imminent despite years of warnings that it's soooooooo close—to blanket the ground with its chilly touch so the army of snowmen doesn't melt. I guess.
But through all this Wall stuff (in the HBO series, not the books), anything not involving Jon Snow has been merely padding. And no one is, or has, more padding than Samwell Tarly. I might get hated off the Internet for this, but Sam isn't one of my favorite characters, despite his underdog status and relatable body type. So devoting as much time as "The Gift" did to Sam got things off to a slow start. Like, White Walker or Westeros winter slow. He gave Jon some dragonglass and he spoke at Maester Aemon's funeral, but after that it was Revenge of the Nerds: Westeros Edition.
I'll reluctantly admit that Sam and Gilly's relationship has been sweet in that dorky side-character gets a girl way, even though it was awfully one-sided and frequently pathetic. She bossed him around and didn't appreciate everything he'd done for her, like saved her life and her kid's life and broke his vows and risked his own life and protected her from harm and rape and put a roof over her head. But Sam's rigid pussy-whipped ways finally paid off when he defended her honor against two creepy and blue-balled Night's Watch lads trying to enter the only vagina within miles. With a little help from Ghost and some ridiculously exaggerated stamina from Sam—no way would he have gotten up off the floor after getting his face pounded in like that—he played the White Knight and got his reward: a shtooping from Gilly! His reward was our punishment, as we were witness to the destruction of Sam's virginity at the loins of Gilly. My eyes and ears—thankfully Smell-o-vision is still a dream—will never be the same.
But maybe I'm being a prude, because I think what Sam would have wanted more than "sheathing his sword" would be for her to acknowledge even the faintest love for him. Their entire relationship was a Disney fantasy fairy-tale told from Sam's perspective anyway, so a warm embrace and a whisper of "I love you" wouldn't be too far off track even though it's the sappy stuff I'm allergic to. Instead, Game of Thrones made their happy ending a romp in the sack instead of something more emotional. I mean, good for Sam, I guess. But when Jon and Ygritte finally took the erotic leap into sexual satisfaction in that ice cave, it was a release for character and viewer alike because the sexual tension between Jon and Ygritte was threatening to explode our television screens. With Sam and Gilly it was like, "Ummm... wait, what are you two doing? Why are you climbing on top of him, Gilly? Are you—no, noo, noooo, NOOOOOOOO!" *shivers* And what about your vows, Sam? Oh I suppose I'm being a bit hard on the guy, I just always imagined him as a cuddler.
But their sexual union does solidify them as a unit moving forward, which will be key when everyone else at the Wall comes after them. Like Alliser said, "You're losing all your friends, Tarly." Jon went up north and Aemon went to heaven. All he had left was his wildling girlfriend. Oh, and a 500-pound man-eating wolf monster. He'll be fine. Plus, he's a man now.
Meanwhile, Stannis waited a wee-bit too long to get started on his march south, wouldn't you know it. A winter storm depleted his horse forces and the cold was too much for some sellswords, weakening Stannis' chances at toppling Roose Bolton in Winterfell. But Melisandre had a plan to help him out: suck out some of Shireen's blood so Melisandre could squirt out another king's-blood-powered shadow baby assassin out of her hoo-ha! SOLID PLAN! Except Melisandre apparently didn't see that episode where Stannis gave his daughter the best "I'm your father and I love you" pep-talk speech ever. However, there was just enough hesitation in Stannis' voice and matter-of-fact talk from Melisandre to suggest that it wasn't completely out of the question. I'm Stannis 4 Life, so I wouldn't judge the guy if he pricked his daughter's finger for another chance at getting rid of the competition the easy way. Melisandre got what she needed from Gendry without killing him, right? I have to believe.
Next: Poor, poor, poor Sansa Stark. Plus: BOOBS.
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"It can always be worse." – Theon Greyjoy
Those of us waiting for Sansa's great act of vengeance for last episode's heinous sexual assault at the hands of Ramsay Bolton were still waiting at the end of "The Gift." In fact, things got even worse for Sansa, so maybe all those people who publicly decided to boycott Game of Thrones in light of the controversial scene were right. (JK, no they weren't). Sansa couldn't even leave her room when she wanted to, and her nights consisted of crumpling underneath a humping Ramsay.
It seemed like it was just a few episodes ago that Game of Thrones laboriously built Sansa Stark into a strong take-charge female character who understood her destiny and the risks involved and finally overcome the repeated torture she was put through, but in "The Gift" she was literally a damsel in distress locked in a castle tower by an evil prince and pleaded for anyone to help her.
Now Sansa's lady friend has been turned into a prop for an anatomy class because Theon ratted on their plot to light a candle as a distress signal. I don't know if Sansa has a theme song in this show, but if she doesn't, might I suggest the sad synthesizer horn sound from The Price is Right? While I'm not militantly opposed to the uproar over Sansa's storyline like others are, I can't understand what her role is in this show other than to be an overused voodoo doll at the sadistic hands of showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss. And knowing that this particular storyline in the book didn't involve Sansa but she was handpicked for it in the show makes their motives even more questionable.
How long will Brienne sit staring at Winterfell waiting to make her move? How long until Theon snaps out of his trance? How long until Sansa can flip the number on her "[X amount] of days without a traumatizing incident" notice board? If Sansa still had Lady none of this would have happened!
"Who is the most beautiful woman in the world?" – The Sand Snake who threw her boobs out
Ahhhh, Dorne. So much promise when Season 5 started to be the Westerosi Ibiza, a beach town of endless wine, tasty tapas, and pool parties. But now it's a drag loaded with forbidden teen romance and pouty daughters. We have to buy Myrcella and Trystane's love as legit after seeing them together for about one-and-a-half scenes, but it's hard to do so given the fact we all know that hormonally charged teens are idiots who would fall in love with a picture in a magazine if given 43 seconds alone with it. Are we really going to have to sit through Jaime giving Myrcella the spiel about all the loves she'll have after this guy and that men aren't even ready to settle down until they're 35? Probs.
But the real head-scratcher came in a Dornish jail, where Bronn was imprisoned in a cell conveniently across from the Sand Snakes. Tyene, who I guess we're supposed to call "the pretty one," pseudo-seduced Bronn from across the hallway by whipping out her ta-tas and asking him who the most beautiful woman in the world was. Then it was revealed that she had poisoned her Ginsus and Bronn was about to fall ill. Like, exactly when she thought he would. I couldn't have been the only one to think that The Long Farewell Poison was triggered by Bronn's erection and that exposing her bare bosom to make Bronn go BOING was Pretty Snake's plan all along? And then she threw the antidote to Bronn when he finally admitted she was the prettiest. Okay, cool story, Game of Thrones.
I'm trying to figure out where this scene can pay off and what the point was. Was it to give the Sand Snakes the upper hand again by showing how cunning they were? Was it to fulfill the episode's mandated boob quota? Was it to troll feminist bloggers by showing Tyene couldn't have power over a poisoned man unless her tits were out? Was it an excuse for the director to linger the camera on Rosabell Laurenti Sellers' mammaries 12 times? (I counted after a few rewatches and quadruple checked it just to be sure. The sacrifices I make for this job!) This did a better job of characterizing the Sand Snakes than the previous episodes did, but if this is what the characterization is going to be, I'd be happier with them being boring revenge monsters who wave around pointy objects.
"I brought you a gift." – Ser Jorah Mormont
Danaario shippers, put down your cats and knitting needles and rejoice! Those two lovebirds' love-making was not interrupted by Dany's engagement to Hizdahr, and they were able to share the sheets while prodding each other about jealousy and suggesting a homicidal ambush. Daario laid it out for Dany: gather up all the master leaders and kill them at the same time so Dany might be rid of her problems all at once. Easier said than done, Daario. Dany's finally coming around to the idea that as queen, she can't simply tell everyone to follow her lead. But if she does go with Daario's advice, then we're right back to the cycle of Dany pissing everyone off because she does what she wants. Do we really want to go down that path again?
Game of Thrones is doing one hell of a job funneling Tyrion into Meereen to meet Dany by any means necessary. First he was being escorted there by Varys, then he got kidnapped by Ser Jorah, then he got kidnapped again by slavers, and in "The Gift," he was sold to a slave master because he managed to convince the dude who bought Jorah, to buy him too because they're a team. This didn't make much sense because slaves have zero say in negotiations, but neither did Tyrion's plea to Mr. Eko to save his life because he had a dwarf penis. And wasn't the plan to sell him to a cock merchant for major cash instead of the loose change he was sold for to the fighting pit guy? It's best not to think about any of these things that have moved Tyrion from Westeros to Meereen, because the ends justified the means, even if the means were time-killing tactics to give a fan-favorite character something to do instead of disappear for a few episodes while traveling.
What was the end that was justified? Tyrion and Dany, Game of Thrones' undisputed fan-favorite characters for the majority of the audience, finally met in person! This was a big deal guys, and it turned "The Gift" into a mega-important episode. What wacky adventures will these two get into? How will Tyrion steer Dany toward taking the Iron Throne? Will Tyrion solve Dany's problems ruling Meereen? Do we even care or are we just happy to see Tyrion off the road and onto something important? Hurry up, next episode!
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"What will we find when we strip away your finery?" – High Sparrow to the brother-f*cking Cersei
We all knew Cersei was going to burn the house down when she handed a bunch of religious freaks way too much power, and that's exactly what happened. It just happened quicker than we thought. And naturally, the man behind it all was my boy Littlefinger. He should be renamed Littleinstigator the way he's playing everyone against each other. And in "The Gift" he handed Olenna Tyrell a trump card in Lancel Lannister, Cersei's former goldilocked plaything, who just so happened to be her nephew.
Olenna took that knowledge and flipped the High Sparrow on Cersei, who was thrown in prison to await trial for dipping into the Lannister ink. HA HA! We all knew this would happen, all of us except for Cersei, apparently. It's interesting that she got caught for having sex with her nephew even though everyone in King's Landing knows she humped her brother. I guess this means Jamie is safe for now?
You're probably happy that Cersei was locked up in a dungeon, and I don't blame you. But I'm kinda sad about it, too, because Cersei is the kind of character who is more fun when she's in power. Could it be gone from her forever? And how many characters does this make that are in captivity of some kind? You could argue Jon is technically a captive of the wildlings, Sansa is a captive, Loras, Margaery, and Cersei are all imprisoned under the Red Keep, Jorah and Tyrion are still technically prisoners, and Jaime, Bronn, and the Sand Snakes are all behind bars. It would be a good time to be a bail bondsman in Westeros.
WEEKLY POWER RANKINGS
Each week, I'll rank the episodes of Season 5 from best to worst. But remember, these are just my opinions! Feel free to post your own rankings in the comments!
This week: "The Gift" still exhibited some of Season 5's problems—mediocre side stories, apparent pointless torture for certain characters, and convoluted methods for moving others across the board—but who can complain when it brought Dany and Tyrion together?
1. "Sons of the Harpy" (Episode 4)
2. "The Wars to Come" (Episode 1)
4. "The Gift" (Episode 7)
5. "The House of Black and White" (Episode 2)
6. "Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken" (Episode 6)
NOTES FROM THE RAVENS
– At least "The Gift" did the series' best job at differentiating the Sand Snakes, a.k.a. Westeros' Spice Girls, from each other with some quick dialogue. There's Pretty Snake, Angry Snake, and Other Snake.
– It's cool that Dany hates fatal violence but is totally cool with regular non-lethal violence.
– Gilly asked Sam if she was hurting him. Earlier this season, Tommen asked Margaery if he was hurting her. For all the rants about sexual violence in Game of Thrones, this show has its share of courteous lovers. Where are the think pieces on that?
– "All rulers are either butchers or meat," said Daario. Really? I'm beginning to think Daario doesn't know what he's talking about. Just stand there naked, dude.
– I have a hard time believing Tommen is so powerless against the Sparrows. YOU ARE KING, DUDE! Act like it! "The queen is in prison and there's nothing I can do about it!" Wrong, dummy!
– Jaime: "And more hands." Nyuk nyuk!
– Littlefinger: "It was an establishment like no other. The sheer range of appetites catered to, desires that didn't even exist before we invented them." And now you know the origin of the Rusty Trombone.
Be considerate of others: Please do not post spoilers from the books in the comments!
